My choice

I posted a week ago that I had discovered that I was pregnant again with baby number 5, and that i’m currently married and in a doctorate program. I felt and still feel that I am overwhelmed and that having a proceedure would be best for all involved. That being said I have decided that I CAN NOT go through with having an abortion again. I called a dr. yesterday to set up an appointment to go ahead and do it and was informed that medical abortions are no longer done (heard this from 3 diff. clinics) in the clinic b/c of the complications and the horrible outcomes. I told the woman on the other end of the phone how far i thought I was and she told me that I’d have to wait a couple of weeks b/c i was so early so that they could be sure to get all the "tissue" and not miss any. "Tissue" was this woman kidding me? I already know that this little baby has a heart beat. This is not simply "tissue", And to wait longer so that it can grow more and develop so that they can ensure they are sucking it all out is crazy!!

I dont know how i’m going to do this. Im sure that my husband is not going to be pleased at all. ( He just got a vesectomy 2 weeks ago b/f we found out i was preggers) and im sure my mother and his family will totally disown us. OMG… what am i commiting to? Drama, Stress, Money worries? these all come to mind. But I dont care!! This little baby will have life!!

I found a letter that i wrote after i had an abortion in 02 and it reaffirmed my decision and dedication to NEVER go through that again. In addition, I had to remind myself of all of the ramifications of having an abortion ~ the fact that life is no longer there, the hollowness, emptyness, emotional turmoil, not being able to look at my kids or the kids of others for a while. These were all things i experianced b/f. I had a proceedure b/f with the thought that it would assist me in obtaining my educational goals (i was pursuing an advanced degree at the time). Now that i am pursuing my doctorate I once again have those thoughts that a new baby will delay my progress. Who cares. sometimes we have to put things into perspective and think of what is right. I am the mother to this little undeveloped "mass of tissue" which is actually a small human being. If God has blessed me with the abilty to concieve this child, then obviously he knows what best and that i’ll be able to handle it. I just have to trust in my faith and believe that things will work out to the good!!

I just hope that i’ll be able to keep my kids in private school and not disrupt their lives too much. The anger and stress from both my parents and my hubbys… well we will deal with that. After all, I am 29 and i think thats pretty much grown. 🙂 I’ll keep you updated. I have an appointment to cancel.

P.S. If you are considering abortion then please inform yourself wisely. From a person who both has children and has gone through a proceedure I can tell you that unless you are totally unfeeling and heartless it will effect you for the rest of your life. also check out the website http://www.abortiontv.com.

Please wish me luck… and PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY!!