My abortion story, needing support

I am 18 years old almost 19. I had an abortion March 13 of this year. I have been pregnant four times. One ended in miscarriage another I went into preterm labor and lost my baby because he was too early. My third pregnancy I went into preterm labor at 26 weeks and now have a healthy little boy who is almost a year old and my fourth ended in an abortion. At the time I found out I was pregnant, I was going through a lot with my fiance. I was considering breaking up. It was really hard. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was so upset about it because I did not want to have to make the choice I did. I did not want to be pregnant and having another baby with someone I was breaking up with. So I scheduled an appointment and went through with it. I did a medication abortion. The night before I remember feeling really uneasy and unsure about my decision. I felt it was wrong, but the next day I went anyways. I had been at that clinic for about 3 hours and then I finally went back to take the pill. At that point I was so tired of waiting that I just wanted to leave and I took the pill without really thinking, I think I was blocking out what my heart knew was wrong because I was being selfish. After leaving the clinic I was fine for about 3 hours. Then it hit me out of nowhere, I started to have a panic attack about what I had done and how I could not take it back or change it. I called the hospital to see if there was a way to reverse that pill. They told me they didn’t think there was. I called the abortion clinic and asked and they said I needed to go through with it because there could be major deformities in the child if the pregnancy did stay. I debated on what to do, if I should take the next set of pills (these pills basically cause you to cramp so you can get everything out). I waited a day and a half and I finally decided to take them so I didn’t have to prolong it anymore. I was fine then, almost relieved in a way as much as I hate to say that. But a few weeks later my anxiety came back ( I have a small history with anxiety problems) and I would get really depressed about the abortion. I get so upset because I can’t take it back, and I have sometimes panicked because I thought god couldn’t forgive me for it. I know now that it was a big mistake. I had no idea I would feel this way. I knew I would probably feel a little bad but I didn’t expect this. I know I would never have an abortion again no matter what the circumstances. I also know now that God does forgive me. I like to think that my next baby will be the same one given back to me. That I just made a mistake and since I was meant to have the baby I aborted, I will have it later on. That thought brings me a lot of comfort. It helps me to move on from that and realize that I just made a mistake.