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Anonymous
hi my name is shelley and im new to this site. here is my story. i want to tell it because i want someone out there to read it and learn from it and i hope this is helpful to you all. thank you
On november 5th 2005 i had an abortion. i was 7 week pregnant. it was by far the worst feeling and thing i have ever done in my life.
i am 21 years old and in college. the first person i told was my mom and right off the bat she said have an abortion. then my sister said the same thing.
my boyfriend is 26 and has a great job. he wanted to keep it and so did i.
so i told my family i wanted to keep it then all hell broke loose.
my mom and sister were yelling saying how could i do this. my life is over. your never gonna be anything. your not married. your not ready. what about graduateing? all the negative things you ever thought to hear i heard.so i was basically forced into something i didnt want to do. my sister and boyfriend were at the clinic and he was sad and so was i.
before i got it done i had to speak with a lady and she said i can always walk out and keep it if i want. i was crying and i said i cant because my family doesnt want me to have it.
i watched some movies in the waiting room and then i went on back when they called my name. they stuck me 4 times in my arm because i kept fainting and falling out. the doctor introduced his self and said are you sleep yet? i said no. then the nurse put me to sleep.when i got upit was blood all over me around my but and legs. all i could do was cry. the nurse said are you ready to get up but i just wanted to die.
i cant think about what i did till this day with out being sad. i cry at night. and i feel like shit. but everybody say its for the "BETTER" what ever that means. abortion is not an easy way out.instead of family telling you what you cant do they should tell you what you can. i feel like i was so sellfish to my baby and my family was sellfish to me. now they act all nice and caring but i cant even speak to them like i used to with out hate in my heart. i know it sounds bad but its the truth.
YES i am young but i know that i would have been a great mother. i graduate from college in a year. and whats so messed up about it is that THEY put all their hopes and dreams into me. im the one thats gonna be perfect with the husband and kids and career and dog and great life.
life doesnt happen in the order you want and thye cant see it. instead of putting all that into me they should be trying to make their lives better for themselves. i know they care but damn it sucks how i got done in the end.*** to everyone out there i want you to know that you are not alone in this. you CAN have a baby. you CAN make it. your life is not OVER until you give up and loose faith and make it over. be STRONG for your child. when the baby gets here there is no time to think about what your gonna do you just need to DO IT!!! and most of all don’t listen to what everyone has to say about you if its negative. proove them wrong. make something of yourself. do something in your life and in the end they will feel the same regret that i do because they know they were wrong.***
Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/11/15 01:25
Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/11/15 01:26
Hi Shelley,
Firstly, I would just like to thank you for sharing your story. You made me see that I am not alone in my pain and you have motivated me to share me story as well. I have been wanting to share my experiences for a while now but it wasn’t until I read your story and saw your strength and courage that I been able to put on paper how I feel.
I am a bit younger than you. I am 18 and had just started a law degree when I fell pregnant. I had my abortion on 10th November 2005. A day I will never forget. Like you, I felt I had no option. Before my abortion, from the day I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to keep my baby more than anything. When I was 17 (just a few months ago) I was forced to have a termination as I had had my MMR jab just a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant and was told my baby would be severly handicapped if it survived at all. I was strongly advised by my doctors to terminate or else there could be a risk to me and if my baby survived it would have such a low quality of life. I couldn’t face seeing my child live a lifetime of pain and I didn’t want to risk future fertility so it was decided I would terminate. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do I completely identify with all that you say.
After that I had nightmares for months and regretted my decision so much as I saw families cope so well with disabilities, I hated myself for not giving my baby a chance. My fiance too was heartbroken, I didn’t and have never until now shared this with anyone else so it was our pain we had to deal with together.
This time, when I found out I was pregnant, despite only having just started uni I knew I could not go throught that again, give up another child. Me and my fiance love each other so much and I know we could give a child so much love and it would never want for anything. This too, however was to go very wrong. When I was nine weeks pregnant I started having severe stomach pains. At first I just thought it was indigestion but after three days it was getting increasingly worse and a dark brown discharge turned to blood. My fiance rushed me to A & E where they put me on a drip and examined me. They said my cervix was still closed and so I hadn’t miscarried and it didn’t look like there was a threa. i was so relieved however there was still the problem that I was bleeding and had excrutiating pain. After doing a scan, they discovered no problem with my baby and I was sent home. The bleeding didn’t stop however neither did the pain and after another week I was advised to terminate….again! I couldn’t believe it would happen again I was devastated. This time, however, my fiance thought my health was more important and considered it better that I get checked out before we started a family so he has made peace with the decision and although it wasn’t easy for him either he has no regrets. I however have never felt so guilty and regret it more than I ever thought possible. I cry all the time and feel like I just want to scream. I know that if we do have a family in the future I will feel like there is a gap. I will always wonder what my babies would be like and what they will have become. Since my abortion, the pain is still here as is the bleeding but they are unsure whether this is just due to the procedure or not. I am terrified that they tell me that my baby was perfectly healthy and it is just a problem with me. I am equally terrified that I have fertility problems in future. I want a family more than anything, especially with my fiance whom I love dearly.
I want to thank you shelby for helping me realise I am not alone in my grief. I also want to urge all you girls in similar situations to share your stories. To those of you who find yourself in this situation please be strong and make the right choice. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel afterwards. please shelby, or anyone else, get in touch if you want to talk some more. Together we can work through this and move on learn from our mistakes and regrets and recover. Remember none of you are alone. Take care speak soon xxx
Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/11/17 02:33
I’ve shared my story on here once before, months ago. I just thought I’d post it again to drive the message home that "You are not alone!".
I was 18 and finishing my first year of college when I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend told me to have an abortion. Having an abortion had never crossed my mind and the fact that he said that shocked me. He had already finished college and was making enough money to support a child if he had to. But he made me feel so guilty for wanting to keep my baby. He acted like it would ruin our lives and that if I had a baby I wouldn’t be the same person. He found an abortion clinic in the phone book and set up an appointment. He knew I was against it but disregarded my feelings completely. I felt like I had no choice but to go through with it. At the clinic they gave me some drugs to supposedly help with the pain. It was the most horrible pain I have ever felt in my life. I was screaming and crying the whole time and after I was shaking uncontrollaby. The people at the clinic told me I would be relieved afterwards but it is a lie. I am haunted by what I did. I have to live with this painful secret for the rest of my life. Not even my mom or best friend know what I have done. I’m afraid if they knew that they would hate me. I will regret it for the rest of my life. I hate that my boyfriend did that to me. I hate that I was stupid enough to listen to him and the clinic. I just want anyone reading this that is thinking of abortion to PLEASE reconsider. Please don’t do it if you have doubts. Don’t be like me.
Im 32 -when I was 14 I had an abortion. I was pregnant with identical twins. I didn’t know until I was 4 mos along. I tried to hide it everyday from my parents. The morning sickness was terrible. I would throw up on the bus on the way to school in my paper lunch bag. I would sleep in class due to exhaustion, I was living a secret hell, having no one to confide in. 4 mos. later I was diagnosed with depression and submitted into a a psych. ward *due to pregnancy*. I was so embarassed. My mom was livid! She was losing her dream of what she wanted me to be in life. Under her insistance on the abortion, I went through with it. I really didn’t want to but it seemed to be the ‘right thing to do’ at the time. I didn’t sleep through it. I was wide awake. When the first baby was being aborted the other baby was thrashing around frantically. I asked why the baby was moving so much and the nurse said, ‘they just do that". Limb by little limb the two were vaccumed out by a hose about 1/2 inch wide into a small cylindar shaped container. First the left then the right. I saw pieces of my babies in this pool of blood. This was horrible and I felt unbelievably depressed after it was over. Little did I know. For years I was a mental mess. I cried all the time. Feeling lonely and like a horrific, heartless parent. There was so much free help available then but I didn’t know it at the time. I was young and looked up to those who were older, making the decisions. That was a terrible decision made 18 years ago and I still cry from the memories. I now have 4 children. My first 2 girls were identical twins(13)! I love them so much, they make my life full of joy and happiness. They are NOT in the way and I would give anything for them. I went to college when I was 18 and finished a few years later. It was more of a work load, but I did it. Unbelievably, my mom supported me AFTER the girls were born and saw their beautiful faces. How could she not adore them? I sometimes wonder what these two other people would be like today at 18, graduation from high school? Working part time? Laughing, loving, giving hugs and kisses to their mom. If I had not aborted them. Its a tradegy indeed, but I can tell you that no amount of inconvience is worth an abortion and children are wonderfull! I encourage you to think about this person who ‘is’ and will be, that cute personality, that person with dark or light hair, green or brown eyes, little laughs and cheerio fingers, one day they will have a personality a life and a laugh, a school, friends. Its not worth it to anyone who is thinking abortion. Let this little person become who he/she was meant to be. Its not that much more difficult, even with twins. Its hard at first but you adapt and learn, become smarter and stronger. And I never knew I would love mine so much. They are all blessings added to my life. Besides you can’t take money with you when you die. I have 2boys & 2girls. 13,13,12,7
I also want to share my story in hopes that some one will read the experiences of the girls who have had abortions and will not make the same mistake. Life is precious and you can’t fully understand that until you have experienced the pain taking it away.
On February 25, 2005 I had a medical abortion. I was 7 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. At the time I was 18 years old and in the middle of my senior year in high school. I went to Planned Parenthood all by myself. I was there for about 4 hours. My boyfriend knew about it but could not come with me because it was on a Friday, during school. Because of this I had to be back before school was over because I was his, and my younger brother’s, ride home. I had blood work done, then counseling, then an ultra sound. As I was lying on the table having the ultra sound, I looked over at the screen. The ultra sound tech showed me my baby. She said it was about 12 mm long. After the ultra sound I went into an office and took a pill that would be the first part of a two part medical abortion. Then I drove to school and picked up my boyfriend and brother. The next day I had to insert four pills into my vagina to complete the abortion. About two hours after that I started having unbelievably painful cramps. I couldn’t move it hurt so much. My mother came in and took care of me, asking what was wrong and if I needed anything. I played it off as really bad period cramps. I missed the following Monday at school because I was still in so much pain. On Tuesday I tried going to school, but I barely made it through, I felt like I was going to pass out from the pain and also because I was so weak. I bled for a month. My baby was due on October 11, 2005. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what I did. I deeply regret my decision and there are no words that can describe the pain of knowing that you killed your child. I cry often and I marveled at the fact that my body continued on like nothing ever happened. My mind is what will never forget and never completely heal. At times I looked down and fully expected to see something there but there was nothing. The medication ended my physical pregnancy but it could not stop the mental part of it. My boyfriend and I are still the only one’s who know and we are still together, coming up on 3 years. I don’t know his feelings on what happened, he says he feels nothing, I don’t know if this is true but it still makes me unexplainably sad. I think I feel enough for the both of us, and more.
Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/11/18 15:41
Hi Shelley
Like you I had an abortion that was not my decision. Unlike your partner, mine was unsupportive. He already had a child under 15 months and (in his words) could just say cope with the one, even though his son lived with his Mother!! Anyhow, I think I was 10 weeks gone when I had my abortion. It was the worst experience of my life and although I’m doing well in life now, I’ts something that I totally regret. I felt badgered into ‘getting rid’ as my sister put it, and although I convinced the Doctor that the time wasn’t right, in my head, the time was right. I was only 17 at the time, but had wanted a child and to be a Mother for as long as I can remember. I had no support from anyone and went through it alone. I cried for Months after and longed for the baby I wanted. After a few Months, my partner and I broke up (not suprisingly!) He was a joke. Im now 24 and after 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies I am now infertile. IVF is my only option if I want a child. I do belive that the first time I was pregnant may have been my only chance of having a child without intervention. Im not wanting to scare you or make you think you wont concieve again becuase you will. im just one of the unlucky ones. i know it feels like youre the only one going through it, but as you can see from the replies you get, it proves you are not the only one. i wish you well for the future and if i could give you a big hug, i would! keep your chin up!
love
kristina (uk)
xx
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