Moving on…

The last time I posted here was over 4 years ago (I have been lurking for a few months again now) but thought maybe it was time to say hello.

When I was 17 I fell pregnant, I was with a guy I thought I loved, and that he loved me. I was from a Christian family but had “fallen away”, and was scared. I didn’t want my baby, but because of the beliefs I had been brought up with I couldn’t abort, instead I clung onto the hope that God would *solve* it for me and I’d miscarry (There are a lot of miscarries in the family).

I didn’t think at the time about how that would effect me, or how long it would effect me for. It just solved the problem of having a baby too young with a guy who wanted me to “get shot of it”.

I got my wish, I lost the baby at 16 weeks. At that moment I realised how heartbreaking it was, how actually I had deep down already felt some bond towards her.

I’m now 22, and married to a guy who really loves me and who I really love. I am expecting our first, my second, child. I am 22 weeks tomorrow, and am realising just how deep the scares of Isabel and my thoughts towards her still run.

I *know* I didn’t cause the miscarriage by wishing it upon myself, I *know* it was just chance, but I still feel the guilt that I didn’t want her. I am so scared of losing this bean too.

I will never forget Isabel, she was, is, a part of me forever.