Mixed emotions…

I Know how you feel about he mixed emotions…I never had a positive pregnancy test but in the spring of 07 I just knew I was pregnant, I had been on the pill and I ended up hospitalized and put on major antibiotics and they didn’t tell me that they would cause my BC to not work…I was late and had a very light 3 day period, I lived on green olives, and I had a sudden weight change and felt sick everyday, the next month I was 4 days late, I had horrible cramps that took me to the floor at a friends house, I was in so much pain I was just bawling my eyes out, two days later I started my period very light and the next day I was passing rather large clots, it was never a confirmed pregnancy but I know in my heart that I had lost a baby, the confusion killed me and I felt so crazy, but I have not been able to hold babies since then…I see a good friend with an adorable new fresh baby and I can not bring myself to reach my hands out and say, gimme..LOL..there has only been one baby that I actually needed to hold and had a hard time letting go of in over a year and I have had lots of friends give birth…I am pregnant now and I am having a hard time staying attached to this baby, I am almost into my third trimester, I am due in July and if you read my blog called A fighting Chance you will learn more about why I am having a hard time attaching…I cannot tell you how you will feel if you get pregnant again, I cannot predict how you will feel if you end up miscarrying again, but if I can offer one piece of advice it would be to move ahead with getting married first, your boyfriend loves you and is willing to commit to raising a family together, why not get married first? I come from a past of live in boyfriends and I may as well have been married about 4 times now with the extent to some of my past relationships but there is a difference in marriage that I never understood until I was finally married…you can live with someone and eat, sleep, shower, spend your every waking hour with, have kids together but when it is in a marriage there is a whole other element that cannot be described.. I don’t understand it but I do know that I prefer the bond between my husband and I versus the past bonding of just a live in boyfriend and father to my child…I say this for your encouragement because in the even of miscarrying the relief and comfort you receive from your boyfriend versus your husband is just as much a mystery as the bond I was talking about…there is a different peace that comes from being held by a man who has said I DO, to love you , honor you and cherish you for life and vowed it in front of God and your friends, family and witnesses…Also in the event of you getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy and carrying to term then your family will just be more complete, there will be no wedding planning going on with a newborn or a toddler running around, trust me, we became an instant family with 3 kids and it was hard working out the wedding details between naps and diaper changes and kids going back and forth, I think you should use this time of uncertainty to plan your wedding without the added stress of pregnancy and worry, then when the timing is right you can begin the process of bringing a child into your loving established marriage and that way if for some reason things don’t go so well, you will have the safety and comfort of your husbands arms to run to, not that your boyfriend will not be there but you will find more of a benefit if he is your husband…I hope this helps and I just want to encourage you to hang in there, the attachment can be hard but I try to force myself to say, my baby rather than the baby, I would rather love and lose then harden my heart and miss out on that bonding time…I encourage you to feel the same way and to let go and give it to God…sometimes that is all we can do and you know what?? That is when miracles happen…Love Meg