Life now, it seem’s unbearable.

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      Here’s the thing i was only 14 when i found out i was pregnant, i had an termination only i’m from northern ireland so i had to fly to england to have the procedure, i wasn’t exactly sure how far along i was because i’d taken a few tests that told me the response was negative, of course my body hadn’t registered it yet so i kept thinking it must be stress. i didnt find out that i was over four months until i actually got to the clinic over there. With me being so young my mother came with me but the thing is well i’m 16 now so it’s been rougly a year and a half since the termination and things have been pretty bad i feel sickened to my core thinking about it, i feel alot more matured now well at least in my mentally anyway and when i think back to the whole situation i feel like it just never registered with me that i was pregnant, the facts were there but my mind just wasn’t taking it in, i laughed, i joked, i could picture myself with a darling perfect little boy in my arm’s but i never thought about the serious facts and well when i think about it now i feel as if i was pushed into the situation because when i told my parents they were shocked but not angry they brought me to a clinic that very day to help me decide what i wanted to do and what all my options were once i found out i didnt really think it over much because my mum had told me what she would prefer me to do, because it was also a big factor in her life it would have but as much strain on her career as it would have on mine, so naturally i talked to my boyfriend about it and well he thought it was what i wanted so he agreed that he wanted the same thing and well thinking about it now i feel as if i was backed into a corner because well if you had been my age and in the situation and your mother told you that she would prefer you to have a termination, it obviously seems like the thing to do afterall this is the woman who has taken care of you, protected you, made all your choices for you all your life, how can you go against that how could i do that to her so of course there and then in that clinic i told them thats what i was doing. i was in a clinic in Birmingham within not even a week and it was terribly frightening, to this day i have nightmares. Of course after it i had the contreceptive implant put in as a precaution, and well that badly messed up my menstual cycle so they also put me on the combined pill and after it i was completely fine,i was carefree no worries nothing until last june when i was brought into hospital and diagnosed with a bloodclot and that a embolis of it had broken off and traveled into my lungs, i could have died if another embolis had broken off and travelled to my heart or brain. Of course the bloodclot was a factor of having the termination and travelling straight after, they also queried the combined pill but i had been on it so little time that they doubted it was the cause, while i was in the hospital i caught a virus which gave me glandular fever and reacted badly with my splein and liver so i ended up having jaundice, i was in hospital for two and a half months, all thoughout my summer holidays, they put me on warfarin to thin my blood and i was getting daily blood tests for a year this all happened to me at age 14, i was all over the place. In september my mother went to a spiritualist who was also a physic and she told her that i was having a lot of trouble and issues with the situation and she said she would like to see me, so i went to her with a close friend not long after and she did a spiritualist reading and she was able to tell me that the child was the little boy i had wanted and she was able to tell me his name and it was the very name that i had picked out it my own head and that he was with my then recently deceased great grandmother and that he was a pure spirit that he was never supposed to touch this earth with his presence and well she told me alot of other things and it really killed me i seemed to be doing okay until i saw her, since then and it’s been 11 months and well i still feel terrible it sickens me, the regret, the greif, its somtimes unbearable and i feel like the whole situation is a taboo subject like i can’t talk about it to anyone like my boyfriend or my parents not only do i have trouble getting the words out of my mouth but if i hurt them it would only make things worse. i cry myself to sleep almost every night and think about it constantly and it never gets any better, i think that maybe if i talked to someone it might help but i cant, i really cant bring myself to do it and well i found your website and well thought maybe if i couldn’t talk physically maybe this would be the next best thing to get some relief, not that i deserve it but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. thanks.


        Oh honey, you found the right place…my heart is breaking for you as I read your post…what a hard thing to go through at any age much less 14. I know what it is like to feel like there is no one to talk to and that is what I love about Standupgirl, we are all here for you, to love you, accept you as you are, and to help you find a way to heal. The first thing I want you to know is that you are allowed to miss your baby and grieve. You have every right to do so, don’t let anyone stop you. I think it was unfair and wrong for your mom to take you to that “psychic” answer me this, if this person is a psychic, why have they not predicted a lottery and won all the money, if I was a psychic that is what I would do. I personally do not believe anything that comes out of their mouths, if you believe that your baby was a little boy then hold on to that but not because someone told you while in a psychic trance. If your baby was not supposed to be here and touch this earth then why did you get pregnant? I think you need to disregard the things this psychic told you, they sound hurtful and like a bunch of airy words that someone told her to tell you to try to make you “feel better” Honey, I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, I wish I could hold you and let you cry in my arms, I wish I could protect you from those who have pushed you into this harm, all I can do is be here as a friend, I can listen, I can share, I can pray for you…my heart hurts for you sweetie and I know that this is not it for you, though sorrow may last through the night, Joy comes in the morning, right now is a season of darkness and night so to speak, one day the sun will rise and you will find a new hope to cling to, I will be here every step of the way…here is also an email to a friend of mine who will be able to help too, ,she has been where you are, she knows the loss you are feeling…please write to her and let her help you too…please write me anytime you are sad, lonely or just want to share…Love Meg


          i am soo soo sorry that you had to go through that all. your story really brought tears to my eyes.

          its been almost 3 years since my abortion…and even through i went through a death of my two baby angels this year, the abortion still comes up sometimes and makes me feel sick to my stomach (griev,regrets,what ifs….).

          i cant lie to you and i wont… i cant say it wil get better with time you will forget it…you wont. but you do will learn to live with it, no matter how hard it sounds now..

          i know how unbelivably it sounded to me when i was told that… but you DO learn to deal with it…well mostly it helps to talk about it…and this IS the right place..i couldnt talk about it in person for a looong long time. but i could write y feelings down, and it helped me..

          did you thought about writting letters to your baby? or just…to someone, to a noname person, express yourself, say ( write) what you are feeling, cry when you will be doing it, cause it will hurt…and when youl read it it will seem so much more real, and it will also hurt so much more.. but with every letter your soul will be eased, cause some of your emotions will be on the paper…

          do you do something special for your baby boy? always when i felt (feel) sad, and miss my babys really much, i light a candle, cause i belive they see that as that their mommy misses them specially that day/evening, and that they come and in some way, i feel comforted..

          if you ever need a person to talk to…id love to be there or you, and listen to you, cause thats what you need, someone that will listen, so you can let those feelings out..

          thinkin about you…



            oh im sorry to hear your loss.. i havent been there but surely, at this point of times you need GOD, he is just waiting for you to talk to him. we are also here for you, wherever we are, we could always help one another, we could always make every one feels relieve from their pains and sorrows! i know its so hard what you have been going through but god will forgive you, let him guide you through your life and ask forgiveness for what had happened. HE WILL ALWAYS LISTEN.. Take care! i hope you’ll be feeling better..

            much love, nelle!

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