Life now, it seem’s unbearable.

Here’s the thing i was only 14 when i found out i was pregnant, i had an termination only i’m from northern ireland so i had to fly to england to have the procedure, i wasn’t exactly sure how far along i was because i’d taken a few tests that told me the response was negative, of course my body hadn’t registered it yet so i kept thinking it must be stress. i didnt find out that i was over four months until i actually got to the clinic over there. With me being so young my mother came with me but the thing is well i’m 16 now so it’s been rougly a year and a half since the termination and things have been pretty bad i feel sickened to my core thinking about it, i feel alot more matured now well at least in my mentally anyway and when i think back to the whole situation i feel like it just never registered with me that i was pregnant, the facts were there but my mind just wasn’t taking it in, i laughed, i joked, i could picture myself with a darling perfect little boy in my arm’s but i never thought about the serious facts and well when i think about it now i feel as if i was pushed into the situation because when i told my parents they were shocked but not angry they brought me to a clinic that very day to help me decide what i wanted to do and what all my options were once i found out i didnt really think it over much because my mum had told me what she would prefer me to do, because it was also a big factor in her life it would have but as much strain on her career as it would have on mine, so naturally i talked to my boyfriend about it and well he thought it was what i wanted so he agreed that he wanted the same thing and well thinking about it now i feel as if i was backed into a corner because well if you had been my age and in the situation and your mother told you that she would prefer you to have a termination, it obviously seems like the thing to do afterall this is the woman who has taken care of you, protected you, made all your choices for you all your life, how can you go against that how could i do that to her so of course there and then in that clinic i told them thats what i was doing. i was in a clinic in Birmingham within not even a week and it was terribly frightening, to this day i have nightmares. Of course after it i had the contreceptive implant put in as a precaution, and well that badly messed up my menstual cycle so they also put me on the combined pill and after it i was completely fine,i was carefree no worries nothing until last june when i was brought into hospital and diagnosed with a bloodclot and that a embolis of it had broken off and traveled into my lungs, i could have died if another embolis had broken off and travelled to my heart or brain. Of course the bloodclot was a factor of having the termination and travelling straight after, they also queried the combined pill but i had been on it so little time that they doubted it was the cause, while i was in the hospital i caught a virus which gave me glandular fever and reacted badly with my splein and liver so i ended up having jaundice, i was in hospital for two and a half months, all thoughout my summer holidays, they put me on warfarin to thin my blood and i was getting daily blood tests for a year this all happened to me at age 14, i was all over the place. In september my mother went to a spiritualist who was also a physic and she told her that i was having a lot of trouble and issues with the situation and she said she would like to see me, so i went to her with a close friend not long after and she did a spiritualist reading and she was able to tell me that the child was the little boy i had wanted and she was able to tell me his name and it was the very name that i had picked out it my own head and that he was with my then recently deceased great grandmother and that he was a pure spirit that he was never supposed to touch this earth with his presence and well she told me alot of other things and it really killed me i seemed to be doing okay until i saw her, since then and it’s been 11 months and well i still feel terrible it sickens me, the regret, the greif, its somtimes unbearable and i feel like the whole situation is a taboo subject like i can’t talk about it to anyone like my boyfriend or my parents not only do i have trouble getting the words out of my mouth but if i hurt them it would only make things worse. i cry myself to sleep almost every night and think about it constantly and it never gets any better, i think that maybe if i talked to someone it might help but i cant, i really cant bring myself to do it and well i found your website and well thought maybe if i couldn’t talk physically maybe this would be the next best thing to get some relief, not that i deserve it but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. thanks.