I am not going to judge you. It seems to me you have just reached a place, where nothing seems to fill that void inside you. Emptiness. We all reach that place at some point or another. For some we do not have to sink very far to find that emptiness and longing, other times we sink very far and try many things before we reach that place of emptiness.
I do not was sound like I am preaching to you. I just want to tell you that. No matter what you have heard or believe, there is a God. really. and not only does he just exist somewhere out there in space. But he wants to have a relationship with you. We were created to have fellowship with God. That is why we try and fill up our lives with the things, people, drugs, etc. but we are meant to fill that hole with God. And He loves you! I mean really loves you! I do not know of very many people who would be willing to die for an innocent person, let alone a guilty one. But he did. Even when we despised Him, and sinned against Him, he died so we would be forgiven.
We might see ourselves as “pretty good” I know I am guilty of thinking this, but before God I am not better than anyone else. I have done some pretty rotten things, and no matter what God loves me! He loves ME!! and he loves you too! All you have to do is admit to Him that you are a sinner, and you don;t have it all together, but that you believe in Him and his death and resurrection, and you will be saved you will be whole, with new meaning and life! I would be lost without Him. And you can be found in Him.