it’s done

so i went to sleep crying, woke up crying and am still crying. although i do not let my husband se in his own ways he was hinting to me that it was wrong. i don’t know what to really do with my self. i was pregnant for 13weeks and i wake up this morning and its gone, my baby who had no voice to be heard, who only counted on it’s mommy to protect it but i’m the one who killed him, it just makes me think am i a good mom? i love my 4yr old very much and i don’t think i can live without him but yet i didn’t give my other baby a chance, i knew it was wrong what i did but yet i did it. i had a 1hr and a 1/2 drive to manhattan to think about what i was doing but yet the whole way there i thought nothing, my 6hour wait i thought nothing but when i woke up from that bed afterward, the only thing i could do was feel my stomach and cry. the nurses keep me there longer cause they said i was hyperventilating, i really don’t remember much of that, i was put to sleep and what felt like 1min later i woke up to my baby gone. what have done i can never get that back ever i killed my baby, i would never enflict pain on my son ever, i can’t even stand to see him cry, when he gets his shots at the doctors i have his dad go in the room with him cause he looks at me with those eye as if saying "your my mommy why did you let them hurt me" but my unborn never had the chance to give me that look and had no one protect him except me and io killed him, you see i did have 2 abortions in the past that honestly and sad to say it really had no affect on me, i took the test and automatically, we knew we had to get an abortion, no thoughts on keeping it and i did it at 6weeks, so i never saw a sono of those babies and never mention them to anyone, i just went on with my life, so i guess i never really understood why some girls were so emotional about it, i figured no big deal but at the time i had those abortions i was heavy into drugs, not an addict i still had job, feed, bath and done everything else my son needed, no one really knew but it effected my desision on things, i guess it made me heartless. this child i planned on keeping i told anybody that would listen that i’m having a BABY!!! on my birthday i sat in the doctors for 3 hours for my intial ob vist and i got my first sono of my baby, i said that is the best birthday present i could get, to see my baby has a heart beat and is alive and ok, i got baby clothes and bottles but because i decided to be a coward, scared financially and what if my husband was to leave us again or star drugs again what will i do. me and my husband do not have a healthy relationship, we argue alot, we just got back together after being split up for 6months and befor that we were only together 6months, i have been with him since i was 16 and i’am now 22 but next month will mark 6months we are back together, we are alot better now and to work things out rather than argue, it was very volent before and not just on his behalf. well my point is everything came flooding back to me and i killed the child i loved, i came home and all i could think was "did i really do this" for all of you out there that are considering doing this, YOU CAME ON THIS SITE BECAUSE YOU CARE AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO GET AN ABORTION AND WHEN YOU GO THAT EXTRA STEP TO LOOK UP THIS WEBSITE INSTEAD OF JUST SCHEDULING YOUR APPT AND GOING. YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO. I know who am i to preach but i’m not, i’m only stating the obvious that was right in front of my face. well sorry its so long i just had to get it all out.