it still hurts

this past summer, i had just turned 22 and was graduating college in december, i had broken up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years it was really hard and we were still fighting even after the break up and eventually he stopped talking to me all together two weeks later i had found out i was pregnant. i took a pregnancy test expecting it to be negative since i was on the pill but when i saw a plus sign i had to read the directions over and over again. i walked around my house in circles not knowing what to do. i called my ex boyfriend who thought i was lying as an excuse to talk to him i told him nevermind and hung up he called me back and said hed help me take care of it. i had always been against abortion and thought it was wrong expecially knowing i would be a college graduate by the time the baby was born. i told him i didnt want to have an abortion and he said i didnt have a choice and that we couldnt afford a baby i said i wanted to talk to my mom before i made a decision. i went home the next day but chicken out when telling my mom and went to the doctor the next day and found out i was already 6 wks and 1 day along so if i didnt have much time to think about my decision. i was adament that i would not do a surgical abortion because it felt more real. when i told my ex boyfriend i didnt think i could have an abortion he got mad at me i gave into getting it hoping if i did what he wanted he would finally not be mad at me anymore for the break up. i went and got the abortion pill the next day,alone, the doctor had talked to me about both the pill and the surgery he told me the pill was more painful and recommended the surgery i said no and i took the pill knowing there was no turning back at that point. i left and went home the next day my ex came by and i broke down crying to him he tried telling me i did the right thing and i figured i was just very hormonal. i went back for my check up to find out i did not fully abort the fetus and would have to get surgery i started crying in the office and had to make an appt for the surgery i called my ex and told him i needed a ride he asked to reschedule it because it conflicted with his vacation i tried telling him its not something that can be taken care when its convenient. luckily when i went back for the surgery they did a sonogram and i had passed the excess tissue and did not have to have a surgery the first relief i had heard in awhile. the doctor then asked me about the pain i said the pain was minimal, i barely noticied it all i remember was the mental anguish. my ex boyfriend started talking to me again but everytime i see him i get so angry and hate a part of him for what happened even though i know i made the decision im angry he didnt have to suffer through it the way i did. i work with teenage moms and its hard seeing them try and knowing i chickened out and didnt do it even having a college degree and being in my 20s. i tried buying a new car which i cant even afford to make up for it, it didnt work. and every day i think how far along i wouldve been at this point that i would be due this month. the pain was starting to get better and then 2 weeks ago i had a dream that i had a baby girl and she was taken from me and my dream was me crying for my baby the whole time thats when it all hit me again and every day i wonder what if i try to move beyond it but i cant i have also recently relapsed in bulimia and feel completly lost in life. my advice if you feel in your heart you cant have an abortion dont because i wish i knew then what i know now.