it caused me to be depressed…help

my first time was as if someone had place a sharp knife into me, it was painfull. i cried all day, and yet the pain didn’t go. i was so confused that i didn’t want anyone to be around me, not even my boyfriend. i blamed him for the pain i went through because when i first told him that i was pregnant he told me that i couldn’t keep it. he give me the money to go and do the abortion the next day. i waited about 12wks before i go to the doctor. I went through that 12wks all by myself and he wasn’t there once for me. i cried all day and nite, if it wasn’t on the outside it was surely on the inside. i got thinner as the weeks went by. anyhow, after the abortion it wasn’t long after i ended up pregnant again; and again i did the abortion. he was very happy because he didn’t want me to mess up his sports career. well so i thought, but he said that "he didn’t wan to mess up my career"
not once did he think about what i wanted, i was in college at the time(still is) and jobless, living with my parents and not on scholarship. My boyfriend was in the same position as me, except he wasn’t going to college. i’m in love and was in love with him and as much as it hurt me i thought it was something good to do because i wasn’t going to be disappionting my parents ( well i did, any way).
after my two abortions, my boyfriend is finally ready for a baby, i really love children, but i can’t have one now, because of the responsiblity it have.