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Frodo18
I got pregnant, unexpectedly, when i was 15…….I honestly didn’t know I was pregnant until I went to the hospital…I had only gained 15 punds and my period was normal…..anyways, long story short, my son is 3 now and he’s the light of my life. I wouldn’t be here without him. The part I’m having trouble with is this……when I was pregnant my boyfriend left me for about frou months (he came back a month after our son was born) and we’re still haning on. However, I got pregnant again last november…..welll, I guess it was october……or actually augut ’cause by the time I went to the clinic I was almost three months along…..anyways…….There really is a point to this, I’m just kinda nervous to be talking about it. I had an abortion on Nvember 11th and I kinda dealt with it myself. I know it’s kinda silly ’cause it’s about 6 months later now, but I still feel empty. I can still feel the needle and I can still feel how hollow it was. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if this is normal and I don’t know who I can talk to about this. Now my boyfriend is teling me it’s time to get rid of our sons baby monitor, and I just can’ bring myself to tell him that the reason I don’t want to is because I should still have a baby. She would have been three months old. I fell so horrible obsessing over this because my son is starting pre-school, and it’s just driving m crazy. I don’t know why I’m still obsessing over the dead when I can still love the living. I don’t know what to do…….I should still have a baby……..
Kit
I’m so sorry that you had to go through the pain of the abortion and I can understand how you are feeling. Why didn’t you tell your boyfriend about the pregnancy? Perhaps he would have been supportive. Its not good to keep such strong feelings of pain, loss, and guilt inside. I would talk to a group like Project Rachel or other post-abortion counseling. They should be able to help you deal with your feelings. I would also talk to your boyfriend and tell him what happened and how you are feeling. From my experiences relationships are strongest when both partners are able to openly communicate their feelings and be there to support one another through hard times. I will keep you in my prayers.
I did tell him about it. We talked about it and he even came to the clinic with me. He’s just not comfortable talking about it. He helped me….kinda….one night, I was crying in my sleep and he asked me what was wrong and I just rubbed my stomach and said ‘there should be a baby in there." He just held me and told me that she was with god….blah blah blah….it really helped. But where it’s so long after it’s happened, I don’t know if he’d be able to understand any of it. I don’t know if I hould tell him everything I’m feeling, or even how to broach the subject.
Okay. I’m sorry that I misunderstood. I don’t know how you should bring up the topic with your bf. If he brings up the subject of getting rid or your son’s baby monitor you can share with him why you are feeling reluctant and sad. It doesn’t seem like this is affecting him on as deep of an emotional level. I would guess that his reaction would probably be similar to before. At least he would know how you are feeling though. I would still reccommend that you seek post-abortion counseling. I haven’t personally gone through the pain of an abortion, but I have heard that it can help to deal with some of the emptiness, pain, and grief. There have been many times that I wish I could go back in the past and change the past. Unfortunately it isn’t possible to undo the abortion, but you can learn from the experience and you can focus on being the best possible mother to your son and to any future children you have. Best wishes.
Anonymous
Let me jusy say that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Most women who have had abortions feel the residual effects for a long time. I suggest that you find someone independent of the situation and with some experience on the subject that can help you work through this incredibly emotional ordeal. I’ve never had an abortion myself, but have known many who have. I do know what it’s like to deal with the loss though, cause I had a miscarriage almost 3 years ago. Now I have a 5 week old son, but I still often wonder about the child we lost. Remember that you are not alone, and the more you allow yorself to talk it out and deal with the guilt and pain, the more you will figure that out.
first off lemme just say how much i feel for you. i can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to opt to have an abortion. i understand your circumstances though. i’m the mother of a little boy and he’s currently 18 months old. if his father and i were to conceive another child any time in the near future i would be at a loss. it would be difficult enough for a girl who was aborting her first pregnancy, but because you already had your little boy you know what you’re actually aborting. i think i would suggest telling your boyfriend what has taken place and why you really don’t want to get rid of the baby monitor. that’s probably going to be a rough conversation, but maybe he could help you through it. i honestly don’t think you can hold that inside of yourself for very long w/out it doing some major damage to yourself. a child is a huge thing, and coping w/ the loss of a child (no matter the reason) is an unbearable thing to endure. talking might help you through this. remember, you still have your little boy and he needs his mommy. even though six months may seem like a long time, it’s actually a relatively short time span for something like this, so you have to consider what things will be like a year or five years down the road if you let this eat you up silently. i’m sure that whatever you decide to do will be the right choice, and you will definately be in my thoughts and prayers! 🙂
I know exactly what you are feeling. I had an abortion on Feb 25th of 2005, my baby would have been born in about a month (the due date was Oct. 11th). I still feel like I should have something there and I feel guilty beyond anything that I ever thought possible. I don’t feel like I should be allowed to be happy and when I cry about it my boyfriend ranges from getting sad or mad to trying his best to convince me that I’m not a horrible person and other such things. I know he means well but he just doesn’t understand and he really can’t. If you ever need to talk about it more with some one who can relate I would love to hear from you, I think it would help you and I definently need help. I hope to hear from you.
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2005/09/20 00:57
My dear friend "Frodo18" my heart breaks for you and I know exactly how you feel. I am Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website and when I read your e-mail my heart went out to you. You know why? Because I have been exactly where you are.
Can I share something with you? When we loose a loved one and they pass away, we can go to a funeral, then to the cemetary or a burial place. We get to honor their ‘departure’ and we have some sense of finality. We can go and visit the gravesite/burial spot and leave flowers, cry or even talk if it makes us feel better. But it is accepted by society for us to grieve for a period of time. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that … you and I have lost a baby. Our very own baby and we (after this horrible choice to abort) have now realized what we have done. Society tells us "Are you still crying over that? You are better off after the choice you made, move on with your life." No one would dare say that to a mother who lost her child. But you know what? You and I have lost a child and our heart breaks.
Can I tell you … you have complete permission to cry, to grieve and to feel your pain. It’s OK … I wish I were right there with you to just lean my shoulder to you as you begin to let it go. I know the pain ohhh too well. I am one of Beckys previously featured Stand Up Girls and my story is on the site too.
But you know what? If you read my story, you will also find … there is light at the end of the tunnel. Truly anyone that has not experienced abortion cannot understand … completely … what you and I have gone through and what our hearts feel today.
My dear friend – please don’t be afraid to tell your boyfriend (husband?) your true heart. If you aren’t quite ready to let go of the baby monitor … it’s OK. Men are built differently than women anyway and truly we can have so many emotions that they will never understand. But I’m sure he will be compassionaite toward your heart.
In the meantime – if you are crying as you read this right now … truly it’s OK. It’s healthy to get out your tears. To grieve properly and to allow the pain to be flushed rather than stuffed. I think it would also be extremely important for you to go to a post abortion group. I went to a small post abortion group, once for each baby I aborted. Unfortunately I had 2 abortions … I didn’t learn my lesson. I’ll give you a link to my story at the end here so if you read my story … you may not feel so alone.
The post abortion group is usually a very small group of women just like you and I who have experienced this pain of abortion and are trying to find a way out from under the guilt, shame and sorrow. I will also give you a link to locate a ‘post abortion’ group in your area. See if they use the materials "Forgive and Set Free" written by "Linda Cochran". This was a wonderful tool of healing for me and I know it would be for you too. Here is a link to locate a group in your area.
http://www.abortionrecoverydirectory.org/
Here also is a link to my story if you care to read it so you know you are not alone:
https://standupgirl.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&lang=en&id=74&Itemid=41
So I hope you can locate a place near you where you can properly grieve. Take care of yourself.
Luv Lisa
I just wanted to thank all of you so very, very much. This has helped me so very much. it’s such a wonderful feeling to know that I’m not all alone and that it’s okay to feel this way. You all have a special place in my heart. I’m going to go check out those links for the groups and see if they halp any. it’ nice to have someone to talk to who knows what I’ve been through, and what I’m going through. I always thought that I’d have to do this alone. My boyfriend’s been really supportive (bless his heart) but he just doesn’t know and feel it like I do. it’s so wonderful to know that it’s okay to feel like this and that I’m not the only person going through this. I cried reading all your replys. You’re such wonderful people. Thank you so very, very much. My heart goes out to those who feel this way. I hope we can help each other get through this.
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