im sorry

To my baby in heaven

I am so sorry, it has almost been a year and you are still all i think about. i cannot believe a year has come and gone, and after all the praying and hoping and wishing and crying. you are still not here with me.
It seems as though i have tried everything to bring you back but nothing seems to have worked.

Even though you have every right to hate me and be angry with your mother, please know that i am so sorry. i would take my life if i could and give it to you. just so you could have a shot at life. I want you to know that it was not you who did anything wrong. I made that decision on my own no matter how much i want to blame it on other people.

the truth is mummy was scared. Scared of what people would think of her, and of you. But i had forgotten about my voice and my job as a mother was to protect you and i didnt and for that i am sorry. no matter what you are still my whole world.

and i AM proud of you. i need to let go but i just cant, it is hurting to much. i need to let u go, and let god take care of you. but it is hard to put your life in the hands of someone else, and thats what i did and look what happened. i am sorry. my eyes are filling up with tears as i say this

you are everything id trade the world to have you back. when i cry for you i feel my heart break over and over again. ive never felt anything worse. i’m going back to school, for you. and when i finish i want to either help other people in my situation or be a flight attendent and travel.

You are my inspiration, my one love. you will always be my first child. i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS love you my sweet baby.

you will alway’s be in my heart, i will carry your heart and soul with me wherever i go. I love you my darling.

Love always,
Mummy x x 🙁