I was still in high school and only weeks from…

Dear Becky and Lisa,
After reading through your site I felt compelled to share my own story. When I was 18 I found out that I was pregnant. I was still in high school and only weeks from graduating. This couldn’t happen to me or so I had thought. My boyfriend Jason and I had been together for 3 years off and on. He was as scared as I was when I told him. We decided to tell my mom together. She said that I would ruin my life if I had a baby then and she wouldn’t have her grandchild being raised by anyone else so adoption was out. I told her that she would have to take care of it because I just couldn’t do it. The appointment was made and she went with me. I remember being handed birth control pills and my legs being so wobbly after it was over. That was March 27, 1995. My boyfriend remained silent all this time, right up to the end of our relationship a week later. I had no one to talk to about what it had done to my emotional state so I buried it deep inside and tried to pretend it never happened.
Graduation went off without a hitch. In the meantime I had gotten back together with a guy that I had been seeing off and on Dale. I had told him about what had happened. He just sat on the curb and cried. He thought the baby could have been his. Things moved on and we decided to get married. 2 months after my abortion I became pregnant again. Dale was ecstatic! We were being given another chance. Of course my body was in no shape to carry a child, let alone go to term. I miscarried at 4 months. Dale tried to be there for me, but I was certain that God was making me pay for the horrible sin I had committed and pushed him away. Our relationship dissolved within months.
In 1996 I became pregnant again by Jason. This time my mom was thrilled. She knew what the abortion had done to me. We were determined to go all the way. We got married and our son Zachary Kie was born December 28, 1996. Unfortunately our marriage only lasted 8 months. When our son was 2 months old we split up. Never once did I regret being a single mom. My son was/is my drive. I wrapped my world around him.
In November of 1997 I met Dana. He took to my son wonderfully. He changed diapers, got up late at night for feedings and took Zachary everywhere with him. Thinking that I was the luckiest woman alive, I married him. 2 years into our marriage I became pregnant. I was so excited. He was at work and I wanted to wait until he got home to tell him. In the mean time, I blabbed to my mom and to his. They were both full of well wishes and excitement. When he came home I told him about the test. He flew into a rage, screaming in my face that he didn’t want it. As we lay in bed arguing about it, he demanded that I have an abortion. I reminded him of the first time and how bad it had mentally screwed me up. He said that I has said that I would do anything to make him happy and that this was my chance to prove it. Hysterically, I gave in. He set up the appointment and took me. He even told our parents that it was just a routine check up to see if I was pregnant or not! I was 2 weeks along. When it was over and I had willingly killed a second child, I gave my programmed response that it was just a false alarm and I had never been pregnant. 3 months later I was still depressed and having a hard time coping. He said that he couldn’t understand why I was depressed all the time and that I never smiled anymore. He couldn’t understand how my soul filled with guilt when I looked at my 3 year old son and remembered the pain of having that small life ripped from within me. He left in the middle of that third month and we divorced. I later found out that I was not the only woman he had pushed into abortion. There were 4 others!
2 years ago I remarried Jason. We have had our ups and downs, but I dare say we have grown up a lot. He doesn’t know what Dana pushed me to do and I doubt I will ever tell. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the weight of my guilt for what I have done. I cry when I think about it as I am now. We have never discussed that day so long ago. I have asked God to forgive me, but I will never forgive myself. They don’t put that into any of the pamphlets or videos they show you.
I am now 27 and just found out yesterday that I am weeks pregnant with our second child. Jason is thrilled as is the rest of my family. We are planning for a bigger house and looked at baby items today. Our 8 year old son anxiously awaits the arrival of his new brother, because he still finds little girls gross. Ashamed, I hide my past from him. He doesn’t know that his mother is a murderer.