I sometimes feel like I’m vanishing

I feel like I’m now starting to be more depressed, and it’s been a a year since I’ve had my son. I feel like I’m vanishing and this new..boring and sad girl is taking over. I just feel so blah and not myself. I feel SOOO sad and depressed and I just cry. I cry because I feel like I’m not good at what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not the perfect mother and I just want my son to enjoy life like i didnt. I want to be the mother i didnt have. I feel bad now as a mother, as I look back at how I wish i was treated as a child. i feel selfish for wanting to be the best. I feel like I’m being lazy by not accomplishing everything. I’m not graduating on time. I don’t have imagination, I feel like a fat lazy bum when my son is happy playing and i just dont have the energy or want, to sit down there and play and laugh. Don’t get me wrong, i talk and sing and read and play with him all the time. But i feel like its my obligation to do that ALL THE TIME. Because I didn’t have any of that. I just want to have a healthy and happy baby boy. I feel like I’m going crazy and that no one feels the same. this is the first time I’ve gotten this off my chest.. :/