i need advice please!!!!!!

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      First of all i am new here. I have searched and searched for some place where i could talk about this and i am hoping that i have finally found it. I have a major problem and i dont know what to do. I have lived with this since i was almost 17 years old and no one but me knows about it. Now i am getting married in 6 months to the most wonderful man that i have ever met in my life. The only problem is that i have been totally honest with him and i dont think i can marry him if i aint. Not because i think that a couple should know every little thing about one another but because i love him with every single part of my body, mind, and soul and i need to know without a doubt that he can love me for me no matter what.

      So here is the thing. When i was almost 17 i was dating a guy who was a few years older than me. The second time that i slept with him i got pregnant. I didnt know what to do. So naturally as soon as i found out i panicked and told him. He left my best friends house that day and i never saw him agian. So, i chose to have an abortion because i didnt want to have a baby alone. I didnt want my child to have no family. I wanted that family. I thought my baby deserved to have two parents not just me. I wanted a child but it just wasnt the right time. I couldnt have done it. I knew that. So i went with my best friend who was older than me to a local planned parenthood and received what is often referred to as the "abortion cocktail", these are pills called Ru486 and Methotrxate. They are taken orally with another pill called protoglandin. RU486 prevents nutrients from reaching the baby, causing starvation. Methotrxate directly poisions the baby. An the prostaglandin causes hard labor which dispells the child from your womb.

      I know that all of that is a bit much for me to tell you but i have to tell someone. Not to mention that i am afriad of how you will feel about me when you see that i had an abortion. However, even though i know you may feel that i should go to hell or whatever i do want to tell you this. I picked the easiest method. The one that i thought i could deal with. The other options were horrible and i would have rather died than use some of them. I do want to tell you that i regret the decision i made every day. I wake up every morning thinking i killed my baby. I hate it and if i had it to do over again i would do it differently. But i cant redo it. Now i just have to solve the other problems that come with it.

      So here is where i need your help. My fiance has two children. Both boys under the age of five. We are getting married in 6 months and he has no clue that i had an abortion. He knows that i have a lot of problems. The abortion i had caused me to have a lot of scar tissue and pain all the time. I have been told that i have endometriosis and that if it contiues to progress i may never be able to have kids. I also have episodes of depression and panmic and anixety disorders. He just doesnt know why.

      Please if yall have any suggestions please please tell me how to tell him. I am so scared. He is the love of my life and i cant loose him. Please help me! 🙁



        I’m so sorry you have lived with that kind of pain for so long. I understand that you’re scared, but I think the best thing to do is just sit down with him and explain it. I think that if he truely loves you that this is something you 2 can easily get through. After all, the abortion is in your past and the 2 of you weren’t together when it happened. He would have to be a really big jerk to hold your past against you. So just tell him. You may be suprised by his reaction.

        Hailey Jade 11/23/04


          I don’t think that you are a bad person, and I would never say anything like you are going to hell. You were in a tough situation, and you made a choice that now you wish you could go back and change. I believe that God is very loving and forgiving. Nothing, even abortion is too great for forgiveness as long as you are truly sorry. I’m sorry that you are going through so much pain and guilt. You might want to consider post-abortion counseling such as Project Rachel or other group. Perhaps talking with women who have gone through similar experiences can help you deal with the pain from the past.

          I would talk to your fiance about your feelings. Good releationships are based on love and trust and support. If he is as wondrful as you describe him, then I strongly doubt that he would leave you. I think that if you let him know about why you feel the way you do it can remove barriers to a deeper relationship with your fiance and he can help you deal with the pain of the past. I would sit down with him when you are alone together and just tell him that you don’t want to keep secrets about the past from him. Be open and honest about your fears and feelings. Best wishes.



            I agree with Kate. Just sit him down and tell him that you need to clear the air. I’m sure you thought he would think less of you if you told him. I think it is best to be open and honest about it. I can understand why you didn’t tell him. It sounds like to me that he will be there for you. You shouldn’t have to carry this burden by yourself. If your love is as strong as you say it is you will make it through this and you will feel much better that you were totally honest about it. I say tell him.
            Good luck to you.
            Happy Grandma

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