i just want…

to thank some of the amazing SUG girls, who have been such a great support…. and special thank to those few special SUG mamas, who i am sure know who they are <3 for helping me get back on my feet whenever i was so down i thought i cant even breathe anymore.

i can say the least...my life has been a rollercoaster. maybe it has started before, but it def. started in 2008 when i got the positive HPT test with my girls. i miss being pregnant with them, it was so...new?exciting...AWESOME feeling them BOTH move inside...even tho they did love to kick my bladder
the bedrest was a pain in the ass...so was the hospital stay...from the moment when my water broke...till now actually...it sometimes seems only minutes were in between...yet its going to be TWO YEARS.

two years since i gave birth to two....most precious things i have ever seen in my life. i still cant belive it, so tiny, yet so perfectly formed...and those tiny fingers....ears...i was in love with my daughters ears
i wish i would have hold Jana Ina more than the amout of time i did,...
i wish i would take pictures, with both of them together, of all of us together...it hurts me to know we will never have a family picture.
i miss Angie...i still sometimes feel that maybe if i wouldve done something differently, she would be runing around all the time...maybe,...just maybe if i would be there...hear heart wouldnt stop cause she would know her mommy is right there next to her, watching over her...loving her...

i miss them. i know how i say i miss summer. i miss my friends who live far away....but this...its so much different. its so much more intesnse....its filled with pain....i miss them. i wish SO MUCH that i would get...atleast one more chance...to just look at them...kiss them..tell them how much i love them.

i hate how people say how strong i am. if they would knew whats goin on inside me, they would surely not say that,...

the thing i hate to hear moste is...it was ment to be. they are in a better place now...how can they be in a better place...if they are not in their mothers arms?.

it is true what they say...it gets easier. but not like i thought...that the pain will get less intense...the emptiness would shrink...you only...learn to live with this. i wouldnt say you get imune to it, but you...simply carry it with you all the time,like you start doin in the moment your child takes your last breath...BUT with the time inbetween, you learn to walk around...with all of those feeling being a part of you...

im sorry this is so long....but again, thank you for your support<3