i just don’t know

i had an abortion almost seven weeks ago, at first i was fine, i barely thought about, i thought that i barely cared about it, but now all of a sudden its like a slap in the face, now the tears start falling and i swear that i can feel my heart breaking, why??? nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately, i mean nothing to just break that dam that i had built around this whole thing, NOthing prepared me for this, after the first week with no breakdown i thought that i was going to be perfectly fine, but now i’m not and i don’t know how to be, now i’m angry and sad and confused. I know that it was the best decision to make, even if i had wanted the baby which i convinced myself i didn’t. There is no way i could have carried it to term, my doctor didn’t think i should try, said it was far to detrimental to my health, i already have a son anyways so can’t i just be happy about that, even if i never have another at least i was blessed enough to have one. I fear even trying ever again, i know that my body isn’t fully capable of sustaining a pregnancy. Knowing all of these things doesn’t change the way i feel, i killed my child, thats the bottom line, the harsh reality that i carry from day to day, the whisper in my ear that i cannot escape, how do i deal with this…