i have nothing now.

In 2007, I was nineteen years old. I had recently gotten back together with my high school sweetheart. A few months into the relationship, we found out that i was pregnant. I went to the health department and was told that I was eight weeks along.
I had never wanted children, not even when i got older. We had had the “what if you got pregnant” talk before and I always said I would get an abortion if that happened. But I didn’t honestly expect that to ever happen to me.
At that point in my life, I was attempting to go to the local community college, but partying seemed to be much more important to me. I drank, smoke, and did drugs. Neither my boyfriend or I had jobs, and we were living with my dad and stepmom at the time. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew what had to be done. But it was so much easier saying it when I didn’t think it would actually happen than to go through with it when I was actually in the situation.
Not only was i sure there would be something wrong with the baby after the mass amount of drugs and alcohol I had been consuming for years, there was no way we would even be able to afford to take care of it. I looked at having a child as the end of my life.
My boyfriends first reaction was that he supported me no matter what. So I made the arrangements. The clinic was an hour and a half away and the soonest they could get me in was weeks away. So I waited. Those were the worst weeks of my life. I stopped abusing drugs and alcohol but I stayed alone. I drove around by myself a lot, listening to music and sobbing. When my boyfriend was around I hated him for not understanding and I never wanted him to touch me.
Two days before the appointment, I came to pick my boyfriend up from a friend’s house. He got in my car and immediately told me that I was selfish because the only reason I wanted an abortion was because I didn’t want to stop partying. I told him to get out of my car, and he did. We didn’t speak for the next two days and on the morning of my appointment, he wouldn’t answer his phone. (I later found out he was actually at a party the night before and was still too drunk to answer his phone.)
An exboyfriend of mine, who I still had a lot of issues with ended up taking me to abort my actual boyfriend’s child.
For a few weeks after, I guess I was just in shock because I don’t remember being that upset. Then one night, it just hit me. And from that night until now, almost three years later, I can’t stop regretting it.
Now, I have lost my job, can’t afford to pay back the college I failed all of my classes at to be able to try to attend again, am broke, and feel like I cannot get close with people. I’m so distant with everyone. I have nothing. And if I had kept my baby, that would be something. I’d have something right now. And I even messed that up for myself.
The thing is, I live in a semi small town. I always spoke and still do speak my mind, and do my own thing. As a result, many people know me or of me here. And somehow I’ve gotten this reputation of being brutal or not caring, of not “having a heart” in a way. I’m not sure how this has happened, but even my friends joke about it. They don’t think anything can get to me or bother me. My friends don’t mean any harm by it, but the truth is, that’s not the case at all. I’m hurting so deeply, that I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to handle anything right now. None of them have ever seen me cry. I’m crying as I write this. I care so much, and I regret it so bad. I was on one of my social networking sites the other night, and someone anonymously asked me “do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you had kept your baby? do you even care?” I wanted to find that person, and tell them everything I’ve ever felt about the whole situation. Chances are, they’ve never been through anything like it. How dare they assume they know, or even think it’s appropriate to ask me something like that.
Also, once I had the abortion, the father started spreading terrible rumors. Not only was he telling people about the abortion in general (which I desperately wanted to keep secret), he told people untrue stories. He told people that I had never told him I was pregnant until I had already aborted it, or that the father was actually the exboyfriend who had taken me to the clinic and that I had cheated on him. He told so many people. So not only do most of the people my age in this town know about the most traumatic experience of my life, but then most of them think terrible stories are true of it too.
I am in a relationship with someone right now. When I finally trusted him enough to tell him about this (even though he probably had already heard the rumors) he didn’t even act like it was a big deal. I mean, he was trying to make me feel better. You know, saying that that would never change how he felt about me and that he didn’t care about the rumors. But at the same time, he acted like I shouldn’t feel anything about it anymore. I’m distant with him too. And I don’t necessarily want to be. But, I just can’t help it.
I’d give anything to go back and time and change what I did.
I would have a two year old right now. And even in these dark times, the worst of times, that I’m going through right now. I could hold him or her, and know that someone out there loved me no matter what and needed me and depended on me, and that I had atleast done something right.
Where do I go from here?