I had a baby… and now its gone <3

Ever since I was very young, I always wanted children. It has always felt like my calling to be a mother. I’ve dreamed about it, I live for it. I enjoy researching different motherhood topics from cloth diapering to natural labor and delivery, finances and budgeting to breast feeding vs formula, pregnancy stages to post pregnancy ailments. It intrigues me. However, being so young, I knew it was best to wait until I was in the right place in life to start actually having children. It never bothered me horribly much. As much as I wanted it, I also wanted what would be best for me and the baby. And being I’m only eighteen, I can’t provide the best life for a child.

My boyfriend knows all about my baby mania. Yet he’s still with me to this day, haha! He actually loves that about me, that I have such a passion for something. He loves children and he wants some one day too, even if he’s not as preoccupied with them as I am.

We’ve been dating a couple years now, and things have been going very well between the two of us. We decided we’d NTNP (not try, not prevent) for a baby. It made my life the day I got a positive HPT! I was in tears. I ran down to his house and we celebrated. I told my best friends and they treated me to a celebratory dinner. I told my manager at work and she was pretty excited as well. I even told my mother, which was a really big step for me. I started planning. I made doctors appointments, got prenatal vitamins, planned out an exercising routine, looked into my budget and started planning out all my savings. I even started talking names with my boyfriend, and we picked out both a girls and boys name we loved. And we bought a celebratory unisex onsie with little giraffe’s on it. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier, I felt like my life was suddenly so complete. Like all my dreams had come true. Like it was finally my turn for good things to happen to me, as many things throughout childhood were pretty negative.

Then it all stopped. I was at work and I started cramping really badly. Then I noticed I was bleeding. I called my mother in hysterics and she picked me up, called my doctor, and brought me in right away. It was all over, my baby was gone. I was miscarrying and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Now, I feel so broken. I’ve cried for almost a week now, and I just can’t believe this is happening. I know miscarriages are most common in the first trimester, and I was still pretty early along. But I still loved it, and I still had dreams for it. I wanted it so badly. I’ve been crying and crying and my boyfriend keeps saying we can have another. At first I was too upset and just wanted THIS baby, but now I’ve been clinging to the idea that I can have another. I feel terrible for wanting another one so badly. Its not that I want to replace the one I just lost, but I can’t explain it. I feel like I NEED to have a baby. I’ve wanted this for so long, and I’ve waited for so long. It was so much easier to say “I’ll just wait for when the time is perfect” before I had actually gotten pregnant. Now that I have, I feel like I’ve gone too far to just give up. I want this so badly. My situation isn’t perfect, but when is a situation ever? I guess I should put it that my situation isn’t ideal. I still live with my parents. I do have two jobs, but neither is enough to afford an apartment (especially if theres upcoming baby costs). My mum has already told me she’s okay with me having a baby in her house. She’s brought up on multiple occasions about me trying again.

No one around me seems to really be helping. I have a couple loved ones that really have… but my mother is making it much worse. She just keeps telling me how it was a living, breathing baby with a heartbeat. And how everythings not okay and how I’ll see it in heaven. She miscarried on her first baby so I guess she knows what I’m going through, but especially hearing about how it had a heartbeat and all the developmental progress it had really broke my heart. And my best friend just said “well, now you can focus on moving out without a baby in the way” which I know she meant well but it hurt still. What really killed me was my cousin, who told me that my miscarriage was “a blessing” because I’m not ready for kids. I just can’t believe she called my miscarriage a blessing. Granted she doesn’t know the real me very well, nor how much I wanted this baby. But that was beyond words.

I’m not going to let my decision to have another be based on anyone elses opinion but my boyfriends and mine. But especially someone so close to me, their thoughts to influence me. I do care. But this is our decision (with our being my boyfriend and I only). He’s already made it clear he’s okay with trying again whenever I’m ready (emotionally and physically). Though he was honest, and he’s scared of this all happening again. Its nice to hear that he’s scared as I am.

<3