i don’t think i know how to be happy..?

Alright, well. I don’t know where to begin.

Well, probably the two most prominent and serious relationships I have been in were both abusive. The first time, I was only 15 and he was 17. It wasn’t really huge stuff, just a lot of mind control nonsense and guilt tripping and emotional abuse. However, ever since then I feel like I’ve been kind of “damaged”, if you will, when it comes to relationships. After that relationship, which lasted about 9 months, I dated around, met some really nice guys but I just couldn’t bring myself to feel anything real toward them. When it came to boys, I just kind of felt frozen and turned off by any sort of romantic affection. For awhile I actually thought it was because I was a lesbian but, as it turns out, that was definitely not the case. Awhile back, shortly after I turned 17, I met an older man who seemed nice enough, we got to talking, and eventually a relationship evolved. Within the first month of it, things went sour. I don’t really feel the need to get into details but it was a very low, confusing point in my life. The relationship was just very controlling and physically/emotionally abusive. But, of course, I was “so in love”, so I dealt with it for a good while. Finally, this past July, I got up the courage and the strength to push him out of my life completely. It was a really ugly scene, but I got through it and I am immensely better off in doing so.

But. I still just…don’t feel right. Ever since the sting of my first “real relationship” at 15, I’ve just felt so detached when it comes to dating, love, etc.No matter how nice of a guy I found, I would always find some reason to break off the relationship. Or I would purposely start arguments, be defensive and unreasonable, and wreck the relationship intentionally. It was getting to the point where I thought I was a freak of nature. Holding hands, touching, kissing, etc. did absolutely nothing for me. It just felt weird and boring. None of my friends could understand why I didn’t enjoy things like this. I didn’t understand it either. In any case, it was just something I had gotten used to, until in early September I met someone…and literally everything changed. It started off so random and innocent, it’s kind of amazing to think about it now. I met a boy and we started to talk, we talked quite a bit actually. We met up a few times, hung out, flirted, you know how it goes haha, and then one night he kissed me. And I felt something. It wasn’t like a movie, fireworks shooting off in the distance or anything like that. It just felt like, “Yes. Okay. This is right. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” Since then, this boy and I have been a couple. However, from then on it certainly wasn’t a happily ever after.

I’m still doing the same things I always do. I’m irrational and obsessive. Constantly paranoid, insecure and unsure of myself. He makes me so happy but at the same time he drives me insane. He works a lot and usually in his free time just wants to hang out with his friends, which is fine. He finds time for me when I ask, he’s never mean or rude or anything like that at all. It’s just that…I’m having a really hard time adjusting to a relationship like this. The feelings I have for him are completely new to me. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone. It’s exciting, but more so it’s terrifying. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m just afraid of everything. Afraid of making him angry, of not being good enough, of him finding someone better, someone less crazy, less f’d up in the head. And well, if it’s not TMI, he’s way more experienced than I am when it comes to …sexual matters. He respects me and never pushes me into anything, but I mean, we have *ahem* fooled around, I suppose that’s the most appropriate way of putting it, and he’s my first everything. I’m not his first anything. So to him, it’s not so much a big deal, but to me it’s a huge deal. I’ve never trusted anyone, especially a boy, enough to do anything like that with them. As a result of this, I’ve become somewhat obsessive. And clingy. And I don’t know how to stop being this way. I think about him way too much. All I want to do all day is talk to him or be with him, and when I can’t do either of those things I just get this deep, bitter pain in my stomach that weighs me down and makes me feel hollow. Dramatic, I know. He’s a very mellow, passive, go with the flow kinda guy and I know he’s not meaning to upset me with his customary flippant personality, but as insecure and damaged as I feel, it really does get to me. He’s very sweet and genuine, and I know deep down, logically, he does care about me, but my emotions and frazzled brain can’t seem to keep believing it. I don’t know how to tell him any of this without sounding crazier than I already am. I don’t want to come on too strong and sound pushy/clingy and then have him not want to be with me at all. Basically, I’m just at a huge loss here. I’m sorry this turned out so long but I literally don’t have anyone to talk to this kind of stuff about. To anyone who actually read this, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.