I chose abortion once, I chose life twice

Just sitting here thinking of what to say. It is hard to know where to start.
I recently had a medical abortion. This is after I was convinced to be Pro-Life for years. This after all I KNOW about abortion. This is after choosing life by having my other two children as a single mom (well, with the second child I was with my fiance for the pregnancy before he left when our daughter was 5 months old). This after becoming a Christian & KNOWING what I did was wrong.
I still do not understand why I did what I did. I am a member of Stand Up Girl after all. It is unthinkable, right? How can someone do what I did.
All I can say is, until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you just cannot possibly know what they are going through. I had several reasons, including my health & my other two children, for doing what I did. None of them seem important now. I know I made the wrong choice. I know I got scared and I was feeling overwhelming stress & fear. I know that I had to answer to God for what I did.
But I also believe in a loving & forgiving God. I also believe that He is with me now, and I feel He might even be saying to me "Just because you did this doesn’t mean that choosing to keep the other two doesn’t matter." I am trying to focus on my children, who need me so much, and get back to my life.
But I will leave you with this – if you think you are the "exception" to the rule, and that you can "handle" an abortion, and that you "would never" do such a thing, and that people who do such a thing are horrible – think again. Because you just don’t know what journey you will walk. I don’t know why I made the choices I made, and I am suffering for them even though I know that I don’t have to. I know that God has forgiven me. It is still a suffering, it is still a loss, and even though I was only 6 weeks along with no heartbeat – it was still a human life.
Maybe going through this experience has made me realize that. God uses bad things in your life and turns them into good – well, I believe somehow he can use the experience I just went through and turn into something good. I also know that he loves me, and he loves all women having to face this decision. He loves women struggling with young children and no husbands. I think we have to support & love people, no matter what they have done wrong. I think Jesus would be here with me, and love and support me even though what I have done would make Him very sad.
Only God knows what is in my heart, and knows why I made the choice that I made. I know I thought I was making the best decision I could make at the time. I was on the pill for 4 years and got pregnant anyway – it is when you are faced with something so totally unexpected that your faith is put on the line. Mine wasn’t strong enough this time. I hope there won’t be a next time, but no matter what comes along I know my faith will be stronger next time. Maybe that’s why I am going through this trauma. I don’t know why. I don’t have all the answers.
But I still need your love, support, and prayers to get through this. And I hope you will not think that my testimony on SUG is worthless just because of this one thing that I did – I still chose life for my two children & I am very proud of what I did, bring them up all by myself. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone stumbles. We are all human.
I just wanted to share.