i am very nervous and i do not know how to deal

let me start at the beginning (this is gonna be pretty long, sorry). i am now 23 years old.

when i was 17 i met this guy and of course since in my eyes i ould not get pregnant i wan’t careful at all, stupid i know, but i don’t regret it now. i was staying with my sister at that time, by choice, i had an alcoholic father and my mother and i were not getting along. the guy i met, jason, was my sister’s friend’s cousin and he lived about an hour from me so my sister let him stay at her place too. things started happening and 2 months later i found out i was pregnant, the doctor said that i was about 2 months along, weird i had not been with anyone for a long time before jason, but i was young and dumb when i met him. i later on dropped out of high school and moved to his hometown, away from my family and everyone i had ever known. he was so excited and i guess i was too once i got used to it. my son, jason jr (jj) was born on april 10, 2003. i had to have an emergency c-section after 39 1/2 hours of labor. his heartrate kept dropping and from what i was told we allmost lost him. everything was so great after that. i was very routine, the house was allways clean and jj was allways taken care of by me because that is how i wanted it. when jj was 19 months old he was diagnosed with type 1 juvenille diabetes we spent 8 days in the hospital and got out on thanksgiving day. it seems like everything went downhill from there. his father then became abusive towards me and cheating on me with a teenage girl. i dealt with it all for 3 years on my own. when i left jason it was hard at first, my son was still in speech therepy (he sis not start talking until he was allmost 1 1/2) and another therepy, but hte name of it escapes me. i had no where to go though, my mom and dad’s house was full and my middle sister, christy, is not the cleanest person when it comes to a household, i can’t even count the times my son found candy laying around or stuck to the floor while i was visiting her. but christy had a good friend, ed, who lived right down the road, he was 35 and had just gotten thour a divorce. he took me in immediately, and since i was not working he payed for everything and took my son and i wherever we needed or wanted to go. it was a major change from what we were used to, his father was the one with the car so we were allways stuck stranded with no phone, but we survived. over about a months time ed and i started developing both a caring and sexual relationship, did not mean for it to happen, but it did, and we are both still very happy. finally we were one big happy family, ed, me, jj, ed’s daughter who is now 17, and his son who is now 16. five people living under one roof, a big family like i allways wanted, but then jj got worse. he spent a week in the hospital sfter losing 20 pounds in on e week, my poor child who was only 3 weighed just 25 pounds. i lost it, i got very sick even after he recovered. i was then diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder and hospitalized for a week in the psych ward. a couple months later before ed’s 36 birthday he had a massive heart attack and and allmost did not make it, but a week and 3 stints later he was back home. everything started doingok again, until jj stabbed our 1 year old boxer puppy with a steak knife on thanksgiving day. i was lost, my innocent child, why? at that point in time i knew i could not do it anymore. jj went to live with my eldest sister misty on christmas day 2006. after that i decided i needed to continue trying to better my mental health and myself, but it felt a lot harder once he was gone. i made the hard decision july of 2007 on wether or not to leave everything behind and move from ohio to north carolina, i was not able to see my son at the time because the last time i did jj caught my sister’s four goldfish out of the tanka nd smashed them, when he was asked why he did it he said he was mad and he wanted them to die. he was only four years old at that time, so to avoid the pain for both of us i left. it was and still is the hardest decision i have ever made, but he is doing well despite everything he goes through. since i left he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, defiant behavioral disorder, and he will be seeing an orthopedic surgeon tommorrow regarding the fluid leaking out of his joints causing large painful cysts. he has been through hell and back and he still wears a smile. about a month ago his was put into summer school to try to advance him from a special school to regular kindergaten, about a week through he beat up his teacher at only five years old. the school let him return but said that he will not be advancing, when he went back it happened again. at that point in time he was kicked out and had to go to daytime bootcamp for “bad kids” for two weeks. this is where my next issue lies. about 3 weeks ago i started feeling very weird and it hit me, i was pregnant. i took a test on tuesday this week to confirm it, and i had immediate positive results on all three (i had to be sure). i was so careful though and ed was about o make the appointment for his visectomy because we both decided that it would be a major mistake with all the health issues that my son and i have and his heart attack. so it happened, i heard the word abortion, but i had allready told my mother and she is very against abortion. so we talked about adoption, but i can’t handle the emotions, last night i actually broke ed’s windsheild because i was mad that i had a hard time opening the glove box. so finally we sat down and talked about everything the pros and cons and whether or not i would have to go through it alone. he is completey understnading and also said that we could try keeping it, but we both allready know we cannot handle it. we can’t even handle the ones that we have, that’s why they don’t live with us, so it would not even be fair to them, mor elike what, a replacement? so i have to call the doctor tommorrow and set up an appointment, he will be taking off work for everyvisit until the procedure is done, and i know with everything we have been through that we can get through this too, but i don’t know if i can. i know i have to and that was my decision, but what will i be like after, will i constantly ask myself what if? trust me, i am not for abortion,but i am not willing to take the chance of seeing another innocent child lik emy son suffer because of illness, plus with ed’s age (38), that can’t be healthy at all and my child would have to go without his father when ed’s health finally catches up to him (he has had 2 minor heart attacks since the first one)…. so please do not judge me, but let me know what to expect so i can be a little more prepared