He’s gone :(

Hey there, I am so sorry for your loss, I myself have been though tragic loss as well and it is a huge shock and adjustment. When it comes to the guilt it is easy to tell someone "you don’t have to feel guilty" I know that it is not that easy, I know what it is like to feel guilt over past what ifs that can never be changed. If it gives you any encouragement I have found a lot of healing and I no longer carry the guilt with me, even if there has been fault in the past there is nothing to do to change it so at some point it just needs to be let go of…on the same note I have also learned some hard lessons on making sudden life changing decisions while in the midst of trauma and grief, that can be disastrous…my mom killed herself almost 7 years ago, she left a note for me and my sister telling us to take all of her money out of her bank account with the atm card, we could only take so much out per day so it took about two weeks to clear it out, we spent over 30 thousand dollars in about 3 months time, we ate like kings at the nicest restaurants, we went major shopping for just junk, we had so many presents under the Christmas tree you could hardly tell there was a tree, all I have to show for it is a stand up freezer…all the clothes are gone and everything else…we could have bought a brand new car or even two then, one of us could have taken the money and put a down payment on another house and we wouldn’t have had to sell the one we had to go separate ways, we could have invested in a money market, so many other things…we just did what felt best and it was really dumb…my sister and I were pregnant at the same time, a month before my mom died her fiance died, my sister got an abortion so that "she could be there for my mom in her time of grief" She got the abortion just about 2 weeks before my mom died, when my mo died her reason for the abortion died too, my sister made a drastic life changing decision based on grief and trauma and she went through the grief of my moms fiances death followed by the death of her child at her own hand followed by the death of my mom and had to watch my belly grow week by week, it ate her up really bad, after I had my daughter she would not let her two kids be around us, she kept telling them that they would get their own baby and to leave me and my perfect baby alone in a really mean and resentful way, when my daughter was 2 1/2 months old she got together with her ex and planned a baby without him knowing, they broke up and he left before she even knew she was pregnant, she already had two on her own and then found out that she was expecting again…she kept him but was sent into an even more depressive state, her life changing decisions made in haste during trauma and grief were not working how she planned for them to, since that time I have made many changes with well thought out reasons behind them and she has continued to make spur of the moment choices…she has also had another abortion, gotten her tubes tied, married a man she knew for less than 4 months, sent her kids back and forth between her and the dads many times, and is on the verge of divorce because she is still so unstable and her husbands parents want grandkids and she cannot give them to them, she got her tubes tied rather than not having sex until she was married, she is a mess and just this week I went to pick up my 11 year old niece who she was about to give up to the state to come and live with us, I tell you all of this to let you know the consequences of life changing decisions based on guilt, trauma, and grief….switching careers, changing schools, getting married to someone you do not know very well, planning a baby, buying or selling property, making major purchases of any sorts, getting tattoos or altering your body in any physical way and any other drastic thing should be avoided while in these times of shock, trauma, grief or guilt…trust me, I have been there and I wish that all I got was the shirt but I got so much more that I wish I didn’t have or still had, and as for my sister she is living with life long consequences that are not only affecting her but everyone she comes in contact with not to mention her kids…she is almost 3 years older than me and I am now raising her 11 year old daughter at the ripe age of 26…Think long and hard about your decisions, what seems best right now may be the beginning of life long damage…just hold off a little longer, let your relationship stand the test of time, then plan a wedding then once the I DO’S are official then plan the baby…please please please…I am here anytime you want to talk or have any questions, my life is an open book and I will share anything to help prevent someone else going through the same things…Lots of love and hugs and prayers in your time of hurt and confusion…Meg, meg@standupgirl.com