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Anonymous
my name is amanda and i am 17 years old. i had have a daughter who is
now 13 months. my boyfriend of almost 3 years and i gave her up for
adoption. we have seen her 3 times since she was born and i miss her
dearly. now, being that i cannot mother her, i have horrible baby "pains." it
is all i think about. i want another baby so badly. i do not regret
giving up our daughter because at the time and being soo young i know it
was the best thing. now that i am older, and after having the baby, my
marernal instincts have kicked in. it hurts to see other teen moms who
keep their babies and are successfull and happy. i am doing great in
school as well as my boyfriend and we both have jobs. i have raised my two nephews who live with me and my mom so i know the responsibilty and demands of being a mother. my boyfriend however, is not ready for another baby. in fact, he will not talk to me about it at all. he cuts the conversation short by saying "well i am not ready for another baby and i don’t think you are either." but then when we are just having casual conversation about our future he always tal!ks about having kids again. there is nothing that i want more than having another baby. my question is how do i deal with baby
pains and how do i get my boyfriend to understand what i am going through?
your reply is greatly appreciated. thank youKit
Amanda,
I understand how you feel like you want another baby since you gave your daughter up for adoption and do not get a chance to see her everyday. I think you made a very loving and good choice with the adoption, but I understand how difficult it must be.
It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive boyfriend who cares quite a bit about you. I would focus on school, your job, and on your relationship with him. It sounds like he is thinking about eventually possibly marriage and long term future plans with you. I would listen to him about waiting to try to have another baby. I would wait a few years until you are both out of high school and are both a little older. It sounds like he will make a great husband and dad and you both already are good parents to your little girl. I would try to see your daughter more if possible and spend time with your nephews or other children. There is still plenty of time in the future for you to have children. However be open and honest about communicating your feelings with your boyfreind. Communication is essential in any strong and healthy relationship. Best wishes.
Kate
I know where you are coming from. Even though I decided to keep my daughter watching her grow up makes me want to have another baby to raise. I miss my birth control pills alot and I think its because subconsciously I want to get pregnant again. This drives my boyfriend nuts. Honestly, the best thing I can tell you is just keep the longings to yourself and DON’T give in. The best advice I heard was that to every mother, no matter their age, there is always a baby that was never born. Everyone has these longings no matter how many children they have had. That doesn’t mean you should have another child though. I’m almost 21 and I know that I couldn’t give another child ballet classes, karate classes, or whatever. At 17 I can’t imagine the challenge. Just try to remind yourself that you want to have a life yourself before you create another life. Keep us posted!!! Best wishes.
SaraDO NOT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i did and here i sit at 15 years old with 3 kids. plus if your boy dont want kids then he’ll cop out and then you shall be a single mom. i have my boy’s full suport and it is still hard to raise my kids. I REPEAT: DO NTO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nolals
Hey Amanda………..I know you wrote your letter here in October, like the 24th? But I’m new here and I have been reading the forums. Girl……..let me tell you…….something I could see in your letter about having adopted out your daughter and wish to have more children with your "boyfriend". You talked about how grown-up responsible you are, as in raising your neice and nephew and helping your mom…….wow. But may I say something?? "Boyfriend" is, like, "teen-age" stuff? "Husband"………now THAT’S grown up!! And you guys were talking about your future? And him telling you he does want children, but not right now? Well……..YOU GUYS ARE IN your future right now! You are MAKING your future right now. A loving, secure relationship needs the committment of marriage. Husband, so much more grown-up sounding than "boyfriend". I believe you both love each other very much, and it took ALOT of courage, not to mention the LOVE you felt for your baby, to give her a good home, where she would get everything she needed for a secure life. I wish you guys the best………..but think about the marriage thing. My gosh, what more could you want? Ya got EACH OTHER!!! Nola
nola~thanks for the message. it’s nice to hear from someone who isn’t stereotypical. yes my boyfriend and i have been talking about marriage. we just feel we are too young and yes that means too young to have another baby right now. he sent me pictures of rings the other day and i think he is thinking seriously about it. i am excited to start a new life with him including more children but i understand that i should wait until we are married and have our own place. it’s just hard handling wanting a baby so badly. thank you for your support.
Post edited by: Julie, at: 2005/11/08 00:44
Manda: You know, my now-17 yr old daughter, Heather, has our beautiful 5-mo. old Adriana Paige, she decided to keep the baby. She was 16 when she got preggies. I was so torn………wanting another grandchild but ALSO looking at that baby’s future with a mom so young, and NOT wanting my help. I didn’t "throw her out"……in fact, offered mega-support. And told her to think very, very deeply about the option of adoption. This is coming from a mom who became orphaned along with my bro. and sis, our mom killed herself at 32 yrs. old, my dad had died the previous year………back when I was 6 yrs. old.
I KNOW that the people out there who so desperately WANT a child are blessed by those who are SO BRAVE, and LOVE their babies ENOUGH to assure them a good, secure home. That’s what YOU’ve done. I’m afraid Heather thinks no one but HER could ever love Adriana. And let’s face it: it’s darn hard work to let go of someone who was so intimately a part of you for 9 mos.
I know where you’re coming from. I try as much as possible to help Heather, and yet not give her a "free ride" as in when she and Josh want to go party or stuff like that. I told her I won’t assist in her bad choices. THAT even hurts, cuz I know she needs to get out…….but she needs to make good choices in where she goes and what she does, ya know?
I’m behind you 100% either way yu had chosen. AND the desire for more babies could also be the "hormone" thing….you feel "empty". There isn’t a little life inside you. Just BE PATIENT. Get in a support group for people who have chosen adoption. Support each other in your grieving…….because that’s what you also are going through!!! I support you, hon. Love, Nolayou could do one of two things. you could either learn to deal with those pains, untill your boyfriend is ready for a child. or you can sit him down and have a long serious chat with him and tell him how you feel, and make sure you listen to how he feels.
It must be extremly difficult dealing with giving a baby up for adoption. My older sister did it too. But I don’t think we are ever prepered for having a child. raising a child for the first time, is different at every stage, you are always coping with new things and new situations. I know that you want a baby right now so bad. Waiting until both of you are ready is so much better. Hey, Im 22 years old with a two year old, and it’s hard. Yes, I have a job and so does his father, we live together, and everything is pritty much stable. But there are other things that are difficult too. Enjoy your teenage years. Have a prom, go to college, get married,buy a house, all these things are things you can expirence now. It is much more difficult with a child. I gave everything up for my son, I love him so dearly and I would never regret him. There are so many things that I missed out on. You have PLENTY of time to have a child and raise him/her. Maybe you are just wishing you had a baby to raise now because you wish you could have raised your daughter, and you feel like you are missing out on that. 17 is still young. I was 19 and still wasn’t ready…. I hope you can wait.
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