He Says…

I was talking to my boyfriend this morning- like i do all the time. This time was a little different, a lot different.

He says he wants his children to call me mummy. He says he cant wait to start a family with me. He says together forever. He says he will never leave me. He says he doesnt want to get me pregnant just for my mum to force me into another abortion. But he says he wants to start a family with me more than anything.

He says im not the same. He says when we got together i was so happy, outgoing, always going out- never spent a day in. He says when i discovered i was pregnant i was over the moon, he says hes never seen me happier. He says now im always down, im always sad, i never want to go out, i pushed myself away from my friends, i wont get close to the girls at college. He says he misses the old me, the fun me.

For a brief moment i saw what im turning into from an outside view. Im isolating myself from everyone, everything except Ryan. Im trying to pull him closer, begging him never to leave me. What am i doing?!

He says he thinks i might be depressed. I asked him what i should do. He said its up to me.

But how am i meant to know what to do? I was going to see a counsellor but now i dont want to- i dont want to pour my heart out to someone for them to judge me.

I dont want to go to the doctors, incase they say I am depressed.

I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. But at the same time i want to be the girl that Ryan fell in love with, the happy, outgoing girl that has disappeared and no matter how much i search for her i cant find her. She has gone. But where?! Surely she has to be here somewhere?