Hard Choices ~ yet again

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      Hi all,

      Im reaching out to someone/anyone, to gain a bit of insight. Yesterday I discovered that I am yet again pregnant.My story is as follows. I am currently married and have 4 beautiful kids the youngest of which is only 8 months. In addition to being a full time mom, I also work approx. 30+ hours a week, and am a full time student in a doctorate program. My life is majorly hectic right now. At anyrate I have been through the emotional pain of an abortion before and stated that I’d never do that again. Never say never i guess b/c I am yet again contemplating doing it yet again.

      By my estimations I must only be about 3-4 weeks along b/c I had an ultrasound about a month ago for a mass that the drs. found in my uterus, and they did not see anything. I’m not sure how far i am into this as ever since the birth of my youngest and the administration of the Depo shot, I have been bleeding continuously for like the last 5 months. Long story short, Dr. said it was an adverse reaction to the shot. I went off the shot in June and since had not been on any kind of BC because my Dr. wanted to "see if things would adjust themselves" b/f putting me back on BC.

      At anyrate, Here i am again. Confused and conflicted. I know that having another baby right now is just not doable. There are serious child care issues, the completion of my Doctorate degree (im already behind from the birth of the last baby), and our familys would totally disown us. Did i mention, last week my husband got a vesectomy? Thats right. he stated he wanted no more babies. Guess this one just slipped in at the right time. Anyway so now im also dealing with the delima that to abort this child means for sure no more biological kids with my husband.

      I only have 2 options… Birth this child, or abort (I could never see myself giving a child up for adoption, esp having 4 other kids.)

      I feel like I know what I have to do, but at the same time know the emotional mess that will lie ahead. Any comments or suggesting would be greatly appreciated. :unsure:


        Hi. Yes, you’ve certainly got some huge issues to face, either way you choose. Since you asked…I would encourage you in this: you’re married and if you’ve already got 4 kids, it doesn’t sound likely that your husband will leave you over one more. He sounds like a family man and that’s a pretty good kind to have. He may be upset at first, but he sounds like the type that would come around. I would think same with your family. But aren’t most families way more judgemental than they should be? Your 5th baby would be so blessed having older siblings. And you’ve obviously got a lot going for you if you’re working on your doctorate. I’m SURE you’ve thought of all this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else: It just seems that the future implications that could come in choosing to abort this child (like mommy guilt that you would never get over, problems between you and your husband that could brew, anger from your other children if they find out they had another brother/sister) would weigh much worse than the immense blessings that could come by having another baby in the house! Life can wait. Make room for another child. You already know it’s a beautiful thing.

        Post edited by: acas, at: 2006/09/15 12:55


          One more thought…I went back and read your post again…if this baby "snuck" into this world before your husband’s vasectomy…well, it just seems to me this little guy was meant to be! I think that fact alone seems a pretty powerful statment for you to choose birth!

          Post edited by: acas, at: 2006/09/15 12:56


            thanks soo much for your imput. I know the timing seems really wierd. I"ve been all over this board reading the post of others and its just like i just dont know what to do. Im 29 with 4 kids already. We’ve been married for 8 years and all my kids are by him. After my husbands proceedure i joked with him that wouldnt it be funny if i were already knocked up. Little did I know. Plus he wanted the proceedure done, NOT me. I was adament that we may want one more child later on in life. The key is later on… not now.

            Life is a beautiful thing. I have 4 cuties to prove that. However, the issues are just complex. We’ve already outgrown our home,and are in the process of selling it. I’m paying for private school for our oldest 2, theres my tuition for school, and seeing how our kids have never been to daycare (the grandparents have always watched them) We have been told specifically that NO MORE BABIES will be watched/cared for which would mean daycare for the littlest or changing our schedules yet again. i’m just like auggghhh. I feel as if i’m one of the most fertile people on the planet and always at the wrong times. Dont get me wrong. I do appreciate that i have no problems having babies (no problem pregs. and the last baby came in 1 hour from start to finish) but it seems as if i’m just self-sabatoging. I have got to complete this degree. Im just torn.


              Hi — I’m not sure where to begin except to tell you a bit about who I am.

              I’m 39, raising 8 kids and expecting another in January. When I was your age, I’d had five children (lost 2 – miscarriage). We were renting a small 3 bedroom townhouse and my husband worked at home.

              Our third child Simon, was born with a rare syndrome which meant he needed constant watching and a lot of time spent helping him to learn very basic things.

              My husband and I decided that we would accept our children as they came and would do our best to raise them well. So "many" times I would think — how am I ever going to manage one more? But so often at the end of the nine months I was much better prepared and was able to go on. Nine months is a long time and our circumstances change so quickly.

              Three years ago I’d just had my 8th. The kids at home were coming down with chicken pox and I was very tired. We were concerned for Simon because we knew he would have the worst time of it – but we had no idea really. When Simon came down with fever we thought – so it begins. Two days later, when our baby was only 2 weeks old, Simon died. He was eight then. I thought I would die too. I thought there was no way I could handle so much at once.

              Giving life to a child is painful, raising them is difficult, losing one is more painful – more difficult. But there is a lot more to people than we think. We can handle a lot more if we just try.

              From the way you write it sounds like you know what you want to do but you’re afraid. Fear should never keep us from doing what good we can. You are a strong person. Stronger and smarter than I am. Look at what you’re doing already.

              Take courage. Tell your husband what you’re going through. Tell him what you want and why. He deserves the chance to support you. Above everything else you must stand up for what you know in your heart is best for yourself and your family.


              Post edited by: acas, at: 2006/09/15 18:15


                whoah. I thought i had a lot to deal with. ill be raising my baby at 17yrs old. But the catch is, i’ll be doing it with only one arm. i was in a car accident and lost mobility in my left arm and the day i found out i was prego was the day i was supposed to get #1 of 2 surgerys. They basically said, "your arm or the child" and i chose the child. i dont believe in abortion at all. Im gonna try the surgery when my son is born but theres an 85% chance that it wont work. I mean, its hard enough raising a child as a teenager with two arms let alone one. How old were you when you had your children?


                  hey sweetie!
                  i got your message about my damien’s picture- thanx for the compliment!
                  as for how did i do it? i’m still doing it, and i had and have my family and my church to support me… i could never have done it alone!
                  please mail me (my email is on my profile) if you’d like to chat or ask me anything! i’d love to help you if i can!


                    Hi there,

                    In response to your question of how old i was with the first I was 18 (well 2 months away from my 19 birthday. After that I was 22, 25, and 27 when the others followed along. I am sending you hugs and lots of support for what you are about to embark upon. I have been sooo incredibly blessed in that when i got pregnant the first time I had a wonderfully supportive family who stepped up and helped me tremendously ( although you can imagine that they were not at all thrilled and it took them awhile to stop blaming my then boyfriend ~ now husband.) I was able to finish College in 4 years and on time, Do a masters program, and now am in a doctorate program. All with kids. I guess thats why now i’m sitting here dealing with the complex issues of "damn, i’m pregnant yet again." I could see the finish line as far as school, but now things are soooo incredibly cloudy. Its funny b/c out of all my kids only 1 was planned. The rest just kind of snuck in. (I’m that 1% they warn you about when on BC 🙂 ) At anyrate, I’m still debating. I know how i feel in my heart, however, sometimes you have to think with your head and do whats best for all involved ~ which would include my husband, kids, and the grandparents who watch our littlest two.)

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