guilt.

Im really sorry for your loss. I hope that you feel better soon. God bless

I went through something very similar in Spring of 07, I was on birth control pills because my husband and I wanted to wait until we had been married for a year before trying for a baby. I felt a UTI coming on like the last Friday of January and within 48 hours I was hospitalized with a horrible kidney infection and it was so bad they almost cut me open to take my appendix but the antibiotics kicked in just in time. Even though they had my husband bring my birth control pills to the hospital so that I could take them on time they didn’t tell me the chances of my birth control failing because of the antibiotics. I was on IV antibiotics for 24 hours, then they sent me home with another 10 days worth of heavy duty antibiotics, never telling me to use a back up form of birth control. I only found out later that up to 10 days AFTER your last dose of antibiotics your birth control may not work. My "period" in February was 3 days and very light and was even 3 days late, I thought nothing of it, then I started getting sick and having a hard time keeping up with house work and getting out of bed before 10 am, I even threw up a few times and was eating mass quantities of green olives and banana splits…mmmmm…then March came around and I was 3 days late, we were at a friends house and I was getting horrible abdominal pain, I literally hit the floor and laid on my side crying for about a half an hour before I was able to even talk and describe my pain, I kept telling my husband that if I went unconscious that I have history of tubal pregnancy in my family…the next day I started bleeding and it was HEAVY, we were working on our house and did not have a toilet that worked so I slipped into the other room to change out my pad and tampon and I used baby wipes to clean up, there was a very large "clot" like I had never seen before during a heavy cycle and it was no the only one, just the biggest, I felt crazy, I had taken a test and it was negative so I just couldn’t understand what was going on with my body, I went and got another test and it was negative and then I talked to a midwife friend….she told me that the birth control I was on wouldn’t have caused a miscarriage if I got pregnant but I couldn’t figure anything out, when April came around I was 4 days late and finally went to get a blood test but it was negative and they told me that if I really had miscarried the month before that it was too late to find out if I was pregnant so to just move on basically…I felt like a crazy woman and my hormones were so out of whack, but I am 99.9999% sure I miscarried, I gained weight, my breast had gotten way bigger, the cravings the feeling sick, the large clots after a late, light, "period", it just makes sense…I started doing more and more research on the kind of birth control I was on and come to find out one of the ways that my specific pills worked was that if the egg was released and became fertilized that the chemical reaction that would happen would cause for my lining to be flushed, in other words the kind I was on was an abortificant and I had no previous knowledge of it, by the time I found out it was August and I stopped taking it immediately, I am now 36 weeks pregnant and I am getting my tubes tied so that I do not have to go back on birth control, I am still so shaken up over what happened and I have had a hard time holding other peoples babies since then and I hope that my baby that I am due to have any time will help reverse that, you don’t have to feel guilty, it may have been the birth control, it may have just been your body or your babies lack of ability to thrive but what you can do now is investigate the kind of birth control you are on and make sure that it is not the kind that will not allow implantation to occur, also if you are not married yet you might take the time to plan your wedding first and get all those things out of the way so that when it is time to have a baby your ducks will all be in a row and it will be more enjoyable for you…I am really sorry for your loss and I am here to talk any time, just please don’t hang on to the guilt, the sorrow and confusion is enough to have on your shoulders but guilt can be put to the side, just hang in there and know that you will have your chance again one day…Love Meg