Girls, help…

My story goes back three and a half years ago.. When I was faced with the decision to keep or abort my baby. To be honest, that time period for me was such an emotional roller-coaster ride. It all happened so fast.. I wanted to keep my baby but before I knew it.. I was curled up in a ball crying my heart out after I had done the abortion procedure. I never realized how much of an impact it would have on me. Everyday, I am faced with regret and guilt. I loved her so much.. I remember feeling her kick for the first time. And singing to her as I locked myself in my room crying and telling her I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. I would take my headphones and place them on my belly so she could hear the music too. I would talk to her every day and we’d even go for walks. I’d tell her everything I was seeing and that she’d be seeing soon too. The night of the procedure.. My partner ended up leaving me at home by myself to go out and party.. As if he was celebrating the death of our unborn baby…

You would probably think I left him after that incident.. But he and I were always on and off. He’d love me one day, and the next would want nothing to do from me. I was longing for love from someone who I thought that cared. I never got it… 3 years later I decided to move away from home so I can pursue a career after getting my education. I realized that I spent too much time not caring for life after everything I had done and wanted to change it. I split up with my partner because when he found our I was moving to another city.. He started to pursue another relationship with a new girl. The only reason I found out about it was because she felt guilty and admitted everything to me one night at the bar. (We arranged a meeting.) So I moved away. Did half a semester in this new place, grades averaging A+ and came back for the summer to visit my family.

I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to my ex, but after two weeks of being there, I found myself drunk and at his house. Of course.. He took me to the lake that weekend and we made love on the beach. We were bonding so well.. It was the feeling I always longed for. We were with his family. We brought our puppy, Dragon with us. (Although she lives with me.) It was great. We took her for a walk and laid at the beach that night watching the stars, listening to the waves crash onto shore and wishing on shooting stars. I couldn’t ask for anything more…

A few weeks later.. I noticed my period was late. I’m not sure if anyone can vouch for me, but when you’re pregnant, you know I am. Not just because of the morning sickness.. But I can feel the changes in my body.. My boobs were beginning to grow, I was always tired, my sense of smell was heightened. So I made an appointment to the doctor to take a pregnancy test, only to confirm my pregnancy. I was shocked. Happy yet scared at the same time. I was pregnant for the second time, with the same man who tortured me during my first pregnancy. How was he going to deal with this? Was I going to have to relive all that trauma? I went home, laid in bed, placed my hands on my belly and smiled. It was as if everything I was missing was back again. Like nothing even happened.. I was back in that place.

The next day, I met my partner after his shift and told him the news. He was speechless, but nonetheless, he told me he would support my decision this time around and wouldn’t make me go through anything I didn’t want to do. The issue at hand this time around was the idea that I was just starting to get my life cleaned up.. I wasn’t living at home. I was living in another city. Miles away. I knew in the back of my head I didn’t want to make that decision again, so I went back to the doctors and made an ultrasound appointment and had my blood work done. I went alone, on my partner’s birthday. Baby was 8 weeks old that day. I was two months pregnant. I was leaving to go back to school the next week. I didn’t know what to do.

Everyday for the next few days, I went for walks all over the neighborhood to get my mind off everything. I’d be gone for hours at a time. My parents would often get mad at me for being out so late, but I think they knew something was going on, even though I denied everything. This was something my partner and I had to deal with ourselves, without anyone else.

I called an abortion clinic and made an appointment that upcoming Friday. Although I was still indecisive of my decision, I knew the counselors would give me time to rethink my decision before following through with anything. My partner came with me. I couldn’t stop crying the moment we arrived in the parking lot. He tried to comfort me but I kept pushing him away. I didn’t want to feel comfort. I didn’t want to feel anything. We were already there.. Might as well do it. Everyone looked at me when I walked in. The room was silent. And there was me.. Crying.. I couldn’t even read the procedure papers, my eyes were completely filled with tears. Within a few minutes, I was called in. Just like that. No time at all. The counselor I was with didn’t even mention why I was sad. I felt no emotional connection whatsoever. But I guess that was good in the sense that I already seemed to have made up my mine.

The other women waiting to get the procedure done seemed as if nothing was phasing them, yet I felt such a burden waiting to happen. I cried and cried. They called me in. I cried and cried some more. They had me lay on the bed. I cried and cried and cried.. Those noises play back in my head so vividly it disgusts me. But it was done. I killed my second child. On my own freewill. My partner took me home and I asked him to find me drugs. As many drugs as he could get his hands on. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to forget about everything. I got so high out of my mind. I’ve never been that high before…..

Everyday after that, I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad, yet I wasn’t happy. I pretended like none of it happened. I came back to finish my school and rumor went around my family about me being pregnant. Everytime I see a child or a baby, I tend to isolate myself from them whereas before, I loved kids. I worked in a daycare. I wanted to be a teacher. Now, I can’t even give my baby cousin a hug without feeling uncomfortable. I call my sister to talk every now and then and I cry when I hear my nephews laughing and talking in the background.. Playing with each other. I call her just to hear their voices in the background. I would do anything for those kids..

And then yesterday it hit me. I hit rock bottom. I started to feel again. Out of nowhere. I got home and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about my children. How bad of a person can I actual be. I will never be a mom, I will never be loved. I will never have someone look up to me and tell me they need me when they’re hurt or sick. My unborn children were 17 weeks old and 9 weeks old… I am a murderer. I killed my own kids. Imagine that. I thought I was a loving person. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I would’ve made an amazing mom. But I can’t. I wont. I refuse to accept what I did. I don’t even deserve to be here. My heart was ripped my my chest last night. I felt every inch of it tearing out. I didn’t sleep all night, I just cried. And cried. And cried. I tried to seek comfort from my partner but even he had nothing to say besides “He cares.” Maybe I shouldn’t get so upset with him for not understanding but I feel so alone right now.

I would give anything to take back my mistakes. To trade my life in for theirs. To kiss their foreheads and tell them mommy loves them. I would give anything to hold them and never let them go. I would do anything to show off my amazing kids.. Their beauty inside and out. I would give anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. Hear their voices. I would do anything to tell them I love them. I do. I have and I always will even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. I’m feeling it now, but now’s too late. It’s far too late. Penelope and Austin. Those would’ve been their names.

My sweet sweet babies… Mommy loves you so much. And I am soo sorry for what I’ve done. I want to die just so I can be with you guys again. But again, that’s a selfish act on my part. I only think about myself sometimes.. I’m selfish in that sense. And I’m sorry, everyday I will be sorry and everyday I will fall down on my knees and ask for your forgiveness. I always longed for your daddy’s love. I did everything I could to make him happy. To make him love me… I was so blinded by the thought of being loved by him that I neglected to take notice on the love you both would’ve given to me. I would have been more than overjoyed if I could feel your love. Hear your heartbeats one more time.. I pray everyday that there’s a heaven so I can be reassured that you two are up there safe and taken care of. I pray that one day I will be able to meet you guys.. But I knew I don’t even deserve to come close to heaven’s gates. I’m scared that if there is no heaven, I will never meet you guys.. Mommy is a bad, bad, horrible person. And she is so sorry. I’m so sorry. Words cannot express how empty I feel. I love you guys……. So much..

You probably think I’m a horrible person and honestly, I encourage the negative comments right about now. I deserve it. I know that. Please, just let me have it. I can take it. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t deserve to breath this air. Nor do I deserve to see. I am lost. I can admit that much. I am a lost soul. And I want to find my way home. If there even is a way home for me…… I bow down to all your women who were able to make it as a parent. You girls are such an inspiration. I only wish I could’ve had as much confidence in myself to do what you guys do on a daily basis. Be a parent. Be a mom. Be a role model to my children.. You guys are amazing…

Thanks for listening to my rant. Take care all…