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shub
Hi
I’m 19 and recently found out I am pregnant. To my ‘ex’ boyfriend, but we still are really good friends and hang out. He has supported me since I told him and I havnt told anyone else because I feel like this should be kept a secret, it’s personal and I will be easily judged and looked at in a certain way. Just us knowing is the best thing.
We both decided that getting an abortion is the best thing because :
I’m going to University soon
We’re not together and I don’t love him.
We’re too young and we both feel we don’t want to bring up a child with nothing much, like I wont be able to pay for it to do things like activities etc, And I want the best for my child.
One of my biggest dreams is to go to Korea and live there, or Japan. And experience all the things Iv always wanted to do there. I can’t wait to leave here. But I have to get a BA first. It sounds small but having a baby would put a big stop to everything I wanted in my future.. Which means I wont be happy. We both want to do many things in our life.
I just know I wont be happy if I have a baby.My main dilemma is, I feel like having an abortion is seen as a horrible thing to do, and its like killing someone, however it’s only cells at the moment. I’m scared I’m going to feel really guilty and it’s going to stick with me for the rest of my life. I clicked on a link that said something like ‘abortion changes you’ and the few phrases I saw on that sight made me feel TERRIBLE. I don’t want to be put down about getting an abortion, I want support and people to tell me it’s not a big thing.
I’m getting the surgical abortion which I NEVER wanted, if it was a pill I think I would have been fine, but the idea of this scares the crap out of me.
I think I just need support …
And some people to talk to..
Sorry if you disagree with my choice.Thanks for reading
Meg11
Hey there, My name is Meg….The way you posted seems like you are more making a statement rather than seeking counsel….It seems as though you have made up your mind….but have you? There are a few words that still speak through the lines…it seems that you are going against things that you have previously sworn against….To me that is a red flag that you may not be sold on your decision….I just want to throw a few things out there and you can choose to investigate further or not…I am not here to pressure you…clearly you have enough of that going on in your own thoughts!
I found out I was pregnant when I was 19, I had JUST finished high school and it was the time in my life when it was supposed to be about ME…I felt trapped and like I had to give my freedom up…You can actually read more of my story here on the site under My Stand Up Story Blog, Anyways, all that to say, I TOTALLY get where you are at…Isn’t it crazy how we will have sex with someone we don’t love and not realize it till a consequence hits us? I was the same way….
You mentioned that reading about abortion made you feel terrible….If just reading a few lines about abortion makes you feel terrible, have you evaluated how you may feel during the abortion, after the abortion and when the many common side effects such as depression and nightmares and inability to be around other peoples babies hits you? I have a friend who collapsed in the diaper aisle in tears, she was buying diapers for a baby shower for a friend and it hit her that she could afford to buy diapers for someone elses baby but was too scared to give birth to her own out of fear that she could not afford diapers…Many times the emotional risks of abortion are passed over due to time constraint and the need to hurry up and be done with the crisis….I am not asking you to change your mind, I am just asking you to do more research before you make the final irreversible step…
You said your baby is just cells right now, may I ask how far along you are? You baby’s heart started beating 18 days after he/she began to develop…this is a scientific medical fact, Here is a link to a site that goes over the details of the developing baby from week one through 40, http://www.pregnancy.org/fetaldevelopment/weeks-1-4 , Depending on how far along you are will depend on what type of surgical procedure done, if you are too far along to take the pill then most likely you will have a D and C, they will dilate your cervix using either metal rods or an expanding seaweed, both are known to cause physical damage to the cervix, increasing the risk for premature birth in future pregnancies, then they use a series of instruments to dismember and remove your baby, followed by scraping the inside of your uterus with a sharp razor type tool….Honestly, I would be scared too….There have been more and more 911 calls coming from abortion clinics, there have been more and more clinics shut down due to poor sanitary conditions and there have been more and more reports of abortion providers operating illegally without licenses due to suspended licenses in other states…Google the name LeRoy Carhart, He is still open and operating his abortion business even though he has KILLED two women, they died directly as a result of the botched abortion he proved them…
Do your research, ask questions, What is the name of the surgeon performing my abortion? May I see a copy of his license and confirm it with the HEALTH DEPARTMENT? Have any women been injured under his care? Find out if there have been any 911 calls made from the clinic you are going to…. Here is a link to a copy of your rights, it IS important to know this when obtaining an abortion, http://www.acenterforwomen.org/Abortion_Patient_Rights.html
Finally, if you DO decide that you do not want an abortion there is TONS of help out there… You have rights and this website can help you utilize them, http://pregnantoncampus.studentsforlife.org/ , Your university staff cannot hold prenatal appointments against you on your grades, they HAVE to accommodate you during your pregnancy by LAW…. There are pregnancy help centers, if you look to the right of this paragraph in the side bar you will find a link to Optionline, they can connect you with the closest center to you where you can get FREE and CONFIDENTIAL help…If nothing else, you can compromise, Would you consider making a small sacrifice and carrying this child to term and then allow someone else to raise him/her? You can STILL go far in your dreams, you can travel and be carefree but you can know that you did not pose physical risk to your body or to your child…..
In closing, here is a video, there is nothing bloody or graphic, it is simply an interview with three women, they all worked for an abortion clinic and they share why they no longer do, it might give you a new perspective of what happens behind closed doors! Their stories are not rare, they happen every day….Only you can make this decision, I just believe you need to be WELL informed of the risks involved…Legally it is your choice, I think you care about yourself too much, and you should, to make the decision without investigating further…You are too smart for that! I am here for you and you are welcome to email me if you need more info or if you just want to talk…Love Meg meg@standupgirl.com
Elisabeth22
Hey Shub,
I’ll do my best to keep this short and sweet, but you had a lot of good things to say and there’s a few things I wanted to express with love and respect…and if any of this hits you, I’ll be here…as will all of us. And if doesn’t, know there’s many people thinking of you, whether we know you or not.
First, I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to apologize to us for anything – there are so many girls who are thinking and feeling about and/or make the decision to abort. I personally have no interest in condemning or judging you. All of us have done things that others would deem ‘terrible’ or ‘unforgivable.’ All of us. So know the only way you’re ‘being looked at’ on here is with compassion, understanding, and respect.
Your dreams matter. School matters, traveling and seeing this beautiful world matters. Those things don’t hold any less importance b/c of the situation you’re in. I personally don’t think you’re a bad person for still wanting all that. You’re young – and when you’re young, our dreams are everything. And just like our relationships, tastes in music, values, etc change, our dreams can too. And that’s whats so amazing about dreams – even if we have to take a pit stop, they’re not going anywhere. They’re still right there with us.
Not knowing you – I don’t want to have any preconceived ideas about you, but I noticed you mentioned a few times that you care very much about how you are seen by others. Whether it’s others finding out you’re pregnant or judging you if you decide to have an abortion. I’m a woman…I care. Anyone that doesn’t admit to worrying at some point in their lives about what others think about them, probably aren’t so trustworthy. But what I have personally found to be the most life altering judgement – is what I think of myself. What I see in the mirror – whether I like myself one day, or despise myself the other – that is far more deeper a pain or triumph to endure than worrying about what others THINK they see in you.
You may find a woman who will tell you abortion ‘is no big thing.’ And you will absolutely find that in the clinics that perform them. And you will find many women on here who will say the opposite. That abortion was life altering in a way that words could never suffice. And you’ll find women who had their children and think back to the moment like you are in now – and could not imagine their life without their little one. You will find people on both sides and that’s partly why you’re here and feeling the way you are. How can you know who to trust when it seems like ‘both sides’ have their agendas? I can understand that. I encourage you to take your time to think and FEEL about this. Our hearts can mislead us, but you won’t find too many women in this world that feel their heart misled them when they hold a child they created. Seek the support you said you wanted. There are many people on here and Meg gave you some great links.
So, I’ll just end with this, because my life was forever changed by someone who was in such a similar situation to the one you are in.
I met my most dearest and loved friend through a mutual friend in college – first semester of her sophomore year. She became pregnant and had many dreams, hopes, and enormous talent that could take her so far. She also didn’t want to raise a child with the father, nor did she feel financially equipped to care for her little girl. And she had absolutely no family support. She was afraid to meet me in person, so we spoke on the internet the day before her abortion was scheduled…we talked, I prayed, and I hoped I had made some type of impact. But ultimately, she would either go to the appt. or not. And I heard through our mutual friend that she had gone to the appt. So, I thought that’d be it, and I would just continue to pray for her and hope she was ok.A few days later, even after knowing I was one of those ‘pro-life freaks,’ as I was lovingly called in school, 🙂 she contacted me out of the blue. And we met in person…and she sat across from me – someone she had met for the first time – crying, and saying that even while laying on the table listening to what the doctor was doing, she was regretting every moment of it in the deepest way. She was desperate to be able to say that and not feel judged. And before her abortion, I did what so many of us are told to do – give out pamphlets, websites, ect. But when we met, she told me she couldn’t look at them. She opened one about fetal development, saw a picture of her child at the age she was at the time, closed it, put it back in the envelope I had mailed her and put in her drawer. And didn’t open it again for a very long time.
She still has that envelope. And she said she wishes everyday since, that she would have just looked and accepted that information in her heart. 10 years later, and after some of the deepest pain I’ve seen someone go through, she’s the most remarkable person I’ve ever known. We talk about those times when she needs to, and every year on March 19, we remember Elisabeth Rose (the name she chose for her little angel).
Everyone has their story – and your story matters. What yours will be regarding this decision is up to you. Just make it one that 10 years down the road, when all of the fear and confusion has passed of this moment, it’s a story you’ll be proud to share. In 10 years, you could either be braiding your daughters hair and talking about boys (if she’s a girl of course), or you could be remembering the day of that appointment.
If you have any questions about ANYTHING, whatever it is, please don’t be afraid to ask. I’m willing to talk with you about anything. Whatever happens, you’ll just want to know you had every bit of information you could have had. I know that for sure, Shub.
Blessings to you!
Elisabeth
elisabeth@standupgirl.comAshleii
It sounds like you are trying to make your own sense of the situation, but still sounds like you are still a bit confused and could use someone for a vent or talking to. I am here.
You may think they are just “cells” in you at the moment, but truly in reality, you know that is more than what you think. It is probably a little Zygote/Embryo by now, which does lead into a fetus, a baby. It may be already forming depending how far along you really are.
I know having a child is extremely hard but there is ALWAYS help. There is adoption, and if you decide to keep him/her there is welfare/government assistance.
I was 14 when I gave birth to my son and in the beginning of my 10th grade. I did homeschooling from a teacher for 2 months and decided to go back to school shortly before my exams started. I have been able to keep my 80-90% marks. Trust me, anything is possible as long as you try, and have determination.
Even if adoption was an option for you, there are some great people out there that would love to take on a baby, simply because they want to help out a younger mom or because maybe they are infertile.
Bottom line is, and at the end of the day, it is YOUR decision and don’t let anyone sway that. All you can ask for is opinions and suggestions, advice, and information. But it all comes down to how you feel and what you think is best.
I will always be here for someone to talk to and for someone to vent to. All you need to do is get a hold of me. I hope you do what you think is best and I hope you are doing okay still. <3
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