forced to kill my first baby

All my life i kept everything inside but i can’t take it anymore not since the abortion…When i found out i was pregnant i dropped to the floor and started crying because i knew this will hurt my mother. All her dreams and high hopes for me as well as mine shattered in a matter of seconds. The following months, i hid my pregnancy from her. This was not hard because my mom is a single parent workaholic. I became very, very ill. I was unable to eat or drink,i didn’t have any energy,and i slept for hours and hours without end in addition to throwing up etc…The baby was literally sucking the life out of me. It was as if the pregnancy was fighting me and the secret was slowly killing me – a silent torture-. But i still continued to go on. My mom started to worry because she could see the bones in my face,and i was losing a lot of weight. She took me to the doctor 2 times. The third time the doctor broke the news. My mom cracked.She was screaming and crying in the doctor’s office."Why would you do this to me!!!!!"By this time i was 19 weeks along. Of all the days it had to be on my birthday…This was a long day.She immediately said i was getting an abortion. I knew there was no way of talking her out of it, i felt helpless. I knew this wasn’t what i wanted and now it kills me because i was forced to kill my first baby. I felt my mother wanted an abortion because she was afraid of what people would think of her. To this day my family has no clue of this not even my dad. My mom tells me to keep my mouth shut. I cry everyday because it’s heartbreaking. In the long run I wonder if I’m going to hate my mom or thank her. I still go on with life. I joke and laugh with my friends-but only if they knew… On the surface im this happy, fun loving girl but really i’m torn,damaged and unhappy…but only if they knew