Falling Apart

My name is Lauren. I am currently in my second year of University which puts me at 20 years old. I became pregnant when I was 19. My boyfriend and I had been dating for two years and we love each other more than anything. When I found out I was pregnant I broke down. I was sobbing. A couple weeks after finding out, I had to start my first year of University. I was in a long distance realtionship and a few weeks pregnant. I had absolutely no idea what to do. Every second of every day my mind was consumed by the decision I was eventually going to have to make. I asked my boyfriend what I should do, he said that it was my body and my decision he would support any decision I made. There was no way I was going to tell my parents, my mother would have killed me and my boyfriends would have hated me more than they already do. As I’m writing this I realize how shallow I sound.

I made the decision to have an abortion. I called the clinic and made the appointment. as I got up onto the table I couldn’t believe I was doing this. They told me to lay down and then they gave me the IV. It took only seconds for the medication to kick in. I remember wanting to move my head so that I could see my baby’s picture in the ultrasound, but I couldn’t move I just lay there wanting to get up…but it was too late now. The process of abortion is very painful and as the doctor took my baby away forever and as the nurse pushed down hard on my stomach I began to cry; with the little bit of consciousness I had left. .At 8 weeks old a fetus can feel everything. I can’t imagine the pain I inflicted upon my own baby. I would give anything to change the decision I made. I am a coward. For those of you who chose to have your babys, I have the utmost respect. You are all my heros.

It has been a year to the day, this September 17. I am hanuted by the decision I made. I need help. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of what might have been. The flashbacks are the worst because somehow in those moments I feel that I could fix it all…but the truth is that those seconds are only thoughts only dreams. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby I have to look away . I don’t know how to do this anymore. I’m losing my mind.

For those of you who think abortion is the right choice, I beg you to reconsider. Being able to meet your angel is so much better than living the rest of your life with regret.