- This topic has 15 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated by .
-
Posts
-
Anonymous
I’m at a bit of a loss at the moment. My best friend is my boyfriend, and I really can’t ask or expect him to help me with this, so anyway, here it goes.
I’m the mother of a 3 year old little boy (Connor), I had him when I’d just turned 16 (I am 19 now, just to make it clear :P) and his Daddy is also 19. We were in the same year at school and were very good friends for a couple of years before we started going out and I fancied him all that time, he was my first love.
We had only been together 4 months when I found out I was pregnant, we were both 15 and so shocked and scared. He mentioned abortion, which at the time I freaked out on, I didn’t want it, but now I understand he said it just becasue he was scared, not because he actually wanted it. Anyway, after many arguments and upsetting our parents, when I was 6 months along, we split up, I dropped out of school, mostly becasue I didn’t want to see him everyday.
I learnt though friends that he was sleeping with every little girl who gave him a chance, and even though his mom was trying to help me and him and offered him a part-time job were she worked, he wouldn’t take it.
But, when Connor was born, he was there, in the room with me and it felt like we were back together we were so close. And I could see he loved his baby. But after that, unless I was dropping Connor off to see him and his family, we didn’t see each other or talk to each other at all.
When Connor was about a year old Glenn (his dad) had gone back to exactly what he was like when I was pregnant, sleeping around, doing drugs and the like. And he didn’t see Connor for weeks at a time.
I told myself to get over it and eventually I did. And I have been with my current boyfriend (Matt) for about a year and a half now. He loves Connor like he’s his own and Connor loves him. I didn’t think I’d get so lucky so soon and get a young good looking guy who was willing to be a Daddy too. He’s my friends older brother and is a year older than me, he said he’d had a crush on me for a while and we got together on one of my very rare nights out.
But recently, Glenn has been on the scene more. I know the drugs have stopped totally, he’s even got a full time decent job that he’s stuck to for a while now, and he’s giving me quite a bit of money regularly (I’ve never made him or took court action or anything). In fact, in the last 6 months I don’t think I’ve heard one rumour about him sleeping with some girl. And he picks Connor up at least a couple of times a week.
It only seems since I got with Matt that Glenn has decided to get his act together to be honest. And I’m glad he is changing, but sad it happened the way it did, if he’d have realised what he had before, he’d still have us!
My dilemma is that he’s asked for me back, obviously Matt doesn’t know this. Glenn texts me telling me he’s been stupid, that he was only a kid and needed to get stuff out his system and all that kind of stuff but said that he never stopped loving either of us, and that he’s ready, and WANTS, to be there full time and that he hopes I’m willing to give him other chance.
Him saying this has made me want him back sooo much, I can’t help it. But I do love Matt so much too. I thought i’d got over Glenn, so I’m thinking it’s just because he’s my first love and he’s Connor’s dad that I want him back. But I can see he has changed. I only want whats best for my little boy and I don’t want to confuse him more than he already will be.
I don’t know if he’ll be upset Matt has disappeared from his life, but I don’t know if, when he’s older, he’ll get to know how hard his Dad worked to get us back but I didnt let him back and that he’ll resent me for it, I don’t know if that will make him resent Matt anyway, I just don’t know.
Surely having your’e real Mom and Dad is best for you? That’s what most people tell me. But when I think about life without Matt, it really upsets me, and I see him and my little boy asleep together on the sofa, I can’t take that from either of them. But when I think of life WITH Glenn, I get a huge smile on my face. And Connor looks like him so much.
I just need some rational advice. Any advice welcome, PLEASE.
Thanks for reading. (Sorry it’s a long read!!!)
dillon12
i dont think that you should take him back. he has walked away once on you and connor whats to say that he wont do it again when things get rough. yes he has changed but in my eyes to little to late. you now have a great relationship with a man who loves connor and he is the most important person to consider. as long as your ex stays around thn he can still be connor’s dad and connor wont grow up to hate you, as you have done the best things for him.
maybebaby88
It may seem like going back to him is best but in my opinion I don’t believe that it is. He says he was just a kid and had to get stuff out of his system but hun, you were just a kid too. Yet you kept your son and had to learn to grow up and fast. Besides all of that Matt really loves you and really loves your son, and you said you loved him, so what else matters. If Glenn really wants to be part of Conners life then he will no matter who you’re with, the fact that him getting himself together only happened after you got together with Matt makes me believe that if he gets you and Conner he’ll end up going back to his old ways because I think the whole reason he changed is because he was jealous and I know how no matter what happens in your life you will always wonder and think and have a special place in your heart for your first love but you have got to do what is best for you and your son.
kieffer23
Hi there
If i was in that situation i would stay with Matt even though he is not conors real father he has been more of a father then glen. A father doesn’t have to be some who share your gense of blood it can be any man who loves the child. you got lucky to find someone to love you and your child. If you give that up and go back to glen whats to say glen won’t do the same stuff he did before. Then you will be without a father figure altogher for conor.
Well i hope i helped
Keep posted.Hi. Hanging in there? Obviously, you’re a good mama and that comes thru in you letter. Years ago I was confused, just like you, and no one would tell me what to do. And that was what I needed….a clear head. So, we’re all going to help you.
First, separate fact from fiction. This is harder than it sounds. Glenn was your first love…..there is A LOT of "cinderella" coming thru in your letter… what I mean is. You made him out to be your ‘prince charming’ and the rest of us can see that he never was. All he really was, was the guy that you fell for.
Also, just b/c you don’t hear rumors about him sleeping around doesn’t mean he’s changed. Maybe he has. Or maybe he’s just gotten better at covering his tracks. You say he’s off the drugs for good. How long is for good? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? I’ve known addicts to go back after almost 10 yrs sobriety. And I’ve known addicts to stay clean the rest of their lives. But, you don’t KNOW if he’s really clean if he’s only been clean for 18 months or less. Find a website about addicts and read the posts. Find out about relapses and the heartaches of those who love & support them. Learn about the permanent chemical changes in the brain due to drug usage. If you don’t do the research, you’re deluding yourself about what you really want.
Another thing to ask yourself is what has Matt really been to you? You said, "My best friend is my boyfriend" & "And I have been with my current boyfriend (Matt) for about a year and a half now. He loves Connor like he’s his own and Connor loves him" & "I don’t know if he’ll be upset Matt has disappeared from his life"…okay,,,let’s take a look at these statements because they tell us alot about where you’re really at emotionally.
Think very carefully about what you are about to throw away, and you ARE about to throw it all away….you came here looking for validation. You are about throw away your best friend of a yr and a half. A man who, by your words, stepped in and did nothing but love you.
You are about to throw away your little boy’s daddy….not his father…his daddy. There is a big difference. Matt stepped in a yr and half ago and he and Connor have bonded as Father and son. I guarantee that it will tear Connor’s heart out if you take his daddy away from him.
It takes more than DNA to make a family.
One more thing,I know I haven’t pulled any punches here, but you need to hear to it all in order to make a decision for your futures. Matt sounds like a terrific guy. He deserves someone who truly loves him back the same way he seems to love you. You say you love him, but it doesn’t really come thru in your letter. Search your heart. Try to imagine your life without him. Not with Glenn. Just without Matt. How does that feel? If you find that you do not love him, then you let him go. But, you still need time to heal. You still need time on your own. Never jump right into another relationship. Take it slow. If you’re afraid Glenn won’t wait for you, then let that be your big red flag of warning. Never let fear be your motivator.
God Bless & Good Luck
i_love_justin
I think you have a big decision to make. Do you honestly think Glenn can stay off the drugs, and that he will stick around. I really think you should stay where you are at. If he wanted to be there for you and your baby, he would have done it sooner. Now, he sees your doing good and he regrets what he did. He made his bed, and he should lie in it. It’s great thats he has been there more for you baby, but think about it, is he using your baby to get you back? Can you really forgive him for everything he’s done? If it was me, I would go back to him but I KNOW thats a bad decision. You need to think about your baby, not you or anyone else. If you baby really loves your new b-f then what is he going to think when he isnt there anymore? I’m just saying think about it, Glenn might get up and leave whenever he wants. He sounds too wishy-washy to me!
stitch
I def. agree with Julie!
-Guys get jealous when they see ex-gf’s with a new guy. He may just be trying to "get u back" just to prove that he is better than Matt, for guys it is all about the pursuit…. right now Glenn enjoys you because he can’t have you but when he gets you e won’t be so excited.
-Matt knew your situation and loved you anyway – WOW. He is obviously responsible if he didn’t cause your pain but still wanted to take the responsibility that Glenn didn’t want to mess with.
-Which man would you rather your son be like? A guy who hits the road running when life gets tough, a guy who becomes a father and doesn’t take responsibility, a guy who uses drugs and sex as a way of escape?
OR
-A guy who becomes a daddy to a boy without a father, a man who faces responsibility head on, a man who looks beyond the mistakes of others and forgives.He will become like one of these men, Matt has been the only dad to your son. Of course Glenn was ur first love so its hard, but your son will not resent his dad Matt, instead he will love him more. Glenn doesn’t deserve to be Conner’s dad.
Here is a song that I heard of and thought of you:
[b]When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she’d ever meet someone
Who wouldn’t find out about me and then turn around and runI met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she’d say yesAnd then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something’s missing
To a family
Lookin’ back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I’m at least half the dad
That he didn’t have to beI met the girl that’s now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin’ more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded ’round the nursery window as they bring the baby inAnd now all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we’ve gone from something’s missing
To a family
Lookin’ through the glass I think about the man
That’s standin’ next to me
And I hope I’m at least half the dad
That he didn’t have to beLookin’ back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I’m at least half the dad
That he didn’t have to be
Yeah, I hope I’m at least half the dad
That he didn’t have to be
Because he didn’t have to be
You know he didn’t have to be
[/b]mrs_meliss
i say be friends. you can be friends for a very long time-see what his intensions are and if he stays a good person for you. maybe you are not ready to be in any relationship for now, but i dont think you should drop your boyfriend now for him at all becasue who knows if he messes up again. then you lost someone who really cares for you and connor.
Ndanu
I respect the fact that you have come clean with yourself. As for your baby daddy (Glenn) it does not take a rocket scientist to see that he is feeling that he lost something wonderful when he had the chance to step up and provide for his family. I am 19 years old and my advice to you is to keep on with your boyfriend Matt, you will be suprised to see how much love he has for you and your son. He loves you genuinly and he wants you to be happy. The fact that Connor loves Matt too will later prove that he will not resent you for staying with him and I believe that if you still keep Glenn in Connor’s life he will not hate you. Stay with Matt.
Bless you.
kez_mummy_2_skye
I reckon he is crawling back. I wouldn’t fall for it and he knows there is a good chance you will drop everything coz you obviously still like/love him and he is the father of little Connor. I would remain friends with Glenn and stay with your currant boyfriend. ‘
jasmine7312007
No you most definitely should not go back to be with him.
In your Long post you seem to be trying to convince to go against what you know is the best for both you and your son. What is best for a child is a stable loving environment where a child can flourish, not simple his or her real parents, in that case why even have adoptions or Child welfare agencies. As another person said before, yes he said he was young and immature and childish, etc…, but so were you and you sacrificed that childhood to bring your child into this world.
You found yourself a very great man who loves you and your child as his own, so I think it would be best for both you and your child to be with this man that chose to be with you.
You yourself know that this is the best bet, so do not try to go against what you know and feel to be the best.
Glenn is Connor’s fatherjade72
Oh my that Glen!! I can tell you right now…He wants what he can’t have. Guys can be very sucky like that. Once they realize that a girl they treated not so nice has met a great guy they are all of a sudden "changed". In most cases it’s not a real change but an act to get you back. I have been there!!:S Matt loves your son unconditionally and you as well. That’s a hard thing to find since connor is not his own. You are very blessed to have such a GREAT guy in your life to love you and your son the way you should be loved. Don’t get sucked in. I mean I could be way off and maybe your ex has changed but it seems like it is way too late for that now. I mean he should have known what he had from the start. Matt knows:)
Babygurl801d
its good you wanna be back with him, and I cna understand that, after all like you said, hes not only your old best friend/ your first love/ hes your babys daddy.. but you gotta think about this people always want what they usaully wont be able to have, when he gets you back whats he going to do.. it took you being with anothor guy for him to grow up, it took you having a kid to do that. yes you were both young, and even though neither of you asked for it you got it, he should have stepped up then, not now.. but atleast he did step up… see what he can do before you make an official choice, make sure he holds his stuff together. dont leave the one you love for the one you like, otherwise the one you love will leave you for the one they like… meaning dont give up the best thing for something that may not be permanet, because it will leave you, following the example you set, for something that isnt permanat.
kmurph29
Do not mess up yor childs life. All that may sound good, but what if he gets confertable and go back to his old way I have seen it before with my sister. then you will have lost the great guy that has been there for your son this whole time and what you are providing your son with right now. Things with him did not work out for a reason. please keep the stability that you have now, your son will be more upsit that his father left him in the beginning of his life then you all not getting back together. I love my stepfather more than ever and would never have wonted my parents to get back together because I know my life would not be as great as it is now.
mommytoele
No, I would not accept him back. If he can "walk out" once, he can do it again….
Nicki
roddi
I would say no. Don’t take him back. Stay with the man that will love you and your son. I would tell Glen sorry but it is too late. I think Matt would be a far better choice then Glen. May God be with you and the choice that you make.
- The forum ‘Personal Experiences – Just Let It Out!’ is closed to new topics and replies.
