dedicated to Kennah

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      I have known my boyfriend since beore I can remeber… we were the kids that are
      on the black and white cards in the grogery store. Adorable and fated to be with
      eachother. He moved away in fourth grade. He moved back to souther California
      our freshamn year of high school.. We started right where we left off, we were
      unseparable. He went to the brother school of the all girls Catholic school i
      went to. We became sexually active not to long afterward…My mother (a devout
      Catholic) would always inferr to be "careful" but never broached the subject of
      "safe sex" with me, because that was unholy and my body was a vessel for jesus.
      I truly didnt want to burn in hell for our sins (sex) or as the nuns said our
      fornication. We stopped having sex. After a football game a stumbling defenes
      man and a admiriing school girl created one of the most precius things known to
      man. I tried to convice myslef that I had missed my peirod becuase of stress
      from my overly competitive school, but o!
      ne day it finally clicked. I did the first thing I can remeber against my
      parents wishes, I ditched school to go to planned parenthood. I was seven weeks
      pregnant. I didnt know what to do, I considered abortion for about five seconds
      I felt i had to protet our baby already! I went to tell my boyfirend.They had
      been cooking Garlic something for a family dinner. The minute the aroma reached
      my nostrils I was so nauseated I couldnt stand. We sat for dinner and I took one
      look at the pasta and ran to the guest bathroom and threw up. This was the
      lowest moment of my life (until then) sitting on the tile and him rubbing my
      back. His mother walked in and said " i will assume this was your fault" He
      didnt reply. When I recovered from the nausea. He sat me on his bed and aksed me
      if i was pregant. Of course i responded with yes, and his expression never
      wavered. He told me everything would be alright. I told my parents within the
      next few days. I was too scarred to tell them, they d!
      idnt tolerate unwed mothers, and as hyped Catholics I was ima!
      gining m
      y parents reaction was going to be good.. My boyfiend told them and i sat in the
      next room on the couch. You could have heard a pin drop, they told him to go
      home, but he refused. He was worried about me, and spent the night on the floor
      outside my bedroom (My parents wouldnt let him sleep with me) The next morning I
      dressed in the uniform and walked downstairs like every other morning. This
      morning was different. Two tall, bald men stood in the kitchen. My parents
      explained to me this wasnt tolerated in this house, and i had two options
      abortion or a unwed mothers boarding school. That morning I packed my bags for
      my correctional schooling. My parents told everyone I had gone to summer camp
      early. I didnt even get to say goodbye to my Boyfriend. When I got there I was
      rooming with a girl who had a eating disorder. My boyfriend had no idea where I
      had gone, he begged my parents to tell me. He eventually told them, if they
      didnt tell him where I was that he would tell teh chu!
      rch that I was pregnant. My parents never felt remorseful for sending me away.
      I was miserable with women who were very sick.. with eating disorders, unplanned
      pregnancies, drug addictions and such. My parents went as far as to pick out a
      couple who lived in New York to adopt my daughter. I flatly refused this, she
      was my daughter and there was no way in hell I was going to give her up. Come
      hell or shine she was my baby our baby. After recieving informtaion about where
      I was my boyfriend convinced my mother to come get me. My mother arrived when i
      was eight months pregnant. She said we would strike a deal. I could keep my
      daughter if i promised to go to college in two years and finish high school. I
      agreed. The moment I saw my boyfriend I felt every emotion over the last five
      months melt. He held me for a long time and jsut told me to cry. When I was
      seventeen I gave birth to my daughter Kennah Deirdre… The day our daughter was
      born was the best day. She comes with no sl!
      eep, fustration, and she tends to be very expensive, but it wa!
      s worth
      it. No matter what our parents think. My daughter developed a pretty horrible
      cold a few weeks ago. I gav her tylenonl and other remedies but she couldnt
      shake it. Her cough seemed to develop deeper and deeper and became more and more
      raspy. I began to worry. My boyfriend said that if she wasnt better by Sunday
      then we would take her to the docotr. She didnt make it. As of early this week,
      my daughter was diagnosed with pnenomia. She is on a ventilator and unconscious.
      She is lifeless, no sparkle in her eyes or rosiness in her cheeks. She can’t
      even cry she just moans. Last week Kennah was saying Mama and Dada. We began
      trying to teach her how to walk. She laughed and played with us. She was still
      our baby. I sit and watch her chest rise and fall, but this isnt normal and
      machine is doing it. I touch her face and stroke her arms, but she is clamy and
      hot. I whisper encouragment and tell her to have stregnth, but she doesnt
      respond. Its six o clock and my baby, the only thin!
      g in the world that depends on me and is my soul responsiblity is slipping away
      from me, and all I can do is watch. After all we have been through after all the
      trials. I will never see her walk, or walk her up to the first day of
      kindergaten, I will never take her to brownies, I will never cheer for her in
      any sports, I wil never take pictures of her going to her first high school
      dance. I will never watch her graduate high school, and I will never help her
      pick ot a white dress for the most important day of her life. I will never tell
      her how beautiful she is and tell her that he doesn’t deserve her. Never will i
      do those things unless she fights. How is it I fought so hard to keep her, I
      went through so much pain to hold her and protect her, but in the end it hadnt
      mattered. This joy and blessing that was mine has slowly slipped from my open
      arms into oblivion. Her joy, smiles, dimples, and knowing look will always be at
      the back of my mind.. As I sit her and doctors fly!
      in and out to and from all I want to do is push pause. I want!
      to grab
      her and cradle what little life is left in her fragile body and conjole her to
      live. How is a life so small mean so much. Where is the justice in this? What
      has her life being taken accomplish. I cry and hold my boyfriend and he sits and
      crys and we mourn our daughter together. Doctors are telling us there isnt
      anything left. They medically cant do anything. It is in her. So should I fight
      for her plead with her, but what if she doesnt fight? Should I be mad that she
      didnt fight harder? How is that fair? My poor baby, my sweet angel.
      God Bless you Kennah Deirdre..
      Mommy loves you

      This angel touched your hearts
      For only just a while
      To teach you what it means to love
      And show you how to smile

      She could not stay for long
      For God soon would call her home
      But she left behind these memories
      To carry with you when you roam

      She taught you though her courage
      And the strength it took to live
      And to see her eyes and smile
      Oh, what you wouldn’t give

      Now your tears of sorrow fall
      But through each tear there is a light
      For this end is not goodbye
      Its only time till you’ll unite

      For one day the skies will open
      And God’s hands, they will unfold
      And your precious baby will await
      For your arms to hold

      So till then, hold on
      Keep her legend in your hearts
      And know the journey isn’t done
      It’s only just the start…


        I love you Dev….just let the Lord be your strength…His strength is made perfect in our weakness…you are always in our prayers and Pennielane is getting plenty of kisses for you..just like I promised…Meg


          I know how you feel. I watched my newborn daughter go through hell with doctors, in venilators, and all I could do as a mother was watch and pray for the best. Im so so so sorry, you are stronger than you think, and You and Your boyfriend will make it. How old is she? Email me if and when you have time. We lost our daughter right after my bf lost both his parents in a car accident. Ask lots of questions from the doctors, everything you can think of to ask, and try to find different ways to deal with this. I know the information is gonna fly through your brain, but it will help you in the long run. You will always search for answers.


            Oh my gosh… I am so sorry to hear that, I cant stop crying!! Please please please dont give up on life… your baby will be with you by your side even when you cant see her. She will be watching you from heaven and awaits the day when you come home to her. I know this must be the hardest thing in the world to get over, and you will never truely get over it… she will always be in your heart. I remember me writing you telling you how gorgeous she is, and she always will be. I am so sorry for your loss and you will be in my prayers every night. Hold your head up high and never stop loving your lil girl! Be the best mommy you can… her presence will always be with you and remembered. God bless you! Love always, Sarah.


              I am so,so sorry.I really don’t know what to say.I’m not sure about religion,but I’ll pray for you,in my own way,for what it’s worth

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