dedicated to Kennah

I have known my boyfriend since beore I can remeber… we were the kids that are
on the black and white cards in the grogery store. Adorable and fated to be with
eachother. He moved away in fourth grade. He moved back to souther California
our freshamn year of high school.. We started right where we left off, we were
unseparable. He went to the brother school of the all girls Catholic school i
went to. We became sexually active not to long afterward…My mother (a devout
Catholic) would always inferr to be "careful" but never broached the subject of
"safe sex" with me, because that was unholy and my body was a vessel for jesus.
I truly didnt want to burn in hell for our sins (sex) or as the nuns said our
fornication. We stopped having sex. After a football game a stumbling defenes
man and a admiriing school girl created one of the most precius things known to
man. I tried to convice myslef that I had missed my peirod becuase of stress
from my overly competitive school, but o!
ne day it finally clicked. I did the first thing I can remeber against my
parents wishes, I ditched school to go to planned parenthood. I was seven weeks
pregnant. I didnt know what to do, I considered abortion for about five seconds
I felt i had to protet our baby already! I went to tell my boyfirend.They had
been cooking Garlic something for a family dinner. The minute the aroma reached
my nostrils I was so nauseated I couldnt stand. We sat for dinner and I took one
look at the pasta and ran to the guest bathroom and threw up. This was the
lowest moment of my life (until then) sitting on the tile and him rubbing my
back. His mother walked in and said " i will assume this was your fault" He
didnt reply. When I recovered from the nausea. He sat me on his bed and aksed me
if i was pregant. Of course i responded with yes, and his expression never
wavered. He told me everything would be alright. I told my parents within the
next few days. I was too scarred to tell them, they d!
idnt tolerate unwed mothers, and as hyped Catholics I was ima!
gining m
y parents reaction was going to be good.. My boyfiend told them and i sat in the
next room on the couch. You could have heard a pin drop, they told him to go
home, but he refused. He was worried about me, and spent the night on the floor
outside my bedroom (My parents wouldnt let him sleep with me) The next morning I
dressed in the uniform and walked downstairs like every other morning. This
morning was different. Two tall, bald men stood in the kitchen. My parents
explained to me this wasnt tolerated in this house, and i had two options
abortion or a unwed mothers boarding school. That morning I packed my bags for
my correctional schooling. My parents told everyone I had gone to summer camp
early. I didnt even get to say goodbye to my Boyfriend. When I got there I was
rooming with a girl who had a eating disorder. My boyfriend had no idea where I
had gone, he begged my parents to tell me. He eventually told them, if they
didnt tell him where I was that he would tell teh chu!
rch that I was pregnant. My parents never felt remorseful for sending me away.
I was miserable with women who were very sick.. with eating disorders, unplanned
pregnancies, drug addictions and such. My parents went as far as to pick out a
couple who lived in New York to adopt my daughter. I flatly refused this, she
was my daughter and there was no way in hell I was going to give her up. Come
hell or shine she was my baby our baby. After recieving informtaion about where
I was my boyfriend convinced my mother to come get me. My mother arrived when i
was eight months pregnant. She said we would strike a deal. I could keep my
daughter if i promised to go to college in two years and finish high school. I
agreed. The moment I saw my boyfriend I felt every emotion over the last five
months melt. He held me for a long time and jsut told me to cry. When I was
seventeen I gave birth to my daughter Kennah Deirdre… The day our daughter was
born was the best day. She comes with no sl!
eep, fustration, and she tends to be very expensive, but it wa!
s worth
it. No matter what our parents think. My daughter developed a pretty horrible
cold a few weeks ago. I gav her tylenonl and other remedies but she couldnt
shake it. Her cough seemed to develop deeper and deeper and became more and more
raspy. I began to worry. My boyfriend said that if she wasnt better by Sunday
then we would take her to the docotr. She didnt make it. As of early this week,
my daughter was diagnosed with pnenomia. She is on a ventilator and unconscious.
She is lifeless, no sparkle in her eyes or rosiness in her cheeks. She can’t
even cry she just moans. Last week Kennah was saying Mama and Dada. We began
trying to teach her how to walk. She laughed and played with us. She was still
our baby. I sit and watch her chest rise and fall, but this isnt normal and
machine is doing it. I touch her face and stroke her arms, but she is clamy and
hot. I whisper encouragment and tell her to have stregnth, but she doesnt
respond. Its six o clock and my baby, the only thin!
g in the world that depends on me and is my soul responsiblity is slipping away
from me, and all I can do is watch. After all we have been through after all the
trials. I will never see her walk, or walk her up to the first day of
kindergaten, I will never take her to brownies, I will never cheer for her in
any sports, I wil never take pictures of her going to her first high school
dance. I will never watch her graduate high school, and I will never help her
pick ot a white dress for the most important day of her life. I will never tell
her how beautiful she is and tell her that he doesn’t deserve her. Never will i
do those things unless she fights. How is it I fought so hard to keep her, I
went through so much pain to hold her and protect her, but in the end it hadnt
mattered. This joy and blessing that was mine has slowly slipped from my open
arms into oblivion. Her joy, smiles, dimples, and knowing look will always be at
the back of my mind.. As I sit her and doctors fly!
in and out to and from all I want to do is push pause. I want!
to grab
her and cradle what little life is left in her fragile body and conjole her to
live. How is a life so small mean so much. Where is the justice in this? What
has her life being taken accomplish. I cry and hold my boyfriend and he sits and
crys and we mourn our daughter together. Doctors are telling us there isnt
anything left. They medically cant do anything. It is in her. So should I fight
for her plead with her, but what if she doesnt fight? Should I be mad that she
didnt fight harder? How is that fair? My poor baby, my sweet angel.
God Bless you Kennah Deirdre..
Mommy loves you

This angel touched your hearts
For only just a while
To teach you what it means to love
And show you how to smile

She could not stay for long
For God soon would call her home
But she left behind these memories
To carry with you when you roam

She taught you though her courage
And the strength it took to live
And to see her eyes and smile
Oh, what you wouldn’t give

Now your tears of sorrow fall
But through each tear there is a light
For this end is not goodbye
Its only time till you’ll unite

For one day the skies will open
And God’s hands, they will unfold
And your precious baby will await
For your arms to hold

So till then, hold on
Keep her legend in your hearts
And know the journey isn’t done
It’s only just the start…