Can’t Forgive Myself

Hey there sweetie…for starters I want you to know that I do not judge you or think bad of you, just because you feel that way about yourself it doesn’t mean that everyone else will feel that way towards you….I am really sorry that this had to be your first experience…You used the words “had sex with me” “I layed there while he used my body” That is exactly what happened, you didn’t have sex, he had sex with you, sex is something that should be engaged in by both partners, in a way you were raped, maybe not forcibly or violently but someone had sex with your body while you were extremely impaired….I have been through the same thing, almost identical to your situation, it makes you feel so worthless and dirty and at the time it seems like turning around and knowingly choosing to have sex will “reverse” what has happened and it doesn’t…then what, are you going to keep repeating the process? I did for years and after a while I felt dirty, used and worthless….there is nothing that can reverse it, however there are things you can do to lessen the shame, guilt, I decided to stop having sex after I had gotten pregnant with my second child from a second father, I felt so done, worthless and used up….I went 2 1/2 years without having sex until my wedding night, it has only been since I have been married that i have learned what having sex is supposed to be like….sex should never feel like you are just laying there putting up with what someone else is doing, you should not have to feel guilty or dirty after having sex, you should not be ashamed of the person that you had sex with, if and when you have these feelings it should be a red flag that something is not right…sex should be mutually enjoyed by both the man and the woman, what I have learned through my own experience is that if a guy loves you enough he will wait for you, my husband did, he proved to me that he wants more than sex from me and he did that my waiting until our wedding night!! Also a guy who respects you will not take advantage of you in a drunken state….even in a marriage relationship I do not think a man should have sex with his wife if she is so intoxicated that she doesn’t know up from down…he takes a risk of hurting his wife, lets face it, we are sensitive “down there” and if a woman is so messed up she may not be able to speak up and let him know that she is in pain or uncomfortable….you should never put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of, protect yourself, if you choose to continue in this habit of getting really drunk, to the point of black out or near black out then you should make sure that you are with women only and that you do not leave the location, however it sounds like making these kids of decisions are not working out for you too well….I don’t think you should lie about your virginity, it will enable you to live in secret, shameful denial about your not so wonderful experiences and in the long run by doing so you will allow yourself to remain vulnerable to have it happen again…I was not a virgin for my husband, I had already given birth twice, he loved me and respected me anyways…if a guy has a problem with that then he is not looking at you as a special jewel, he is looking at you as a possession…someone to be “conquered” so to speak…I hope this helps a little, I think if you make a solid choice to stop having sex and allow yourself to heal and find that self respect and good pride again you will find it easier to forgive yourself….I am here if you ever want to talk…Love Meg