can not believe this is happening to me

Hi, Here is my story.. Well I am 20 and currently in 3rd year of University doing Primary Teaching, my boyfriend who I have known for years but only been in a relationship with for a few months is also in his 3rd year of University. My boyfriend and I both moved away from a small Island to go to University on the mainland and both of us share a flat with our friends from home who also go to Uni.

Basically like quite alot of students I enjoy nights out, love the freedom of moving away from home and enjoy my course however 2 weeks ago I went to get the implant in my arm (as I didn’t like the pill) and I found out I was pregnant. Initally I was gobsmacked and could not believe it, I booked an appointment for an abortion straight away without thinking twice about it. When I told my boyfriend he was in total shock and didn’t really say much apart from he would be there to support me no matter what.

After i got over the shock of what the nurse had said i realised that i really should think more about it and not rush into anything but then 2days later i found out my Grandad died and i had to go home to his funeral. I told my mum and my gran who were both so supportive and said they would stick by me no matter what which was so nice to hear.

I went back to the mainland after the funeral and had went for the first appointment of the abortion with my boyfriend, this was bascially a scan. I looked at the screen and i felt really strange, it didnt feel real to me. I began thinking is this really happening to me!? Why!? I felt angry, upset and so confused.

My abortion was booked this week and after my mum gave me and my boyfriend a good talking to and told us she would be there we cancelled it to think about it more but we are both still so confused. I worry about money, don’t know what to do about university, how will i cope with a baby, if me and him will last and various other things. Part of me would love to have a baby but i feel it is just not the right time and other times i get so upset, i just wish i could make a decision. I don’t want to move back home and leave my life as know it all behind, i’ll miss my freedom and the way i am now. However i don’t know if i will be able to go through with an abortion. I do feel like i have a connection with the baby and i know i will love it no matter what and that we can get by but another part of me is terrified that this is all too much too soon. I still want to do so much with my life…

I just need some advise and support because although my boyfriend is great i hide alot of my feelings as i am very private person. Please help.