Back where I started

Most of you know my story already…. and here I am again…. back where I started when I first joined SUG. I’ve been away from the site for longer than i care to remember and nothing has gone right. I’ve attempted suicide twice in the last two months and I’m stil here, even though I’m only feeling half alive…. but I guess that I’ve been feeling that way for a long time already.
I can’t face the festive season this year… not with everyone announcing new babies.I think I’ll go completely off my rocker when another one of my friends fall pregnant…. but they never tend to stay freinds with me for long after testing positive… because I cant stand to be around them.

I guess thats what set me off again tonight…. Mare is pregnant and I just want to cry BECAUSE IT’S NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!! It’s never me and I can’t handle it so well anymore. I wake up at night hearing my little girl crying and I know she’s not there and I can’t comfort her and it s fault. i feel like I’m going crazy. I so tired of crying I just cant anymore. I cant live anymore and I dont know what to do. Please someone just show me a way out.