Accepting Loss…

I’ve also just recently lost my son, I’m also 17 and I had him prematurely at 26 weeks on August 2nd, and made the decision to not let him continue to suffer so my little Angel was taken by God on August 12th and it has been extremely hard. If you ever feel like things are just to overwhelming, like you can’t handle being alone because of the thoughts or you just feel so shitty all together you can see the crisis team at your hospital.
Thats what I did yesterday, things have just gotten worse and worse so I decided to go see someone who could get me help because it is extremely important to go through the stages of grieving or you will NEVER be able to accept the death. But the crisis team at my hospital who works with the child and youth program in the hospital said I could stay there if I wanted for 1 one day or 3 or 4 if I really needed it, its a place to just get away from all of those thoughts, and flashbacks and feelings you had.. I know how hard it can be, and my heart hurts for anyone who has ever had to go through this, no one deserves it whether it was there fault or not. I to went into premature labour I think because of the ridiculous amount of stress my boyfriend put on me. He didn’t want my baby, he told me he would probably go crazy and leave if I kept him and I couldn’t just leave him because we had been together for 2 and a half years and I loved him more then anything but the ammount of stress he caused.. It makes me think about what could have been, what should be right now. I should still be pregnant, with a healthy baby boy inside of me but I have to stop looking at what could have been and what it is now I can’t change anything but there will be another chance waiting for me in the future when Im in a stable relationship, when Im financially stable, just all together when Ive got everything I need and its not a struggle to get all of the things I need. I think about it now, and I would never have been able to give my baby Noah the life he would have wanted, I would have wanted to give him everything he ever wanted but I couldnt of, I feel like everything happens for a reason, even though its extremely painful and its hard not to wonder why in the world would this happen to me? its made us stronger, its made us the people we are today, we can’t change what happened we can only make the best of ourselves I told myself when I knew I was keeping my baby that I would go back to school, graduate and move on to college, basically that I would do whatever I could for my baby I didn’t care what It was I was going to put him before myself and even though hes not here with me anymore he’s still in my heart he always will be right here with me and Im still continuing with school and going to school even though I just lost my son for my son, he’s still the reason for all of the good that I’m doing for myself, he is my strength. I’m someone with severe anxiety and major depression and sometimes I feel like thats all I am, When I get upset I blame it on how bad my anxiety is but I’m not going to let me anxiety define who I am anymore. All of this has made me so much stronger and he has completely changed my life for the better. I will love my baby forever as you will always love yours, remember that you can always talk to him, ask him for guidance hes still with you and always will be but don’t let the fact that hes not here anymore make you feel hopeless, and there are lots of girls on here who will be here for you, who will help you get through all of this pain.