A moment of clarity.

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      I am cooking dinner, Mashed Potatoes and steak.I look at your empty highchair your not there. I turn to see you on the carpet playing with your toys and daddy smiling and holding you up so you can walk.. but he isnt, he is watching the game with a motionless empty face. In that moment I remember, You’re gone. Daddy every morning wakes me up with a kiss on the forhead and turns to your crib to give you a kiss but in that moment we remember no more mornings will you be there to let us hold you and kiss youre cheeks. Mommy goes to the store and walks down every isle…. shampoo, cookies, water, noodles, and I come across your favorite snacks I turn to the basket expecting you to be there reaching for them and yelling "jujuiess jujuies.." but in that moment I realize there is no toddler in my cart you have left my life. You have left a imprint of what life is suppose to be, you where apart of me for nine months I held your life within mine, I pushed you out and gave you life. But it is my life that needs deliverance now. I am stuck in this rut without you. I have been given this amazing gift and someone took you away. I still see myslef looking down at you from that "iron" crib in teh hospital. My chalk white, lifeless toddler. I tune out the hustle and buslte of the hospital, the beeps the machines are making with your every miniscual vital, the drip of your ivs, and I focus on conjoling the life you have back into you. At first I am mad at you, "baby you need to fight this, you need to work harder" then I get sad.."Momy cant lbreath without you here ken, daddy cant live without you" then I give way to all out hysterics promising the moon and stars to God he his gives your life back to us. and then… the doctor come in. He mistakes my mother and your mommy. I yell "SHES MY BABY NOT HERS" he walks over and says
      "There is nothing we can medically do…"
      I freeze… the moment of clarity hits..She isnt coming home with us, she isnt going to ever walk by herself, she isnt ever going to try chocolate, she will never attend a highschool dance.. she will never ask me to go shopping for that white dress with her… All my hopes and dreams crash before my eyes. I heart stops. In this moment I want to grab her little body and take her home like there isnt anything wrong. I get up walk over to her "crib" I look down at my baby. She is only breathing by machines now. Her chest rises and falls but it is mechanically done, her eyes dont sparkle, her cheeks arent rosey and she had no dimples but no smile can creep up to her lifeless body. they take her off the machines. I sit there and hold her body. In this moment, this moment I can call clarity I know I will never be able to hold her again. This is the last time I can hold my baby. I say it over and over again. I kick everyone out even my boyfirend. I just sit in her corner of the room and rock her to sleep like I had done thousands of times before. It just this is the last and she is already asleep. I sing her favorite lullaby. "I see the moon and the moon sees me, the moon sees the one that I wanna see, so god bless the moon and god bless me, and god bless the one that I want to see….." You are getting slighty cold now, I call my boyfirend in hes sits with us. In this moment of clarity I realize this is the last time we will ever be a family. together. We hold you and cry for you and give you to the nurses who put a white sheet over your head. the machines have stopped beeping and the other mothers in the room are staring praying their babies arent next. I walk out of the hospital. In that moment I knew life would never be the same. I go home. I see the crib you slept in every night the blaket is since askew from when you slept in it last. I see your toys untouched from when you last played with them. In that moment I know you will never again try to put the triangle piece in the square hole and look up at me with those huge brown eyes with confusion asking why? I am now the one looking up at the sky with confusion asking why? why doesnt this fit in my life? Daddy still goes to the story time every wensday at the library to see your friends. He sits in the back and the other mothers come up to him and ask him how we are doing. He leaves every wensday from there and comes home and sits in the backyard staring at the swings he put up for you. He has a moment of clarity. Mommy still goes to the park to let you play on the big foam mat and watch the big kids slide down the slide and point. but you arent there to point anymore. I sit and watch the other moms juggle their babies and hold them as they slide and will god to give you back. But in my heart of hearts my moments of clarity I know you are gone.


        wow this is amazing it made me cry. You are an amazing person and very strong to have to deal with this. I only hope i can have he strength you have.


          This is so beautiful, I can only imagine how many tears you’ve cried compared to the ones I’ve just shed…This tribute is so profound, it has left a ringing in my ears and my fingers are shaking. I cannot even say anything because there are no words that can be said…Thank-you for sharing this with us and letting us into a part of such a deeply personal matter. You are so brave.

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