21, pregnant, engaged, confused

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      I’m 21 years old, graduated from college last year nad have a stable part time job. By fiance, 21, is graduating in May and will have a decent job (hopefully). We were supposed to get married in May 2005, got engaged in Jan. I just found out I’m pregnant and don’t konw what to do. I still feel so young, and we’re not financially set up like I thought we’d be before having kids. We both want kids in teh future, but I’m not sure our relationship can handle one this year. Mu options are keeping it or havig an abortion. I’m not sure I can go thorugh with an abortion. I’m scared of complications and worried how guilty I’ll feel for hte rest of my life. It was our choice to have sex and we always knew of the possibility of getting pregnant. I feel like it’s part of life, I should keep it and live my life. At hte same time, I konw how different my life will be having this baby. Anyone have any advice? Those who have had abortions, any regrets or was it the right choice.


        Hey Girl,

        I understand what you are going through because I am 23 and my fiance’ and I are pregnant now, too. I am 2 months pregnant now. But when I realized that I was, we both agreed that we wanted this child, eventhough we didn’t "plan" for it now. ESPECIALLY, because we did have an abortion about 6 months ago. It hurt physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I promised that I would NEVER go through that again. It felt like the only thing to do at the time, but we won’t do it this time. We know we plan on having children, so why prolong it? – maybe I won’t be able to have children, or it will be difficult because of the abortion. That’s my personal experience and i pray that I was able to help you in your difficult situation. Also, please realize that if you have faith in G-d, He will provide, and open doors…. at least your finished school =0) !!! I hope only the best and peace for you and your new family.


          I think you should definetly keep your baby. If i’m 17, pregnant, with another year left of school, and being kicked out this summer to get a place with my boyfriend, AND still having a baby, I think that you can go ahead and have your baby. I don’t think an abortion should ever be an option, but i definetly think you’re in even better shape than me, and if I can keep mine, you could probally at least do a better job keepin yours. PSo, I hope yokeep your baby, but whatever you have to do.


            Laura, 8 yrs ago i would have reacted the same way but I never would have given abortion a thought! I am now 6 months pregnant, married to a wonderful man and happy! This of course after finding out at 22 that I would never have children without help and sooner rather than later. I can’t tell you how painful that was—having a family, a baby, the one person who will love me more than my own parents loved me could never happen! Face the fact that you made a choice to have sex and face the result! Have the baby-GIVE IT a chance to live and love and laugh and be loved! Put the baby up for adoption and move on with life but do on KILL your baby. Or have it and be ready for a wonderful, loving life. Nothing in this world is easy. Nothing! But you can not make your flesh and blood pay for your mistake. Give another couple like us-who were ready to take a baby were it not for the months it would take to find a newborn up for adoption and then ourselves being blessed to get pregnant a chance to have a baby. To love and hold it! It’s your choice. My baby is moving right now…it makes me want to cry! The idea of never being able to feel a baby’s movement hurt more than anything. Someday-when you are older, married and ready to have a baby what will you do if you can’t? What if this is you chance, your place in life, God’s plan for you? My sister had her first child at 19. She is now a medical Student at Baylor and has 2 kids! So don’t tell me this can not be done bc it can. Be responsible for your actions. You r so YOUNG-you have so much to give! It’s time to grow up!
            As for those girls justifying abourtion…did they see what ACTUALLY happened to the baby? Did they ever ask? do they understand they killed a BABY, a child, a person, because they didnt have the strength to face THEIR MISTAKE? NO! of course not. Aboutions are and easy way out for FOOLS and those who are much to selfish to think of their future. Look it up…tell me if this is what you really want to happy to your baby. Do you really want to someday confess this to your child-Regret it someday bc most likely when you are "ready" for a child you WILL remember the one you killed.
            Best Regards


              I can not agree with ChantiStar and Madeline more! It is scarey but a blessing that you will either realize the first time your child moves inside of you or the day you give birth or perhaps not even until the day that baby looks at you and says "I love you, mommy!’
              DO NOT risk regret and abort this baby. It is wrong. An escape of your reality and duty as an adult consenting to sex which WE ALL know can, will and does lead to pregnancy!
              Please research abortions first and like Madeline said-can you live with this? Can you confess this to your future husband and children? Regardless of what those dr’s and pro-choice people say-you will be KILLING a child!
              As for those girls telling their happy go lucky stories about aborting a child–shame on them for being so selfish and stupid. Read their stories! Tell me if that is what you want to be compared to. At 21 and out of college you should know better than to even ask whether or not an abortion is wrong. Unless you have been brutally raped or seriously ill then BUCK UP and have this baby and then give it to someone who is unable to have a family.
              I wish you the best in world girly! Just be smart about this! This may not seem fair but it could be in the stars for you. Allow yourself to the knowledge of strength and of doing what is right and kind to YOUR BABY! THis is possible for you. Be strong. You have a home, a fiance, a job, a degree and there is lots of help out there! LOTS! Don’t be afraid to ask for it or even demand help!
              PS-I have been waiting for 3 yrs to adopt. I will never have a child on my own. You don’t know the blessing you have growing inside of you.


                I understand what you are going through. When I was 17 Ifound out I was pregnant.I thought the same thing you are. I decided to keep my baby. It was hard. I hade school and my boyfriend was working but we made it. My boyfriend paid for my baby sitter and the diapers so I could finish school. Our relationship went through lots of tests. I am happy to say we passed. We got married and we have 4 children now. I know there are things that I wanted out of life first but it changes the second you hold your baby. Our daughter is 6 and very challenging still but I would not change it for anything. I stay at home with our children and could never be happier. younever know maybe you would like to stay home and take care of your baby. then get a part time job later. Just think of your pregnancy as a jump start to a happy family someday. And worry about life when you have too. Good luck I hope you make the right choice.


                  First of all, I want to shout to you, "CONGRATULATIONS," and that, "I AM PROUD OF YOU." I say this because you have graduated not only high school,but college as well. This is not where I stop, though. Think about this: you and "Mr. Right" were engaged before you got pregnant. Obviously the engagement is not because of the new arrival. A marriage as a result of a baby can be a painful end to a relationship that was not meant to be in the first place, but at least you know this relationship is meant to be…right? How supportive of the idea of having a baby is he?

                  I want to let you know that my boyfriend and I both (as well as 11 others) lost our jobs in February 2005 due to a "reduction in force" at the company we both worked at. I am 22 and he is 23. In March we got engaged. Now it’s April and I found out just two evenings ago that I too am going to have a baby. I stared at the test not knowing how to react. I wanted to shout for joy because I know my fiancee will make a wonderful father to my children and I have a condition called endometriosis pretty badly (have since 17) and was told it may be difficult to conceive. However, the wedding was dated to be September 10 and I won’t fit into the dress by then. Not only that, but people will know I am pregnant before we got married. My worst fear is my family. I don’t want them to think we’re getting married as a result of the baby because that is the trend in my family and every single one of the marriages as a result of pregnancy in my family is bitter and full of resentment. This is not our case.

                  I cried because I didn’t particularly plan to have a baby NOW. I was hoping it would happen after we got married and had our "fairy tale" wedding that we’re paying for. Now, we have Dr. bills we’re going to have to pay for and a baby to get ready for. It’s been my hope that I’ll be able to be an at-home mom. I pray we’ll be able to "swing" it. We don’t know what to do about the wedding yet, but the thought of ridding our lives of the baby has never crossed our minds. The thought of our own baby being an inconvenience to our lives is inconceivable. We knew what we were doing when we had sex; we knew the risks involved. We’re not going to make the baby pay for our actions; it’s not his/her fault.

                  I ask you to think about something as you go into this marriage with your fiancee (before you make a decision about your baby). When I was in high school I learned a shocking statistic: 98% of marriages that experience the death of a child fail. An abortion will result in the death of your child. You and your fiancee have a 98% chance that your relationship will fail due to bitterness, resentment, and the "it’s your fault, my fault" blame game. If you are truly committed to this man you’re about to marry and committed to having a family, you can do it. You really can. You have all the ability in the world. Do you have the will?

                  I BELIEVE IN YOU.


                    Laura, hi, my name is Chantal. I just moved from Texas to Maryland after having my baby girl, Sofia. I am so happy that you are engaged. That is a plus, for real. I had my daughter last summer when I was 21, just like you are. I cannot begin to tell you how I felt so bad for myself and how I thought my whole life, career, body was ruined. I could go on and on for hours, but I don’t want to feel like a victim anymore. The truth is, I almost nearly gave my daughter up for adoption, but somewhere in my heart I knew I would leave the hospital with her. When I got home I was so happy even though there was an overwhelming sense of sadness surrounding my circumstances. I felt sad for my life before being a mom–I wanted it back so bad. I felt invaded, I felt resentful, I felt pissed off at everyone and everything. Breastfeeding didn’t help make things easier. It actually made things worse because she sucked so hard I would bleed and burn. That’s a no brainer now, though. I’m a pro. I can’t believe I stuck with it because I would have given up had I not seen a lactation consultant from WIC. That’s another thing. You are worried about money? It’s really not that bad. Babies really aren’t that expensive if you have what you really need. I have foodstamps, medical assistance, and cash assistance, along with medical assistance for my daughter. It’s only here for me until I get back on my feet and can provide for her myself. I have my grandma and mom supporting me right now so I don’t have to worry about paying a whole bunch of bills. When you talk about abortion, I know how you feel. Sometimes I would think how great it would be just to get rid of "it." It’d be great to just get rid of the whole situation and it’d keep my boyfriend from stalking me night and day. It’d be great cuz then I could move on with my life, finish college, find a career, and take it as a lesson learned. But, growing up prolife I knew that looking at all the brochures of fetuses and embyros wasn’t for nothing. In fact, right before I found out I was pregnant I found this website; almost as if God was preparing me for the hard decision to keep this pregnancy. Sometimes I felt like I was just doing it because that’s what God wants and I was just a robot following orders, you know? I also felt like I was a martyr for all of the women out there if they were pregnant or not—even for the women at college if they ever faced an unwanted pregnancy they knew that they remembered some girl goig to class as fat as a house. Just kidding, I looked really good! Yes, you should feel worried about complications because that’s what stopped me from thinking further about an abortion. I would think, "Oh, it’d be so easy and great….and then I’d say, "nope nope I ain’t having no preterm baby next time, I ain’t havin breast cancer later on in life, I ain’t havin the risk of sterility, I ain’t havin the risk of some asshole puncturing my beautiful body/uterus." Hell no! I sure as hell knew that I couldn’t live with the guilt feelings because I already have such a killer conscience anyway. I knew my life would be miserable and my future marriage could fail, and I’d be depressed since I already am prone to it, and I might be fine for a while but years down the road I’d become upset later on. So, DON’T DO IT. I really can’t respect women who don’t buck up and take on their responsibility by trying to get the easy way out. In fact, I resent it a whole lot because while motherhood is great, it is also a great sacrifice and I don’t like it that anyone would try to get out of it. I had every reason in the world to abort, but I didn’t and I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to be selfish since I had to go through what I went through. Don’t be selfish; you will not be able to explain the love for your child because it is so deep in you core. Do the right thing and keep the pregnancy. Don’t let anyone push you for an abortion. Dr.’s make a lot of money and they know that one person’s sadness is their road to the bank. Here we are, my daughter and me and I can’t ever imagine her arms and legs being ripped apart if I had aborted her. You will regret it.


                      I was in similar situation. My fiance and I decided to have an abortion. I am here on this site now looking for relief. I cry through the night so many times. I would be 15 wks preg now but I’m not. Plz don’t do it.
                      Now that I have ended that pregnancy I just want to have another. Having an abortion won’t solve your problem; it will just change it.


                        In reading your e-mails I thought of myself, I too, was pregnant before marriage. However I was 15 and my husband was 19. We will be married for 34 years this year. You see, your baby is not something that just happens-your love and respect for each other produced this love. God has a way of showing us what makes life so important. It is not jobs, or money, or the cars we drive; it is those little lives we carry with us.
                        My husband and I had a wonderful baby boy who has grown to be a wonderful christian father of 2 beautiful children. He watched his father and I work together to build a life for himself and his sister. I went on to finish school and on to nursing school, His dad was military but went on to become a firefighter. He saw what love in a family can do and how it can overcome the obstacles that life throw at you. His sister knows that I was married at a yound age and saw the nights I studied hard to be able to make things better for them and the times her dad worked 3 jobs to help get me through school. She too, knows how man and wife must work together to make a home and family.
                        Abortion? Never entered my mind-and it was offered over and over. My mom died when I was 13 and my father had left. I lived with my sister. She thought I had lost my mind. I would be lost without my husband and kids.
                        Think about the future-Trust in God. Every minute changes and new opportunites lie ahead. God opens doors for us every day-just keep an open heart.


                          I dont know if i am in time to help or not, but as someone who has been there, an abortion is not the way to go. it may seem like it is an answer, but if you think life will be hard WITH a baby, imagine what it will be like knowing you KILLED your child, and never gave him/her a chance at life. I had my first child when i was 17. Still in high school, i managed to graduate, take care of my daughter and hold down a job. I found myself pregnant again 9 months later and i chose to terminate that pregnancy. It was supposed to be the easy thing to do, but now I live with the guilt and the shame and the longing for the beautiful life that i never gave a chance. I quickly became pregnant again thinking it would help to fill the void. It didnt. I love my son to death, but i still killed one of my children and nothing i do will ever change that. I am in nursing school now and just found out yesturday that i am pregnant agin. I know it will be hard, but i will finish school and find a flexible job. My husband is very supportive as is my family. You have a leg up. You have already graduated and all you need to do is find a job. Dont let anyone tell you it will be easy. it wont be, but it will all be worth it when you see that beautiful face for the first time, and hear the coos and the laughter. Babies are a precious gift from God. Please understand how lucky you are to have the opportunity to have a child of your own. not everyone gets that chance. I hope this helps. Let me know what you decide, or if you need anymore information. As a side note if you do chose to terminate your pregnancy, watch The Silent Scream first. Its a video that shows an abortion being preformed. If nothing i said convinces you to chose life, that movie will. Best of wishes.



                            Congrats on the pregnancy.

                            Im 21 as well- but Im married. Me and my husband were told that we’d never have any children. Before I met my husband I had gotten pregnant by a college romance. I ended up loosing my baby at 2 months.

                            I’ve got endometriosis very badly and my doc said that me and my husband better get used to being with just each other. Now, I am about 8 weeks pregnant. I was flabergasted. We’re thrilled and we thank the Lord for our blessing.

                            That’s the way you have to look at it. God said that he would never give you more than you could handle. HE knows just what he’s doing. Financially, me and my husband are struggling, but God know’s what HE’s doing and we trust HIM completley.

                            Just leave your child in the hands of the Lord. I will be praying for you and your family.


                              Laura Dear,
                              I’m 23 years old and still in college. I got pregnant dec.24th 2004 and made a quick and pressured decision to have an abortion. I am also engaged to be married in June of 2006 and got engaged Nov. of 2003. I do regret having an abortion I think about the child I lost daily. Today I should have been 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant preparing to give birth on September 17 2005. I promise you from the bottom of my heart & soul you will regret having an abortion. If you are still not sure you can e-mail me and I will tell you my detailed experience of my abortion. I lost my child hopefully this website will convince you to save yours.
                              Best of wishes


                                You also have the option to have your baby adopted, there are many couples out there that can’t have a baby but want one. And if you feel like having an abortion would be too difficult for you, than it will be, it’s hard for everyone and anyone. But if you don’t want to abort it yet you don’t think you can support it…giving it up for adoption would be the best thing for you and the baby. You can also go for an open adoption (which is the adoptive parents ok for the birth mother and father to see and talk to your baby.)

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