I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 15. Told I wouldn’t have kids unless I started early and got pregnant before 25, but it would still be a sly chance.

I lost my virginity at 17 and started trying to have a baby, knowing it was something I’ve always wanted. Ever since I was little, it was always what do you want to be when you grow up? For me, it was never a nurse or a doctor or something like that it was always a mommy and a wife. It’s been a year and 8 months since I lost my virginity, had a few boyfriends, and slept with 4 including my current boyfriend. I didn’t sleep around trying to make a baby if that’s what you’re thinking. But, those attempts failed. At first, I was thinking well maybe I’m not meant to have kids? But as it all went on, I thought maybe they were just not the right people? Maybe God’s plan is for it to be the right person for me? Not getting pregnant by my ex’s was a blessing in my eyes because they did nothing but hurt me.

Now, I’m with my current boyfriend. He’s been nothing, but sweet to me. He proved that Chivalry is not dead. I just had trouble picking the right person to be with. His family is amazing. They all treat me like one of their own. I know I’m only 18 now and it may sound crazy that I’m actually trying to get pregnant, but I want kids and all of my siblings have kids. I’m not even the youngest child. I’ve never thought it was fair, but everything happens for a reason, right?

But as I’m saying this, my period hasn’t made it here yet. It’s running late and I pray every day that it doesn’t come. It has only been a day or two since it was supposed to be here so I’m just waiting a little while to see if it’s gunna get here. I get scared that I will never have kids because every period is another layer of scarring and it just gets that much harder. The few friends I’ve talked to say to take a test. Well, I’m afraid to, I don’t want it to come up negative. I feel like I sound silly sometimes and I feel like I’m crazy because I’m young and I cry about not having a baby because my friends and siblings have kids and then there’s me. I feel empty when I think about it. When I think about all of them who didn’t want babies at this age and they all have them and I’m the one that has a problem and wants a baby and I can’t have one.

I dread going to the doctor because all I ever get is bad news. I try to stay strong, keep my head up, and keep faith in God. It helps, but I have those weak days when I just feel like it’s never going to happen. My current boyfriend is excited. He wants to have a baby. He’s been through college, has a job, and if he had a baby, it would be the first grandchild for his mom. So I guess this happening with him is a good thing. Anyway, I guess whoever reads this keep me in your prayers.

Hopefully, the next test I take will say positive. :]