I am the baby of the family and the only girl. I had my first boyfriend at 12, nothing serious, but I did learn how to kiss. My brothers were very protective of me so my family thought I was safe. I've always been a pretty good girl, not getting into much trouble. I met my 'first love' when I was 13, he lived in the next town, school started and we went our separate ways, I turned 14 and went to high school, met another boy and had a 'serious' relationship, I was still a good girl, I think that's why he broke up with me. When I was 15 I met a 19 year old boy, he was cool and he like ME, of all people ME… I started ditching class and leaving school with him, I let him go a little farther than I did the other boyfriends. One day he drove me home, sweet talked me into my room and things got out of hand, I tried to push him off, tried biting him -but he only told me 'yeah, thats it, bite me if that helps you'- I kept yelling no, stop, he didn't- he raped me.
That was basically the last I saw of him. After that I thought I had to find someone who loved me. I got back with the boy I met when I was 13 on and off again for a few years. When I was 16 I got pregnant, I turned 17 and had a little boy. We broke up 2 months after. He went to jail, I moved to another town, me another boy- still looking for someone to love me, to fill that void- met another boy, fell in love, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, he left me because he blamed me for the death of our baby- then claimed that he wasn't sure it was even his! There were others in between that I didn't mention, to many to go into, we'd be here all day.. Baby's daddy got out of jail and came to stay with me, I got pregnant that day 3/12/91. I gave birth to a little boy 6 weeks early, in November. He had found out about the guy I was seeing while he was in jail and claimed that the baby wasn't his. That relationship ended.
I continued to look for love, met another guy or two or three. I moved back to my parents house. One day some friends of mine came to pick me up and took me to lunch.When we got home there was a note from the guy who cooked our food with a his number to call him. Still seeking love, I called him. 3 months later I was pregnant. He said clear as can be " I don't want to be a dad, I'm too young. I'm not going to stay with you. Have an abortion. If you don't I'm not staying with you either, you're just another girl to me." My mom found out and talked me into having an abortion, the conversation I don't remember, its something I have blocked out.
Well, I went through with it. It was horrible, We were hearded into a room with about 8 dressing rooms, cold, white. It was like waiting your turn at the meat counter. They wheeled me in, I saw all the machines and a big blue door on the other side of the room, next thing I remember is the doctor telling me to take a deep breath, then I'm waking up in a cold room full of girls- some crying, some sobbing, some screaming, more than one asking 'what did I do?'- the girl next to me was throwing up violently. I woke up and started sobbing, telling the nurse I wanted out of there and I needed someone to hold me. For a brief moment she was human, and did hold me, but it seemed she had to shake it off before she let it get to her.
My mom pulled up to the back, and drove me home, where my neighbor was watching my son. My mom put me on the couch, gave me some tylenol and let me sleep. When I woke up crying from the pain, she'd say "oh well, get over it- your problem could be worse" I was in awful pain the next two days and bleeding chunks. We called the doctor, he told us to meet him at the clinic at 10 pm through the back door, they did an ultrasound and found out that they had left 'tissue' behind, and if I didn't pass anything, had a fever or the pain got worse to go to the hospital- then with a snear on his face said 'you're a big girl now, gome home and ride it out'
Time passed, I healed. I found another boyfriend, and another and in between messed around with 'friends' boyfriend because someone was going to love me for me.
August 1992 I was at the County Fair with my friend looking for a group of boys we were supposed to be meeting up with, as I was walking I literally ran into this guy I had met a few years earlier. He was the friend of the boy that I got pregnant by and had a miscarriage- he used to come by the house and pick him up to go fishing, leaving me there by myself for hours, he was also the brother of my friends boyfriend. He was with his friends, I knew they were just out getting numbers, but I gave him mine. 2 weeks later, I'm in my apartment packing to move back with my parents and the phone rings, it was him. We got together fell in love and moved in together, I had found love so I stopped looking for it, but I was now looking for something to cover the shame of my promiscuous life- I turned to drugs. I also was trying to block out the shame of my abortion. He knew everything about my life, I skipped details about my sexcapades becasue he asked me to. We had rough times, fights- huge nasty ones, he would leave for days at a time, but he was raising my boys as his own. 2 yrs into our relationship we got pregnant and had a baby boy, then we had a miscarriage right after that. More rough years, more drugs- 3 yrs later another baby, our little girl. She was born with spina bifida. My moms says 'we are being punished for what we did' meaning the abortion. I lived with the guilt of that and the guilt of not knowing if my drug use caused her illness. She was 3 and we almost lost her to kidney failure. A year later an old friend popped back into my life and started taking my kids to church, I was happy for that, that meant I could get as high as I wanted without having to hide it from them. A year later she got sick again, the childrens pastor went to visit her at the hospital. I went to her church out of respect and thanks, and have not left since, that was 7 yrs ago. I found healing. I was able to forgive myself and realized that my daughters illness was not a punishment. I found healing from the torment of the abortion and God has restored my life and that of my family. We now serve the Lord and work with teenagers, guiding them and lending support when we can. My oldest son is now 20 and living on his own, my 2nd son is 16 and a senior, my 3rd son just started high school.. and my daughter is 11 and is a living miracle.. Oh.. and the love of my life and I got married in 1999.
There is more, but I will elaborate in other blogs.. sorry this was so long. If you read this, thank you for finding my story interesting enough to stick through it. I hope there is some bit of hope for you in it.