She told me she felt sorry for me and didn’t know how I was going to cope with two kids at our young age. Ironically she herself had an abortion and got pregnant again right after, most likely due to the guilt and emptiness she herself felt…

Dear Becky,

I cannot even begin to thank you enough for sharing your personal experience and the experiences of others on standupgirl.com Your insight into the reality of abortion has really opened my eyes during a time when an abortion seemed to be the most convenient solution.

I am a 21 year old mother of a beautiful 14 month old girl and recently found out that I am expecting another child due in early December. When I found out I was pregnant AGAIN, all I felt was extreme GUILT for bringing another innocent life into an already difficult situation.

It was as if an inner voice was screaming at me from inside. Nothing I could do could quiet all of the anguish and uncertainty I was feeling. All I could think about was the fact that my fiance is unemployed… bills are backed up… my car was repossessed…My parents will be so hurt and disapointed…my relationship is troubled…How am I going to find the strength to raise two small children?…and what if he leaves me to raise them all alone?…

I wanted to know WHY? Why would God send me a life to care for when I was having such a hard time financially supporting my daughter?

When I told my fiance that I thought I may be pregnant again, I was crying. I told him that I couldn’t have another baby and we agreed that I we had no choice but to abort. When I returned home that afternoon, he told me that he had had a change of heart and if I was pregnant, we should keep the baby. I agreed because after all this was a part of him too, but it didn’t stop me from feeling unsure and depressed about my predicament. I felt trapped by my situation. I was supporting our family financially, yet he was making a very detrimental decision regarding our future, and he never even asked how I felt.

The guilt I felt festered as time passed. My children did not ask to be born…why should they suffer through poverty because of my bad decisions? I would just look into my little girls eyes and feel so guilty…I felt so dumb and worthless, as if I didn’t deserve such a perfect, innocent little angel. I didn’t feel like a good, responsible mommy anymore. I was so depressed I was having a hard time even finding a smile and I almost felt detached from the baby inside me, which made me feel terrible.

I flipped through the yellow pages and looked at the abortion ads, promising abortions well into the second trimester. I contemplated getting an abortion and then I would tell everyone at work and his family that I had a miscarriage. I was looking at an abortion like the cure all that would transport me back in time and erase the pregnancy altogether. I didn’t even stop to think about how I would feel afterwards.

I called my best friend, who has a 20 month old herself, and when I told her I was pregnant she discouraged me even more. She told me she felt sorry for me and didn’t know how I was going to cope with two kids at our young age. Ironically she herself had an abortion and got pregnant again right after, most likely due to the guilt and emptiness she herself felt.

I was all alone and living in another state with no friends or family to turn to. I couldn’t even think of telling my parents because I had already disapointed and worried them enough. I honestly felt as if I would choose to die if I could make that choice for myself and still make it to heaven, as sad as that sounds. I felt like my daughter was better off without me because of all of my financial problems and poor choices…what did I have to offer her? (Which goes to show how irrational my mind has been)

But today, a miracle happened. God guided me to your website. I read the testimonals of the women that had experienced abortions. I cried for these women as if I was crying for myself. I finally saw the tiny fetuses for what they really were…living beings…not something to be disgarded and forgotten like a piece of trash.

I still have a hard journey to overcome and a lot of difficult choices to make in order to change my life, but I finally have accepted the fact that I am pregnant and there is no such thing as a quick and easy solution..and an abortion is finally out of the question and THANK GOD the prospect of doing it is out of my mind! Now that I have accepted the fact that I am having a baby…I can finally gather the strength to tell my parents and let out this deep dark secret that has been eating me alive. I am on my way to a brighter day!

Thank you,

Marlaina

Dear Marlaina,

Congratulations! I am so happy to hear about your new little one and the decision you’ve made to have him or her. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed like you are. I’ve felt like that many times. I got pregnant with my son when my daughter was only 8 months old. I was so freaked out to find that out. I didn’t feel ready, but you know what? God truly gave me the strength to do it. I am so thankful that I had them close together because they became such great playmates and friends. They have each other. You are giving your little girl the most wonderful GIFT…the gift of a sibling, a friend. Why do people place such a high value on material things?

Yes, you may not have much to offer financially right now, but that is okay. This can change and besides,that’s not what’s most important. You have given these children the gift of life…of love…that is what is important. TRUST that God will give you all that you need to be a wonderful mother to these children He’s entrusted to you. They are His children. He loves them and you so much. He will be with you every step of the way. Turn to him in your pain and uncertainty. He’s helped me so many times when I felt so overwhelmed, asked "is this all really worth it?" I will pray for you, as you go through this that God gives you His strength. Don’t be afraid, you CAN do this. Just take things one day at a time. Try not to worry too much about the future. Just focus on the here and now. I am here if you need to talk. You truly are a STANDUPGIRL!

Luv,

Becky | dearbecky@standupgirl.com