It was the 4th of July…I was getting ready to watch the fireworks downtown with my wonderful, handsome boyfriend. If I would have known that this would have been the eve that I conceived my first child, perhaps I would have made some different choices…
Dear Becky — This is an amazing site for young women who are pregnant and scared. I hope that the women that come here feel empowered by the stories and voices heard here. I know that I have been. I am writing because I want to share my personal story with you and with the other women that come here for information, guidance and strength…being single and pregnant isn’t easy, but knowing you are not alone is key in being able to make good decisions for yourself and your unborn child. This is my story…..
It was the 4th of July…I was getting ready to watch the fireworks downtown with my wonderful, handsome boyfriend. If I would have known that this would have been the eve that I conceived my first child, perhaps I would have made some different choices…But, I was so in love with him…I couldn’t stand being away from him and when we were apart I always wanted to be on the phone with him…When I looked at him I just knew he was “the one”…We were both going to school and working on our Master’s degrees…and we had started to look at houses and talk about getting married in 6 months or so….when I found out that I was pregnant 2 weeks later, I was happy…scared, but happy. We hadn’t planned on having a child right now, but to me it didn’t make any difference if it was now or a year from now. Unfortunatly, it did make a difference to him. When I shared the news with him, he got very angry and said that this wasn’t “the right time to have a child”. He started pushing for me to have an abortion from the beginning. He told me that if I chose to have the child, that he wouldn’t be there for me and that he would take custody of the child from me, and that he never really loved me anyway. I was completely devestated….pregnant….scared…and alone. He made me promise not to “tell our parents” as they would get really upset with the whole situation and would further “complicate things”. That was the first mistake that I made…I didn’t tell my parents, and to this day, they still have no idea of any of these events. I am too ashamed to tell them and telling them now won’t change the past.
He kept on me for the next few days to go and just take the “abortion pill”. He kept telling me that it was early enough for me to take it and that it wouldn’t be any different than just “getting my period”. He told me that the baby isn’t anything more than a little blob at this point…that we couldn’t wait though to make the decision…I was hurting inside. I didn’t want to have an abortion…but I also knew that if I chose to have the baby that I would be delivering in April…right around the time that my graduate thesis was due and finals would occur…I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…I had no where to turn and I was afraid and ashamed to tell my parents what was going on…how could I finish school being pregnant? There seemed to be no other option than to have the abortion…and so I went to the clinic that hot day in July and drank some God forsaken mixture that would end my unborn child’s life….and I went there alone….and came home to my apartment at school only to be more alone and scared because I didn’t understand the next process that would occur…I won’t share those details here with you, but I can promise you that you don’t ever want to endure that alone….and that it’s hardly like a normal period.
I stopped speaking to my “boyfriend” the day that I went to the clinic. I couldn’t stand to be with him or hear his voice. I felt as if he had really made this decision by not wanting to support me and his child and doing what was necessary to raise him/her. That he had forced it upon me…Mostly, I think I felt guilty in following through with the choice to terminate the pregnancy. I can’t honestly say that I have ever really come to terms with that “choice”…shortly after I graduated with my M.S. I left the state for the SouthWest…and three years passed by uneventful…I had a great job, a new house, etc., life was going great and I was getting ready to watch the fireworks display at my new home/community with this great new guy….and he was absolutely wonderful, at least I thought so…I never really even thought much about that month at the time…Perhaps it was there, way far back in my mind, but not on the surface…I have always loved the fireworks displays on the 4th of July and this was no different…I never really thought that I would concieve another child while taking BC during that time period though…but on July 27 I took a pregnancy test because I hadn’t gotten my period…and I had been really naseauated the past couple of days…it just really didn’t make sense…when I looked at the test I couldn’t beleive my eyes…there was another line….My heart started to race…I must have done something wrong. I went out to get another test….I took that one…there was a line on that one too….No this couldn’t be. I couldn’t be pregnant again…How could this happen agian?
The first thing I did was call home and talk with my father and mother. Both understood the situation and supported me having the child. After I had squared that away, I called him….
Within about 2 seconds into the conversation I felt as if I was reliving the events of 3 years ago….(and it was 3 years ago to the day…very errie)…He screamed and yelled and said “you are going to have an abortion”, “I can’t have a child now”…and I very calmly told him that I had planned on having the child…and I told him that he had a choice to make too…either he could be a part of the child’s life or he could walk away…however, with either choice, I was going to have the baby. Within 8 weeks into the pregnancy I found myself once again pregnant and alone…..my family wasn’t even in this state this time around for me to lean on….I knew it was just going to be me…. I started to make plans and get things ready for my child that would arrive in early April. I made a nursery out of the spare bedroom…bought diapers, wipes, clothes, toys etc…bowrrowed furniture to use for the first one or two years from friends at work….and by the end of March everthing was ready for her arrival…I had gotten there not alone, but with a lot of help and support from family and friends….
When I was 20 weeks I found out that I was having a little girl. I text messaged her father and let him know that he was having a daughter and what I intended to name her. Ironically, he had moved to a Northern state 1500 miles away from us…I never heard another word from him during my pregnancy with her. On April 06, 2005 I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. I named her Lilianna…Lily is now 3 months old and I am raising her as a single mother. Life isn’t easy when you are raising a child on your own. But I look at her and know that she is worth it. Her father has seen her twice since her birth in April. I think he has once again decided that this just “isn’t his thing”. He pays his child support and goes about his life in a Northern city…he thinks that it would be too confusing to Lily to see him once a month or every other month…maybe he’s right…I don’t know…I do know that we will both be fine though without him here. I want him to be a father to her, but you can’t make anyone do that…it has to be something they want to do themselves…and he’s just not at that juncture in his life yet…
Anyway, I often wonder now if I wasn’t given a second chance by someone higher up to make the right decision about how to handle an unplanned pregnancy…Certainly it all could have been circumstantial, but for some reason, I doubt it…the situations, the men, and their responses were almost identical…the only difference was how I handled myself in the midst of the situation…I was scared and afraid to speak up the first time around and made to feel ashamed about my situation….the second time I took the time to really think about it and to tell my family and gain their support before I told him….it made all the difference for me.
Knowing that I had their love and support was what I needed to know to ensure for me that we would get through this….I feel that this was my second chance to right the wrong decision I made 3 years ago….and I think that I got it right this time….But when I look at Lily I know for sure that I did…
Thanks for having such a wonderful site for all of us women. I only wish I would have found you sooner…
Andrea | firstname.lastname@example.org
Dearest Andrea —
Your story so touched my heart as I see this happening so much with so many girls. Where the father of the baby is not wanting to stand by and it pressures us into a decision that we wouldn’t have made if we had support. Unfortunately it is a decision that we do have to live with and can never change or make right, but as you saw … you did right the second time around. You knew what the first decision did to your heart and the second time around … you were a Stand Up Girl!
I bet your daughter is absolutely beautiful and the pride and joy of your life.
I think your story will touch many hearts out there that are in their ‘first chance’ and maybe your story will help them get it right the first time around.
Thank you so much for your wonderful e-mail story and I hope to hear from you soon.
Luv Lisa | DearBecky@standupgirl.com