My 16th birthday had come and I decided to write my mom a letter. I told her how much I already loved this child and how I was ready to give up the life of partying, going out, everything. I told her I was still going to go to school and that I will feel so empty without this baby. But she didn’t listen.

Hey Becky | I`ve been with my boyfriend for about 9 months and after the first month of being with him, we already had sex. He wasn`t my first and i wasn`t his. So I thought it all happened on valentines day. I wanted it to be special and it was.

A month later I was supposed to get my period 6 days after, but I didn’t. weeks later i started getting all the symptons of being pregnant. On march 16, 2006 to be exact I went to my best friends house and we had a little sleep over with all the guys [my boyfriend wasn’t there] and all the girls.

That night we went to the jacuzzi and after wards to Ralphs. I had bought a pregnancy test and the clerk wished me luck. We went back to my friends house and she told me to take the test in the morning because that`s when it`s most accurate. So I listened to her. So on St. Patricks day I woke up and took the test. My best friend Vannesa, my friend Jessika and I were in the bathroom waiting for the results. It came back and said “pregnant”. Vanessa couldn`t believe it. I cried because this is what my boyfriend and I wanted.

So I called him and told him. I guess he was shocked because he was quiet the whole time and kept telling me he loved me. We decided not to tell our parents. The next week on a Thursday. I went with Vanessa to the doctors and the doctor talked to us about my pregnancy and I got my first ultra sound. I was told that I was 11 weeks. I heard my baby’s heart beat and I wanted to cry. I was so scared to tell my mom because I knew she was gonna flip. So i didn`t. A couple of weeks later, my boyfriend ran away and came to my house. We went out the whole day. And around 8 o`clock his mom called. He told me to say I had no idea where he was. So i did. That nite, she went through all his stuff and found letters from me saying how I don`t want an abortion and everything. She went straight to my house and told my mom’s boyfriend.

My moms boyfriend called my mom and that nite we met up with my boyfriend’s mom. I remember exactly what she said, “so is this true?” and I nodded my he! ad yes. My mom cried my boyfriend’s mom said she was sorry and my mom’s boyfriend yelled. He said we were stupid and that I`d have to move. He started cussing and everything. My boyfriend said he would ask for more hours and do everything he could. I was crying so much I didn`t know what to do. My moms boyfriend grounded me, took my phone away and told me that I was never to talk to my boyfriend or ever see him. He said that he was going to be out of my life forever. The next week was hell. My mom cried every nite and even when she was at work. My mom and her boyfriend decided an abortion was best. I told my boyfriend and his mom and he started crying. It`s not what they wanted or what i wanted. They`re christian and believed this child was a blessing. So did I but my mom thought otherwise. I used to sneak the phone up into my room to talk to my boyfriend because he was the only thing that could calm me down and stop me from crying.

My 16th birthday had come and I decided to write my mom a letter. I told her how much I already loved this child and how I was ready to give up the life of partying, going out, everything. I told her I was still going to go to school and that I will feel so empty without this baby. But she didn`t listen. My mom was young when she had me. And I thought she would understand. But she told me that what she went through was hrad and she didn`t want me going through it. She told me she thought my dad loved her but he didnt. But my boyfriend is nothing like my father. He wanted this child. She kept telling me not to blame anyone and its my fault. And I kept telling myself “then if it`s my fault why can`t i deal with the consequences?” my boyfriend’s mom told me that I could move in with her. She was excited for me and her son. She supported us. But i didn`t know how to just leave my home and start a new life. So i stayed home. On april 20th my mom brought me to the clinic. It was horrible. It was cold and heartless. How could these people juss kill babies? The doctor wouldn`t even let me see! the last ultrasound. She wouldn`t let me have a picture of it. Nothing.

The last thing I could remember was the doctor putting me to sleep and me asking if I`ll feel anything. Soon I woke up and was in the recovery room. I sat up and the first thing I could think of was my baby. The first thing was that “my baby is gone” and I rubbed my stomach but there was nothing there.

After that, my mom got me and didn`t say anything about it. Till this day she hasn`t said a word about it either. I`m still feeling the pain. I wish I`d never got the abortion. I can tell my boyfriend hates my mom and her boyfriend for making me get an abortion but he still loves me.

So girls. If you don`t wanna have an abortion don`t get one. I regret it. If i could go back in time and take it back, I would. There are times when I just cry and talk to my baby. I tell my baby how much I love it and miss it. It`s still hard. when I see a pragnant lady I cry when I see babies I get sad. I wish I had found this site earlier to see how people truely feel. I hope that this can help someone out there.

Thanks,
Samantha | littl3_n3na@yahoo.com

Dearest Samantha – my name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl
website with some of her e-mails.

How my heart so breaks for you Samantha. I know your heartache, your pain and your feeling of loss. I too had an abortion – unfortunately I actually had 2 abortions. But you know what? Samantha – you loved your baby. I was so scared I didn’t even think about that. This must be even far more difficult for you.

I didn’t realize what I had done until years later. Your heart aches now and it is such a fresh wound.

Samantha I want to see you find some healing. Some freedom from your hurt. I would love to share my story with you so you can know where I am coming from. Just so you can see where my head was and then where my heart was. And of course where my heart is today. Is that OK with you?

Here is a link back to our site where my story is.

My heart has that feeling of loss and that aching to hold my baby too. I understand what you mean when you see a baby or hear a baby cry, that aching that is in your heart. It’s like yearning for something … yet you know you can’t attain it. So you just try to not look. It hurts too much.

You know what Samantha – it’s OK to cry. You need to cry. Those tears are a part of healing and you need to get the pain out. Don’t hold it in.

What I did was participated in a ‘post abortion’ group. It actually was with about 4 – 5 other girls (with 2 leaders) that took us through a book. It helped me to find the healing I so desperately needed and the book was called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran. What I can do is give you a link and maybe we can locate a place nearby that offers this group in your area. It’s only about a 10 week commitment with only other girls that have experienced abortion and regret it also. It is so healing to meet with other girls that have the same feelings you do. Because someone that has not had an abortion, though they can feel for you, they can’t totally understand your pain. It’s like … seeing when someone looses a loved one. You know it is painful and it really hurts. But only when you go through it do you truly know that pain. Does that make sense?

Samantha – I’m here for you. If you ever want to talk to someone who understands your pain, I’d love to offer my hand of friendship to you.

Samantha – here is the website that I told you about. Let me know if you are able to locate something nearby. OK?

Thank you so much for your e-mail.
Luv Lisa | Lisa@StandUpGirl.com