Hi. I don’t really know where to start. Well, I am 19 and I have recently gone through a very tough time. I didn’t want to face it and I think that I might still be in denial in a way. I need to share my story and hopefully get some support. I chose Standupgirl after browsing many sites, because I read some genuinely touching stories and the support that they got via feedback really gave me a push to do this, although I’m very scared. Please don’t judge me, I really am struggling as is.

So, after I completed high school last year, I had to move from my hometown, leave my life, family and friends behind, to go live with my dad (15 hours away). I was very unhappy and became very lonely. I met a guy at work and fell for him really fast and really hard. He seemed perfect at that time because he was hard working, committed, independent, outgoing and driven. So after a while, we started dating, however my dad was not 100% happy about it.

As our relationship progressed, he started changing. He became possessive, aggressive, obsessive and very short tempered. I saw his knives and guns lying around etc. He forbid me to speak to my family or friends and went out of his mind if another guy just looked in my direction (he would break glasses and start fights, when this happened). When I said no when he wanted to be intimate, things would get intense, so I rather just went with it. I became very cautious of him and very uncomfortable and scared. To avoid unnecessary fights, I didn’t say anything. Then he started breaking me down emotionally. He told me things like: I am not a loss to him, no one could ever love someone like me, I am the most selfish person, i am not good enough to achieve my goals or dreams, etc… He did this on a daily basis and I eventually started believing him. My self-confidence and self-esteem levels were beneath 0. He became even worse after I mentioned that I cannot take it anymore and I want to break up. He threatened to physically hurt my family if I didn’t stay with him and if I said something, he’d make sure that no one believed me. I felt tired, ill (flu-ish) almost constantly, I had extreme back pain and I was very light headed and couldn’t focus very well. I figured it was caused, due to the stress.

I became desperate to get away. I fought hard to find reasons to present to my dad so that he would allow me to move back to my hometown. So, eventually I succeeded. He allowed me to go back home. I just went. When I got there, my circumstances became much better and I felt like my life was back on track again. Yet, I kept feeling ill… I realized eventually that I was 2 weeks late. So I went for a blood test. On the 11th of July I got the news that I was pregnant. I was blank. I knew that I was against abortion all my life, and I have always been obsessed with babies and having my own family. But I knew that I did not want my ex to be any part of my life, I knew that my parents would lose it if I had told them, I knew that I could not provide for a baby on my own, I knew I wanted the best for my child if I had kept it. .

On the 15th of July, I went to the hospital early morning. My older sister came with me. We went in to see a nurse who sent me to radiology to get a scan… I was already 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. There was no heartbeat yet. But I lost it right there, I just wanted it over. I had an abortion. I still feel in a sense as though nothing happened. That it was all just a dream. I hate myself for getting into the situation in the first place but I knew that I made the right decision for myself and my baby. DO NOT mistake me saying that as saying that its right or okay to have an abortion. Cause I still hate myself and blame myself. I never thought that it would happen to me. I don’t know how to deal with it all. I don’t know anything anymore.

I eventually told my ex about it, stupidly hoping he would support or comfort me in some way, instead he started calling me a murderer and a sick person and I deserve to die and never to be fertile again. He carried on like this. He drunk dialed me, yelling at me, asking me where his child is and to give his effing child to him. He set me pictures of babies and quotes about abortion and links to sited saying what terrible people we are. I apologized to him for doing what I did, every day… He didn’t stop. I had enough. I couldn’t take anymore, I felt horrible enough as is. So I got a new phone and number.

So, I’m sitting here, not knowing where to go from here, not knowing how to feel or how to deal with the fact that I chose to murder my own baby. I feel like I am going to be punished for this, for the rest of my life.