I always felt I had my life all perfectly planned out. Graduate Highschool. Get a college degree. Marry the man I love. Have 2 or 3 kids by the time im 35. Well Ive quickly figured out life doesnt always work out the way you plan it.
I will be twenty in November and I just started attending college. Im pursuing nursing and I absolutely love it. I found out a couple days ago that I am pregnant with my boyfriend of 9 months. Weve been living together for as long as we have been dating and it has been great. Yes sometimes I want to shake him really hard but thats normal in any relationship and we both know we absolutely love eachother.
I was with my mother at the time that I found out I was pregnant. She was very calm about it, but she pushed abortion. She is already trying to set up an appointment this week. My mother had me when she was 17 and she has been the most amazing mother I could ask for. Shes always been there and she has been my true best friend. I really would not have gotten where I am without her. She has a Doctorate degree and she says that she was very lucky to have gotten as far as she had being a young mother. (my stepfather is pretty well off and he helped her out tremendously) She had 2 abortions (by my stepfather) and during the second one she had her tubes burned. She says she does not regret any of her abortions. I am my mothers daughter, and I have always been pro-choice. Ive always been a strong beleiver in waiting to have children until you are really ready to support another life. I have always said that if I ever got pregnant before I graduated college I would have an abortion. But its easier said then done. My mother can be very controling over my life, Im her only child and she still sees me as her "baby". When I had moved out of her house and in with my boyfriend in December of 2007 she was quite pissed. But my mother eventually got over it and she was happy for me until I got pregnant. Now she wants me to move back in with her, abort the baby, and then in the future transfer to a four year university so i can party and pursue my degree. She says she knows whats best for me, I used to think she did but now I feel as if shes trying to make me live the life she never had the chance to.
Now my boyfriend will be 26 in December. (our birthdays are 6 days apart.) He does not beleive in abortion and he really wants me to keep the baby. When I had told him about the pregnancy his face lit up and he wanted to tell everyone. Hes even talking about maybe getting married and I feel like Im way too young. What aggrivates me the most is that my boyfriend had an abortion when he was 19 with another girl he had a one night stand with. A few months ago when he told me about it he said he wasnt ready at the time and hes happy she had it done. He felt that if he had that child at 19 he wouldnt be able to give the child what he/she deserved. And yet, hes telling me that if i get an abortion he will be very angry and he will not want to see me for a while. He claims the reason why he has a different perspective with me is because he actually loves me and Im not just a one night stand. (obviously) Ive told him that IM 19 right now and hes at a completely different stage in his life. Hes had his chance to hang out with whoever he wants, do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and however he wants at a younger age. Im just now getting started. I told him that if I was his age then I wouldnt even think about having an abortion and I would have the baby but since Im not its a different situation.
I want to make them both happy but i know thats not possible and in the end its really something that I will have to live with, Not them. I feel that college will be alot harder and I will miss out on some of the things I would want to do but yet I do have some of the giddy feelings a woman has when she knows shes expecting. I absolutely LOVE children and I know I will try to be the best mother I could be to any child I have, But I dont know if I could be the mother I want to be at this moment. My goal when I have kids is to give them all the oppurtunities I had and more. Thats going to be a hard thing to accomplish at this time of my life, both financially and emotionally. I feel pressured from both my mother and my boyfriend. Both of them have great points. My mother worries that Im way too young to be settling down and starting a family. she says that I can have a baby anytime I want to and what I need to do now is focus on myself and get my degree and get my life started.
Then theres my boyfriend who I absolutely love and adore, he says he will be there for the baby no matter what and he loves me and thinks its a sign and everything happens for a reason. (We break up due to arguments (hence the preggo signs & neither one of us was happy about it) on the day of our nine month anniversary and the next day we find out im pregnant.)
Im sittin on the fence… and I know I have to make the choice soon. Im just scared to make that leap.