I don’t know what to title this yet. I guess I will do that at the end, being I have no clue as to what I am even going to write about. It’s certainly not that I don’t have anything to say. Rather, probably too much to say and I don’t even know where to begin.
I am so sick and tired, literally, in every sense of the phrase. I have never in my life been so sick. I am sure it’s a combination of my heart condition and being pregnant, but I can’t take this much longer. My ex-husband went out of town this week, and it is my kid’s first week of school, and my son has football practice, which thankfully they cut to three days a week rather than 5. On top of that, it was supposed to be my second week of school, and I haven’t gone to one class yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but last week, I was in the hospital and this week, my ex went out of town and there is no aftercare at school, being it’s the first week, so I have to make sure I am at the school right on time. Of course, I don’t mind going to get my kids from school. Actually, I am happy I get the week to myself with them, but of course he is being a jerk, for who knows what reason this week.
Anyhow, I guess that’s neither here nor there, and am getting off track. My point is, I am so sick. Not one of my other pregnancies have ever gotten me this sick. I get up and am literally spinning, feeling faint, throwing up, and am exhausted even after 12 hours sleep. I am losing weight, which I am sure I will make up for at some point, but can’t seem to keep anything down. This morning, I was trying to make lunch for the kids, and the sandwich meat made me puke.
My boyfriend went away to a family reunion in Texas this past weekend. He called me everyday, “to make sure I was OK”. What in the world am I supposed to tell him, “Oh I am feeling just fantastic and all the wonderful things you say really make me feel just great too?” No! I don’t think so, I am absolutely, probably the most miserable person alive right now. I feel like crap, and unless you’re drunk, you say the most stupid crap to me. I am sick and tired of that too (guess I found my title).
Memorial Day, he calls me, in the day, and he asked how I was. I told him the truth, followed by saying that I really wish I wasn’t pregnant, cuz I have never been so sick. He has the nerve to say to me “you’re not the only one who wishes you weren’t pregnant. There’s a few people who wish you weren’t”. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I swear it’s a good thing he wasn’t here. I quickly ended the conversation shortly there after a few more things were said, but did so with grace considering the situation, being careful not to add fuel to the fire.
He then calls me at night, sweet as can be…. There has to be something up, of course, he’s dunk. Not completely wasted where to I can’t understand a word he is saying, but enough that I can tell, and enough so that he tells me. I don’t really have a problem with it, I am not there, and maybe this will relieve some stress for him and he can take this time away, drinking or not, to think. He always used to call me “baby girl” which he did that night, but caught himself, so it was followed by, well you are my baby’s girl. Whatever, lol. I don’t get why he has to pretend to be something he is not. Why he has to be so angry, and have this wall up around him. But I didn’t say anything about it, and won’t. I find the more I keep my mouth shut, well at least about anything bad, the better he is. If I let him know its OK to be experiencing mixed emotions and to feel scared, confused, whatever, the better things become between him and I, he is nicer, and opens up more. He’s opened up a bit, and has been calling me a lot and seems really concerned about me now. I am very happy for that.
Today, he is going to come over. I am sure nothing extraordinary will happen, but it will be nice to see him. I am looking forward to that. I love him. He is very special to me, and I wish he could see that in himself. That he is a good person with a lot to give the world around him, especially me and his baby. I know he is fearful that he will screw up this kid’s life, but as a mother, I will not let that happen. But besides me not letting him, he won’t, not if he can just see what I see in him. Maybe that will never happen. I don’t know, no one knows, I am sure, not even him. This has all been a battle, but one worth fighting, for him, me and our baby, and certainly one I will not give up on.
Well, before I puke all over myself for the, literally 5th time today, I better go….. All I can do is keep fighting, keep taking it day by day, and keep going. Even though I feel like my world is coming to an end at times, and I feel like just giving up and that my life is over, I have to realize it is not. Rather, it is just the beginning, of a whole new world, and that world is going to contain what I make of it, and for that alone, I refuse to give up…….
