standupgirlI met my boyfriend 9 and a half months ago and ever since that day I’ve never been happier. He has saved me from depression and sorrow. My mum left my dad about 1 year ago, took most of everything my dad had in his house and took my sister away from me. I chose to live with my dad, and help him through this. It was one of the saddest moments of my life having to watch my dad cry most nights, its the hardest thing to watch a man cry. We kept each other going but we were both struggling. until I met Matt and he seemed to go out and socialize lots more. Life was heading to normality. Besotted by Matt, I struggled to leave him every night, I hated to sleep with out him. it didn’t feel normal. So I moved in with Matt. Months went passed and I’ve never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life.

He made me feel like I was the only women in the world. He always calls me ‘blue eyes’ because he tells me that was one of the first things he noticed when he met me. Sex wasn’t just sex with him. I found tears run down my face sometimes, not because it hurt or because I was sad, because I felt such a connection and such love it completely overwhelmed me. 6 months flew by and I was feeling a bit down for a couple of weeks. I had missed a few pills so I thought I was due on my period but that wasn’t it. I felt different. so different that IĀ  knew what had happened. Every morning I had the worse nausea, not being sick but the feeling of it. I just knew. I left it a week and thought, I’ve just got to get one. I’ll never forget driving into town, reassuring myself that I wasn’t, when I just knew that I was. What am I going to do? I could hardly see the road with the amount of tears running down my eyes. I took one as I went home and there…… two stripes staring at me. I broke down, and fell to my knees.

I convinced myself abortion is the right thing, do I even know what I’m saying? I’m so against abortion? why am i doing this? but I was just so scared. I didn’t tell anyone, me and Matt were to do this alone. I booked my appointment and went to the hospital for my scan, just sitting there holding my stomach thinking how big are you? are you a boy? girl? are you ok? sitting in the waiting room, white walls, people talking and laughing, is this nothing to you? do you enjoy this? killing your child? This was so upsetting for me, I couldn’t understand, how can people find this so easy. I was called in eventually….. 8 weeks 4 days. I took the pill option thinking it would be the best….

So I took my first pill, alone with no one with me. I put it in my mouth.I could feel my self welling up just thinking , this is it. I came back on the Saturday, preparing my self for what was about to come, but I realized nothing could have prepared me. 4 tablets were inserted and one in my bum, and I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I went back and sat down in my chair, but within half an hour the pain was horrific, the cramps and pain in my stomach was the worst i have ever felt. Tears filling my eyes, I had to get some help.I stumbled out of my chamber and screamed a doctor, the pain at this point felt like it was killing me, blood all over the floor,I felt embarrassed and scared of what was happening to me. She gave me a major pain killer, which she only gives people in serious pain, but I said that was in so much pain, I was desperate. I suddenly felt so tired, almost hallucinating. It made me drowsy and helped the pain die down. I was woken by the nurse as blood was going through my clothes on to the bed. I went to the toilet and emptied everything into the box where the doctors took away and examined. I stopped dead. I had done this 5 times already but something was different. I looked and there…. I saw you. I saw fingers and curled up toes, a eye. and a little heart. you were so small. my child there. fixed in my memory. I could feel my heart tear,I felt sick and almost fainted, the doctors were so kind, but I felt lost and alone. Guilt rushed over me. I was the first person to finish my abortion and the first to let go. I just wonder where you are. I just wonder who you would have been. Like me, like your dad. would you have been amazing at sport. Would you have his eyes or mine, his nose, my hair. Would you snort when you laugh like I do, would you be cheeky or shy, would you be tall or short.Ā  I pray to God that one day I will meet you, and be the mother I should have been to you. I didn’t even give you a chance. sorry isn’t good enough. I love you. forever. wherever you are…